If you're autistic can I ask you a question please.

[Wanttounderstandddabitbetter]

Sorry if I word this insensitively at all, I'm just trying to understand my dd a bit better.

Dd has her own things that she likes, she wears the same outfit daily, the exact type of shoes for years, has the same schoolbag etc. I fully understand this is part of her autism.

Occasionally I can't get a hold of the exact thing, for instance I can't get hold of the exact shoes she has been wearing, so I get the very closest I can. Velcro trainers, same make, same style and only very very slightly different (to me, clearly dd has a different opinikn) I also bought her some snow boots with the cold weather coming in, in the hope that she will wear them when the really cold weather kicks in, knowing she probably won't, but wanting to have them there as an option anyway.

Much to my surprise she has rejected the very similar trainers and opted to wear the vastly different snow boots.

It's not an issue at all, but she can't really explain it, and I would love to be able to understand her a bit better. She's only 10 so can't articulate it very well.

Can someone maybe help me learn a bit more about why she feels this way or how it feels please? I would love to understand as much as I can which will help me support her better.

I’m not ASD but my kids are. My DD17 has her own money to buy clothes and has sourced a few companies who sell ASD friendly clothing, I’m out at the moment but will come baxk
and post what they’re called. Perhaps get her involved with the choices ? Mine aren’t too fickle with exact clothing, it was an issue for a
whilw with jeans /hoodies but now she sources her own it’s a bit easier. DS13 is ok as long as it’s D&D clothing lol

So obviously I can only speak for myself here but here goes...

I find it really disconcerting when something is nearly right/nearly the same but not. Completely different is actually easier.

So it may be that whilst the trainers are almost identical, the small differences bug her. New shoes are also less comfortable than worn in shoes so they won't quite feel right anyway.

Whereas the snow boots are so different her brain isn't expecting them to feel the same as her old trainers. So maybe when she tried them on they were surprisingly comfortable so she's gone with it.

It is a weird thing to try and explain. For me if something is right it just is. For example boots- I could go through a hundred pairs with the smallest details difference and would all be wrong except one pair which to most people would look almost identical to the other 99pairs and nothing to make them stand out but I know.
Something totally different (snow boots ) for me is actually so much easier as there is no compare i need to make (as long as i liked the snow boots).
Just to add, it genuinely could be anything- shape of jam jar can be pleasing or not - a thousand different calculations going on all the time- so if I find something I know works for me I tend to stick with it to save the effort (and it is an effort) of filtering through other options.

Something that is nearly the same but not the same is too jarring to accept because you're expecting the same as it was once before but it's not. So it's better to pick something that feels completely different.

If you were to pathologise this I would expect it to be described as some sort of rejection coping method.

Just to say there are some fantastic youtube videos of how autism can (with a massive can,not will) feel if you are experiencing things like shopping etc. Totally worth a watch.

Ok here’s some links
https://iinsidemyhead.com/collections?srsltid=AfmBOooJhKDXqhxP6YymjbgGjAqKOVnrAIpRmx1fi-raz5fdfRmaqzVI

This one is based in the USA but their hoodies are lined with a soft velvety material and are fab
https://playingpossumcc.com/

Exactly this.

This why Ds aged 13 seems to adapt to completely new places on holidays etc where there isn’t a McDonald’s in sight whereas if we go into a UK city centre he will only ever want to eat at McDonald’s or pizza express as that’s what we do in city centres in the UK. It’s all very strange but I have autism too and I completely get it.

https://www.beanboystudios.co.uk/

For me it feels like train tracks. There's a rail and I'm travelling on it and that's the right way, to try and change direction would be uncomfortable and would grind against the rail. But sometimes the points change, and then the new direction is fine. What makes the points change? Not sure, but often it is just that whatever I was doing/focused on has run its course.

I can't answer for your daughter, but to echo what others are saying with my own example, I've bought and returned nearly 20 pairs of trainers this year in the hunt to find one single pair. My DH (also ASD) thinks they all look the same and doesn't get it at all.

Im autistic, if I can’t get something the exact same then I opt for completely different otherwise it quite frankly gets on my nerves. It will play on my mind, its hard to explain.

Totally agree with other posters who have said that it is easier to accept something that’s totally different, rather than something that is slightly different. Our brains can’t cope with something being slightly “off.”

This is probably why , for example, some children find eating “beige” food easy because it always looks and tastes the same. Whereas something like spaghetti Bolognese will have massive variations depending on who is making it.

As an autistic adult in my 50s, I have learnt that if I really like a piece of clothing or pair of shoes I need to buy at least one more of it so that I can comfortably wear the same thing for a lot longer! E.g. I have quite a lot of clothes in my wardrobe, but not much variety. I have multiples of jeans, T-shirts, jumpers etc, and I have the same M&S dress in multiple prints and colours.. currently I am wondering whether I can afford to buy a duplicate pair of boots with a black Friday discount…!

Does anyone else not wear their favourite clothes for fear of wearing them out and not being able to replace them, or is that just me…??!

I would hazard a guess that the snow boots are heavy and thick and therefore nice and tight and squeezy. Sometimes you just put your foot in a pair of shoes and it just feels right. I can’t even cope with my laces being the wrong level of tightness or (even worse) unequal levels of tightness for each foot.

My 7 yo DD is the same. Had an ADHD diagnosis but also now being assessed for Autism.

Her PE trainers were wearing out, so I bought her the exact same ones again but they are 'harder at the back and not comfortable' so the tattier, old ones still get worn.

Occasionally she'll surprise me and actually like something new but it's very rare and I doubt she could explain why.

Because the trainers are Wrong.
The snow boots are Different.

Sort of, I’ll wear a top literally to what I’m going out to, then it comes straight off and back in the wardrobe / airing, so I can get a few wears out if it before it needs washing because washing spoils them!

Thank you all, that's making a lot more sense.

Expecting something to be the same and it's slightly off is far worse than having no expectations of something totally different?

I usually stock up on everything she likes, her wardrobe is literally multiples of the same things, her food is always the same brands from the same shops, her routine is the same every week, I do all I can, I just wish I understood how things felt for her a bit more, but I'm sure that will come in time.

It's just difficult that she's in a world I can never fully understand though it's a million times harder for her.

I'll go and have a look on YouTube now, thank you.

Are they fur lined.?

As others have said, it's about something feeling wrong if it's almost but not the same. She expects the snow boots to be totally different.

I'm like this with food - if a company changes the ingredients of a food I like, I can tell, and it bothers me enough that I can't eat it again. It tastes 'wrong' for that food. I can try a new food, though, and might like that (under certain circumstances! not in a situation where it would be rude for me not to eat it if I dislike it - so I avoid dinner parties or restaurants that don't have online menus for me to look at first.)

When I find clothes or shoes I like, I buy multiples and set them aside for when the original ones wear out.

The boots? No just ankle high waterproof boots with a toggle at the top and soft waterproof material inside, but not fur. They do look very comfortable, and she's happy wearing them so I'm delighted.

As the mother as an autistic DD10 who also struggles to explain things thank you @Wanttounderstandddabitbetter and to all who have answered the question so far, i have found this thread immensely useful

If there's a PDA element then if there's an expectation that something should be ok because it's the same, sometimes switching completely can resolve the demand to like the similar thing.
It's impossible to explain logically as it's all at a subconscious level but it seems to work.

Different is better than wrong.
but I’ve also woke up sometimes and wanted something completely different or changed my opinion on something once hated or not keen on with no rhyme or reason, I had this a lot more as a child.