How do you deal with your child’s feelings when they compare themselves to friends that have lots of stuff.

[Hightideattheseaside]

We live in a semi affluent area but can’t afford to give our kids a lot of what their friends get. Some of it I wouldn’t get anyway from a moral point of view (the environment and trying to teach a sense of worth for stuff).

My DD (10) is complaining al lot she doesn’t have what her friends do. I try my best to get branded clothes and shoes on vinted where I can so she isn’t too different. But any tips on what to say to her? I do talk about the environment with the smaller shite trends and explain that’s why she hasn’t got it, which I think sinks in. I tell her to spend her money from birthdays on these things if she wants them but she doesn’t. Which tells me she doesn’t really want them.

But what about the expensive stuff I know her friends are going to get for Christmas? She compares all the time and I know she feels disappointed she doesn’t get the same. I try and give her what she asks for but I know come January she’ll be sad she didn’t have half of what her friends do which makes me feel rubbish. Any good lines to I can stock up to say?

I usually say the line "just cos other people like to waste their money on useless things doesn't mean you have to", Or "it could be worse!"

I purposely don't buy everything DC wants because it's nice to dream, and achieve.

Sounds like you're doing the right thing by just letting her spend her own money, just keep going.

Well this thread has taught me that fidget spinner advent calendars are a thing and I am absolutely horrified so I'm with you OP!

Anything can be an advent calendar these days. It’s ridiculous. The whole consumerism of the season depresses me greatly.

There’s been some good advice on this thread, thank you. I’ll just let her have space for disappointment while reminding her she is so lucky and has so much more than many.

Mine sometimes asks "are we poor?". And I say: "No. We're bang in the middle. You just have a squewed perspective because you mix with a lot of well off people."

I've gone so far as to show her where we sit on the Ifs calculator

We're in the opposite situation in that we've chosen to stay in a not so good area and have the extra money to spend on tat. If it's any consolation they still complain. All her friends have nicer houses apparently.

I pointed out that its a choice I made so we could have spare money for her activities, going on holiday etc.

Oh this was interesting currently richer than 27%. A few years ago it was only 3% 😬 still told the kids we were bang in the middle and they believed it.
I was also raised being told at every meal there were kids out there starving and living in cardboard boxes.

I'm old enough to remember when there were advent calendars with nothing in them, just open the door to reveal a picture of a king, star or angel with the birthday boy being the main one on the 24th. That would give today's kids a total vit of the vapors but I'd take it any day over the ridiculous £££ ones that are out there these days (although preference will always be the basic £1 rubbish chocolate one!).

"Oh this was interesting currently richer than 27%. A few years ago it was only 3% 😬 still told the kids we were bang in the middle and they believed it."

Congratulations on your meteoric rise.

haha thank you I re did it while ticking the housing cost box and it’s down to 19% 😂 still as I tell my kids there’s other children out there eating nothing but toast without butter so can’t grumble

A couple of things. One is that you could implement pocket money so whatever you feel is reasonable and make her do a couple of daily chores to earn it. That way she can learn the value of earning your own money and save up to get the expensive things she wants. She might be less inclined to spend £50 on a water bottle if it’s money she’s worked for… She could also save any Christmas and birthday money and use this.

It’s hard when they’re this age. Very impressionable and keen to fit in. The issue with fads is one it dies out, which typically happens within a year or so, the very expensive item is a waste because nobody thinks it’s cool anymore.

I can sympathise. My DD’s are much more prone to this than DS’s. I remember them begging for an air up bottle when they were a thing a few years back so we got those and some filter things, must have been about £70 combined. They used them for like 2 months then never again.

Mine never questioned these things. I appreciate that a lot has changed in the last 6-7 years.

But then once I knew that there was all this £££ arriving in their friends homes I started teaching about money.
For example I gave them a budget of X and took them to the shop to get some trainers, hoody or whatever. Sometimes they went with the cheaper ones, sometimes they said they wanted to wait and buy the branded stuff by adding Christmas or Birthday money.

Games and tech I did similar, find it online and we'll see from there. I tell them what I I can afford and again it's their own money to make up the difference.

Take her to do the shopping with you. Buy something for the food bank or whatever (for me it’s the St Vincent de Paul basket at the door of the church). Add it into your shopping list so it becomes part of your routine.

She can choose something. You can choose something. It has to be non perishable and have a decent date length on it.

Every week. Every single week.

I just said “when you work, you make your own choices” but I have to say, I didn’t use this retort very often. 10 isn’t too young to grasp the need and reasons for judicious spending.

I would be more concerned about why she is like this. I don’t actually think all dc are like this at all. Mine didn’t want to go to Disney - lots of friends went. We chose presents carefully and they had one big one and then smaller ones. So a pair of trainers (for example) and then smaller things. What “stuff” do they actually want? I wasn’t going to give house room to “stuff” but we went to the theatre, had days out and had interesting holidays. We weren’t followers though and maybe your dc needs to develop their own interests rather than seeing life through acquisitions and possessions? I would explain this to her.

I’d show her how people live around the world, most with much less than she already has.

And explain how wages, taxation, budgeting and savings work.

I've had a really poignant conversation with my 7 year old son recently. We are not particularly well off but certainly more stable than most. I refuse to buy into the trend of materialism and overindulgence.

My sister is in a different position. On paper, she's poor. Low income, social housing, and a single mother of 2 boys. She over compensates for them a lot. Getting herself into debt to give them anything they want. (Just to clarify, I believe we are both doing what we feel is best for our children and have different perspectives).

Anyway, my nephews are 10 and 8. They have smart phones, PS5, gaming PC, Nintendo switch, 2 VR headsets, designer clothes, everything you could possibly imagine. When we were visiting last week, my son asked why his nephews have a gaming PC when they don't use it and don't even know how to turn it on. I took the opportunity to speak with him about our needs and our wants. How some things benefit us and our development and how other things stint it. Somethings enrich our lives and make us happier while other things distract us. That is why people have different priorities and different possessions. Because we aren't all the same and happiness is individual. We shouldn't always want what others have and should instead be individual. I will always encourage him to ask the question,'Why do I want this?'

I wouldn’t spend £50 on a Stanley cup if I was a billionaire. What a waste of money, same for fidget spinner advent calendar. Is this about being richer than you or having different values to you? You sound like you’re handling it perfectly. When mine want something totally ridiculous like that I usually tell them if they can save half I’ll match it or if it’s cheaper that they can buy it themselves. It makes them think about whether they really want it or not and if it’s a good use of money

Agree with this. My parents were almost permanently skint when I was a child, so from a very young age I simply knew it was no use asking for extras they couldn’t afford - sweets/snacks except at weekends, and any toys except at 🎄and for birthdays. I really longed for some things schoolfriends had - ballet and riding lessons among others, but had to long for them in silence.

Dh was much the same. TBH we’ve probably gone the other way with (long grown up) dds, I do sometimes think we spoiled them. 🙁

A firm lesson that stuff doesn't equal happiness. I wouldn't tolerate that moaning, she can feel however she wants, but she needs to appreciate what she has. in a few years she can get job and then buy what she wants.

I’d just say that a fidget advent calendar is a waste of money. Be glad yours has chocolate and not just pictures. And that you don’t have to take it in turns opening the doors with siblings. If she feels strongly, I’d get a fidget toy for stocking but agree tat.

I’m guessing expensive = tech ? I would just say you don’t want her on screens all the time!

Perhaps you can get involved and make a Rotary shoebox (or other) and how that’s a child’s whole Christmas gift? Great practical way for some perspective.

@MellowSnake My DDs loved the pictures. They were like stained glass windows. We never had chocolate ones as my DM bought them. We just over complicate everything.

OP i remember crying and having a meltdown to my mum begging for Burberry trousers because my wealthy friend was apparently getting them for Christmas. Friend never actually got them for Christmas: it was a life lesson to me in the end.

At 10 your daughter is old enough to understand things cost money, and that you don't have an infinite supply of cash.

Why not just be open with her? Does she still think presents come with Santa and the reindeer?

It's ok to say you can't afford it. It's ok to say we can spend all our money on tat or we can pay the rent.

Does she get any money of her own? Monthly allowance or birthday money? If there is something specific she want maybe she can save up for it?