Friends with no kids

[KindOtter]

little bit of a long story…
my friends (who are sisters) who I’ve known for 20 years, is now currently at a different part of life then me. Myself 25F, I have a 19 month old and hopefully another on the way soon and I have a place of my own. My friends are 25F & 27F are still living at parents house and no kids.
we've recently come to a bit of a disagreement when it comes to meeting up.
They don’t like my partner and vice versa so they have said they don’t feel comfortable coming over to my house even when invited. I also don’t feel comfortable taking my 19 month old to their house, for multiple reasons however the biggest one being their house isn’t baby proofed and they are hoarders (I am a clean freak) I have suggested we go elsewhere with my son (e.g. park, kids indoor play areas, walks) so I can better appreciate our time together as friends and he can still enjoy himself but it seemed they weren’t happy with that compromise as it’s not something they would enjoy.
they still go out drinking most weekends or at least the 25F does, which means she doesn’t wake up until the afternoon times and then by the time she’s actually ready to see me it’s too late.
I don’t have a problem with the type of lifestyle that they have because everyone is their own person but I don’t want to be made to feel bad for choosing the best for my family, especially my child.

can anyone let me know if I’m right for thinking and feeling the way I do or if Im being too strict and I should relax a bit?

Can’t you leave your ds and meet up with them as adults, like you used to?

You need to meet them without partner and child. Just “go out with the girls”. Rarely are friends without dc in their 20s interested in your children (I say that as someone who has dd1 at 26. I definitely list friends and felt let down but the didn’t stages mean it’s natural. Friends are often for a season but to keep these ones, meet out for dinner with dh looking after the toddler and spend quality time. It’s very hard having a conversation with a toddler in the room.

I agree with other posters. Leave your child with his father and meet up as friends.

If you don’t want to take your DC to theirs and they don’t want to come to yours, then that’s fine. And kids’ indoor play areas and suchlike are still my idea of hell, and I have to go to them. If I were childless or childfree (particularly in my 20’s), it’s not how I would choose to spend my time.

Leave DC with your partner and meet them for adult time.

why do you have to take your child?

and yes, I have 3 so I do understand what it's like having them.

are you genuinely saying at soft play that you just sit there peacefully for 2 hours with nothing to do? cos my experience of it even with just one, especially so young, is constant toilet trips and snacks and come watch me do this, and come watch me do that. even when I go with Mom friends we accept we'll barely talk! it's not a reasonable catch up venue for anyone until the kids are much older.

I'm assuming as you say hopefully another soon that there's a Dad in the picture?

You sound very disdainful of their way of life OP. You’re not superior to them just because you have a child, just saying.

I do sometimes leave my son with his dad and meet them alone, but they have asked to see him because they enjoy seeing him only I don’t think they truly understand what that entails.

p.s what does ds mean?

FestiveFruitloop - obviously, no one is superior to anyone, everyone has their own way of life, and had you read my post fully you would know that. I’m just trying to figure out how to balance friendship and motherhood, since they don’t have kids and don’t understand.
Besides I asked for advice, not snarky little comments.

SleepingStandingUp - yes his dad is in the picture.

it’s not perfect venue, tbh I don’t think anywhere or anytime will be perfect but it does make it that little bit easier.
ordinarily I would just leave him with his dad and go see friends but I can’t do that every time I want go see them, as it’s not fair on his dad and also it means my friends would never see him.

How often are you seeing them that it’s not fair on his father to have to parent? Are we talking daily visits?

not daily but a couple times a month, maybe once a week.
but if I left my son with his dad every time I went to see friends, and I don’t just mean these friends I mean my other ones too. He would have no me time, no time to unwind and relax.

Of course you can. How often do you see friends? Once or twice a week? Even three times a week? Of course he can have his own child all of those times. And trust me, much as I'm sure your friends love your son, they probably don't want to see him more than once every few months. They want to see you!

Thank you for all your advice

That’s the reality of being a parent.

I’m sure you will disagree right now but in time you will realise that the overwhelming majority of people don’t really want to spend time with your child and don’t mean it if they say to bring him along.

Well mix and match then. Friends who do get it bring your son, these friends who cannot facilitate having your son there don’t bring him. You don’t have to leave him with his father every time. Just be flexible in your approach.

the context that they're asking to see him is important.

I still think soft play is no use cos it's not really spending time with him.

the "they don't like my partner" is a bit of a flag. is he supporting you seeing these and other friends alone?

how about a coffee shop? ds (dear son) spent plenty of time in coffee shops at that age. take some toys and then they can actually interact and talk to him?

Thank you xx

Meet up with them without your DC and go to places that 3 adult women will enjoy together.

I hated soft plays when I went there with my kids. I would have hated even more going to them with someone else's kid. I would suck it up as a one-off, but not for that to be the place I went to socialise with my friends.

Why don't your friends like your partner?

Why doesn't you partner like your friends?

Actually, you asked for opinions not advice. I did read your post fully and gave you my honest thoughts. I do think you sound like you consider your way of life superior, and imo this could be factoring into the difficulties socialising with your friends is presenting, if you give off the impression you think you're doing life better than they are.

You're perfectly welcome to disregard my thoughts but I stand by what I said. If you only wanted people to post if they agreed with you, well unfortunately that's not how discussion boards tend to work.

I don’t think I’m superior. I don’t think I’m doing life better. I’m just doing life differently right now which I feel they don’t understand the difficulties and that’s the issue.

yes I did ask for opinions and honestly I expected some of them to disagree with me but to think I’m superior to them because I have a child or because my life is different, is not at all what I expected to receive since I thought I made it clear that’s not what I think or feel.

but thank you for kind words and your honest opinion

Go out with your friends once your son is in bed?

Do they really want to see your son, or are they just being polite? Your description of them doesn't suggest that they are super keen on small children.

Once I had a kid, the only friends I saw once a week were NCT friends i.e. they also had babies and we used to meet up at houses and bring our sandwiches for lunch!

Could you do something like go out drinking once a month with them and then ask them over for an evening that your DP is out, for netflix and wine once your son is in bed (they could come before he went to bed, if they wanted, and it wouldn't make him too excited to sleep)

Why would you need to do it with your other friends?

Do they not like your partner either?

I know MN loves the mantra that no one else likes your kid, no one else is interested in your kid, everyone just as best politely tolerates your offspring out of obligation but I genuinely want to see my kids friends. they genuinely wanted to see mine when they were younger. op has said she sees them without the child and this is about seeing the friends with her son specifically. being child free in your 20s doesn't mean you have to abhor their very existence