How do you deal with your child’s feelings when they compare themselves to friends that have lots of stuff.

[Hightideattheseaside]

We live in a semi affluent area but can’t afford to give our kids a lot of what their friends get. Some of it I wouldn’t get anyway from a moral point of view (the environment and trying to teach a sense of worth for stuff).

My DD (10) is complaining al lot she doesn’t have what her friends do. I try my best to get branded clothes and shoes on vinted where I can so she isn’t too different. But any tips on what to say to her? I do talk about the environment with the smaller shite trends and explain that’s why she hasn’t got it, which I think sinks in. I tell her to spend her money from birthdays on these things if she wants them but she doesn’t. Which tells me she doesn’t really want them.

But what about the expensive stuff I know her friends are going to get for Christmas? She compares all the time and I know she feels disappointed she doesn’t get the same. I try and give her what she asks for but I know come January she’ll be sad she didn’t have half of what her friends do which makes me feel rubbish. Any good lines to I can stock up to say?

I think she's old enough to have it really spelled out for her. Does she want to be hungry or cold? Does she want her family to be hungry or cold or have to move house to a different area because the rent/mortgage hasn't been paid? No? Well that's how money works. We buy what we can afford, and prioritise what we all need. Different households have different amounts of money. There is always someone with more and someone with less.

I think sharing your opinion is helpful and will definitely sink in.

I also think the way she feels is normal and to be expected. I’d tell her that and I’d teach her to tolerate her disappointment rather than try and make it disappear, if that makes.
Just acknowledge how she feels and tell her you understand. No need to fix, just make her feel understood and less alone.

I think I would point out that she has less than some but more than others.

I was broke a few years ago and me and the kids lived in a one bedroom apartment they had the room and it was tiny I slept on the sofa. Going round friends house and a normal sized house was like a mansion to them. I told them there are children out there living in cardboard boxes and there’s always someone richer or poorer than you.

What sorts of things does she want that they are getting and she isn't? Is it very specific things that she wants and can't have, or just a general feeling that they get "more" than she does?

I absolutely would not tolerate this kind of moaning 🤷‍♀️ I would point out how fortunate dd is and thst there are some kids who will get nothing for Christmas.

Bratty behaviour like this would not be tolerated.

I point out we have dpets. Most of ds's friends don't. Ds loves his furry friends. When they brag about exotic holidays I say I feel sorry they can't go camping like we do!

I find the best bargains I can (like the OP, Vinted) and discuss the cost of items freely and often. I also explain that some items are simply too expensive for us as a family. Very very few people have an unlimited budget and kids need to understand this.

This exactly.
Kids know life is unfair, they see it all around them. No need to be sanctimonious, just give her a hug.

Somethings are specific, like a personalised Stanley cup (£50 for a cup?!). She is now at an age where dupes are noticed and commented on. It’s been the same since I was young. I remember feeling similar, e.g being desperate for a pair for Adidas joggers with poppers down the side which my parents wouldn’t buy. I felt like the only one without a pair, so I empathise.

I do talk about how lucky we are and that we have lots of nice things, food to eat, holidays (even though they are not to fancy hotels) and she does hobbies etc. But, I think I end up coming across as preachy and she just switches off.

Great suggestion to just acknowledge and sympathise. Though I don’t think I’ll be able to sympathise with not having a fidget spinner advent calendar (her latest gripe). I will always push back against the terrible waste and environmental impact of shite like that.

And I know her behaviour comes across as bratty but when you live surrounded by wealth it is hard for kids I think and natural to have that feeling of missing out. I try my best to highlight others in need, we donate to charity, get the kids to do a food bank collection advent calendar, pass on her old toys etc. I hope it will all sink in one day.

But feel like I’m fighting against such a big tide of consumerism. Why are parents just buying kids whatever they want? Even if they can afford it. Do people not just stop and think if they really need it? Do kids really need another labubu or taba squishy, or whatever the latest piece of landfill is waiting in the wings, just to see their kids light up for a second. It gets discarded so quickly. I’m sure so much of it is kids just wanting the buzz of getting stuff.

I think its about validating her feelings when possible. That you chose to live in a nice area to give her the best opportunities, but that also means some of the people around her have higher incomes and that brings challenges for her too. And that it’s understandable for her to want to fit in and have some of the things the others have. But that its also ok to be different and value other things.

i think shes also allowed to have different values to you. She might never grow up to be an environmentalist and might also lean slightly to consumerism. And thats ok. She shouldn’t be shamed for that. This is the age where she is also figuring that stuff out and who she wants to be. Its good preparation for the teen years to hear that and empathise as much as possible.

Also, in the background start making a plan for high school. Because the pressure and trends she is exposed to now will ramp up hugely. And it is ok for her to want some of those things. Teenage clothing and needs is also just generally a lot more then a primary school aged child.

“Great suggestion to just acknowledge and sympathise. Though I don’t think I’ll be able to sympathise with not having a fidget spinner advent calendar (her latest gripe). I will always push back against the terrible waste and environmental impact of shite like that.”

Just smile and tell her you know how it feels to want something so much and not get it… Tell her about the adidas joggers… If you calmly tolerate her wanting + not getting+ the feelings that brings up, she’ll learn to regulate those feelings herself. When she starts saying ‘I wish I had that’ instead of ‘I want’, you are winning as she has already accepted not having it and she’s handling her disappointment.
Full focus on the feelings and how to manage them. It’s not her character.

And, I completely get your ‘why other parents…’ I also wish we were bringing up children in a less consumerist world.

Not everything needs to be a teachable moment. I like the advice to acknowledge her feelings. Play with the idea - "If you had £100, what would you buy?" Feelings pass.

It must be hard when they're bombarded to have 'stuff,' £50 for a cup is a nonsense as is the skin care stuff for tweens and all the other crap that's marketed to teens.

If it makes you feel any better OP my daughter sounds very similar but she does spend every penny of pocket money on whatever bit of plastic tat is in. At least maybe the message is getting through to your DD if she isn’t willing to spend her money? But it does make me very depressed too.

I would focus on how different families have different priorities for how they spend the money that they have.

Your daughter knows your values around consumerism and is more likely to come round to them if she has choice. My daughter went through a period of wanting things from shein. I had a chunter about it but let her get on with it and she eventually looked into it herself and decided to stop buying from there.

Personally, if you can afford it, I would surprise her with the advent calendar.

I laugh at my son and say I’m sorry you were born into the wrong family!
plus remind him that he does alright compared to many.
when he was younger he did once say our house is quite small and I did get cross and tell him he needs a reality check and not be a brat as our house would be quite big to many, including some of his close friends!

She is absorbing false values from her friends and it is your job to counter that.

And do not forget that every single teenager believes fervently that all their friends have it better than they do. Or they say this to try and get what they want!

Stick to your guns .... let her moan ....

With something like the personalized Stanley cup, if I had a £50 budget for her Christmas presents I would probably tell her "I really don't want to get you this as I think it's very overpriced and will be cast aside for the next Tiktok craze very soon - but if you really want it you can have it for Christmas, but then there won't be anything else" (or, then you'll only get the plus a book and a selection box etc or whatever fills up the budget). Her reaction would probably tell you quite a bit.

Sorry but I don’t agree with this at all. My parent grew up working class/lower middle class and went to a very very very wealthy school. They learned self reliance and if you wanted something you worked for it.

Comparing and complaining isn’t ‘hard’ it’s entitled and bratty. No gratitude of what they do have and what others may not and that being morally rich is more important.

I think you are trying to keep up with thr Jonses and this is part of the problem.

But feel like I’m fighting against such a big tide of consumerism. Why are parents just buying kids whatever they want? Even if they can afford it. Do people not just stop and think if they really need it? Do kids really need another labubu or taba squishy, or whatever the latest piece of landfill is waiting in the wings, just to see their kids light up for a second. It gets discarded so quickly. I’m sure so much of it is kids just wanting the buzz of getting stuff.

Why do you assume they can afford it? People get things for presents or use vouchers or buy on eBay etc etc. everyone assumes everyone else can afford stuff but they might just be savvy with sales etc etc

Say what you said in your OP: you can’t afford it. That’s all that’s needed. I speak as someone who grew up in a low-income family. I knew not to ask for these things.

The environmental aspects won’t wash with a 10 year-old.

For various reasons, my DC also live close to and go to school with people who are astronomically wealthier than we will ever be.

Our strategy is to teach our DC that you need to work hard to buy things you want. So far, that seems to be working fairly well with my oldest DS. He can do extra chores for more pocket money, which he spends on plastic crap, but he at least sees the connection between working and owning something.

It’s very American, but I highly recommend the book ‘Smart Money, Smart Kids’ by Dave Ramsey. There is a really good chapter on teaching kids about money and contentment.

My parents are very wealthy, but growing up I never had whatever I wanted. The day I turned 14 (legal working age) my father drove me to the local shopping centre with my resume, and made me apply for a job in every shop until I got one. None of my friends ever had to work while studying. I had to buy my own first car, a crappy, 20-year old, Volvo, while all my friends got brand new luxury cars gifted for their 18th birthdays. I could go on…

I am so grateful to my parents that they taught me the value of hard work and contentment. My DH was raised the same way, by working class parents.

Yanbu OP, we are in exactly the same position as you. When I was a kid the most anyone got was a bike for Christmas. Now it’s a £3k gaming PC or something.