Would this rub you the wrong way?

[AintNobodyHereButUsChickens]

I did a training course over the last two days, it was a class of 14 doing it and we had a different tutor on each day. Yesterday, when the tutor walked in the room, he looked round at us all and when he saw this one young woman (who I’ll call ‘Gemma’) he literally did a double take and went “Wow you’re beautiful! What’s your name?” she looked really uncomfortable at that.

The first thing we did was go around the room introducing ourselves and saying what career path we wanted to go down. When he asked Gemma and she said she wanted to go into a certain industry he seemed thrilled because that was his previous area of expertise and he still dabbled here and there and he had contacts etc. He told her about an apprenticeship he’d seen advertised and promised to email it to her. This, in itself was totally fine. But he’d randomly say this all through the day. “Don’t worry Gemma, I won’t forget to send you that job link!”

A little later on he asked a few people what they could do (just in general, not job/work related) and when Gemma said she did a specific kind of cultural dancing he jokingly told her to get up on the table and show us all. He kept mentioning her dancing all through the day.

I noticed that every time he picked her out and made those comments that she was looking more and more uncomfortable. At the end of the day he asked for 3 people to join him one by one, privately in another room. When he asked for Gemma to go first she got this really strange look on her face and to me, it wasn’t a happy look, she looked really nervous and a bit scared. (I found out from one of the other people who got called in that those three had been shortlisted for the job we were all there training for. So that was the reason for the privacy.)

Gemma actually turned out to be the youngest in the group at 20 and the tutor told us he was 41 (if this is even relevant?)

Just the way he kept picking at her and making comments to her all day had my red flag sensor twitching, especially the ‘Wow you’re beautiful’ and telling her to get on the table and dance?! I just found it to be inappropriate and deeply unprofessional. Am I grossly overreacting or should I bring it up to someone?

I can’t work out if I’m overthinking it and it’s just banter, or if he overstepped. Happy to be told either way though…

Creepy AF in plain sight.

Gross. I think Gemma’s opinion on how to approach this should be what matters here, take her lead. Bring it up to her that you noticed this behaviour and how it was wrong, and if she needs support going to a mentor like a course leader/overarching tutor then you are willing to go with her. I remember a young woman being intimated by a similar creep on a course and our tutor was absolutely disgusted and made sure he was never in a position to be alone with her again. Also lost his job as he was being unprofessional and abusing his authority with other young women as well.

I think thats totally overstepping, Yuk.

I'd report him for that, if possible. We shouldn't have to deal with creeps like him.

I totally would but the course ended yesterday and I likely won’t see her again. Maybe I’ll bring it up with the company he works for and not mention her name? I don’t want to jeopardise her chances though 😕

This is awful behaviour, highly inappropriate, completely unprofessional, it’s sexual harassment. Please, make a complaint to the training provider.
And if the training was organised by your workplace, inform your employer that you’ve made the complaint and why. If you were on workplace training you have the same entitlement to respect and dignity as if you were in the office.

Not acceptable and needs reporting.
Even if you come at it from it made you uncomfortable angle.
Even if the person meant well/ was harmless he needs reminding that his behaviour and comments can make other people uneasy.
I work in ethics team for a large company and we would take this seriously. He wouldn't necessarily be disciplined if that's your concern, but a (re)education on appropriate conduct and a reminder of expectations

To add - no you don’t need to check Gemma’s opinion first. Many victims of this behaviour will not want to make a fuss and feel they have to minimise. You can complain about this, having witnessed it yourself. Have the courage to stand up for women.

Report him. This behaviour is only stopped when people speak out.

It may not seem like a huge deal but it could also be a small piece to a big puzzle.

it all adds up and is all evidence.

Do you really have to ask, OP? His very first comment was completely out of order, never mind the rest of it. He shouldn’t be in any sort of position of authority.

I kind of do, I haven’t worked in 15 years (since I was 19) and have very little knowledge of acceptable/unacceptable behaviour in the workplace, which is why I was questioning myself.

I have a meeting with the other tutor in an hour so I’ll mention to her that I’d like to speak to someone.

Shit behaviour from perv

That's really unprofessional and unpleasant, not to mention intimidating for her.

If he'd been noticed glancing at her admiringly and/or seemed to favour her, I would think that a bit shabby too but it's not so obvious you could actually complain because it would be hard to explain what he "did". But it sounds like he was one step short of pointing at her and announcing to the rest of the class he wanted to shag her.

The poor woman. I hope she didn't accept the job, can you imagine?

Fucking hell! I would have wiped the floor with him.

Yes absolutely report it. As a pp said, she probably won’t want to jeopardise her chances in the job by being seen as a trouble maker, especially as she’s so young - it takes guts to speak up.

Keep your report factual, state what he said and that it made you feel uncomfortable as it was so inappropriate.

I'd be putting in a formal complaint irrespective of what Gemma wants. This man is a pig and deeply deeply unprofessional. It needs to be called out.

This behaviour needs to be reported. The tutor should not be picking out one member of the course in an embarassing way. It does not matter that "Gemma" has not complained. You witnessed an incident which caused you concern and could involve other future attendees.

Sometimes I see examples on Mumsnet where a colleague goes to a manager and reports an incident in a snitchy way. For example someone inadvertantly misgenders a team member and the incident would best be dealt with by taking them on one side and having a quiet word rather than an official complaint. On this occasion the tutor is in a position of power and authority which he misused. You report details how he kept picking up Gemma multiple times.This was sexual harassment.

Gross. I had this when I was 17 and in my first job. I went to a training/networking evening with my bosses and a few colleagues. There was a photographer present taking pictures of the evening, just walking around snapping casual shots and he wouldn't leave me alone. Kept trying to talk to me, took multiple photos as peculiar angles (like from the floor upwards and I was wearing a skirt) and offered me drinks, modelling opportunities, a lift home (!). He was at least 40 and I was clearly in my late teens. In the end, one of my male colleagues took him to one side, told him politely he needed to fuck off and that he was acting like a pervert. Luckily, he did and left the event. I was SO uncomfortable, it wasn't remotely flattering (like men like to pretend it is) and it ruined my evening. I was lucky I had someone who, without me asking, noticed and told him to get lost because I didn't have the bottle at that age to do so. I just kept trying to hide in the loo as much as possible.

Okay I arrived early and asked to speak to someone and they brought me a manager, he wrote everything down and seemed horrified and said it’s absolutely against everything their company policy stands for and they’ll take the necessary action. Really thankful I reported him!

Well done, that's great!

I work for a training company and we would be absolutely mortified and so disappointed if one of our trainers was behaving in this way. Glad to see you've reported it because this kind of stuff is really not acceptable

Well done op,hopefully he's hauled over the coals for his behaviour totally unacceptable and again well done on having the gumption to see what was going on and reporting👍

Thanks for reporting, OP. I was about to become another asking you to do so when I saw your latest post.

Many years ago I went on a staff course in the Uni I worked for. There was an exercise in chairing a committee (something I had plenty of experience in) and one male attendee kept speaking over and interrupting other participants. On several occasions I said something like "Thank you John but Maria was speaking and I would like to hear what she has to say. Please continue Maria". So I kept him politely but firmly in order. At the end of the day the facilitator told me publicly that he felt Id been a bit "bossy". Nothing was said about the male interrupter and the amount of eye rolling among other attendees caused by his behaviour.. I responded that I felt I was being picked on for simply doing what was asked, and that there was a gendered aspect to his criticism. I intended to make a complaint. Another woman also spoke up and said she would support me. I gave the facilitator the choice of apologising in front of the entire group or facing an official complaint. He appologised at once.

I would personally report him to the course leads. She might feel too young or inexperienced to know how to kick up a fuss. If I was his boss, I would want to know if that is how he was conducting himself. This shit was way more common pre 2010 but now? Unacceptable.