In the spirit of fun, OLD profile statements and what they really mean.

[Mysticmaud]

Looking back to the post of a few weeks ago when the overfamiliar new widower missed 'cuddles' I consulted by BFF who is a serial dater. She came up with a very long list of 'truth stretchers'.
Please add as I need a good laugh.

I'll start.

6ft= 5'8'' if you're lucky
Entrepreneur= skint Walter Mitty
Property Developer= HMO Slum landlord
Strong Family ties= mummies boy
Passionate= sex mad handy Andy
Adventurous= pervert

Not looking for anything serious = I will fuck you, in more ways than one.

No drama wanted = I will upset you and then blame you when you react

I'd say that's a professional wanker and needs to fuck the fuck off as they say on mumsnet.

5'8"=5'4" at best too.

Typical Sunday, walk and a roast = boring as fuck!

Open minded = swinger

"Adventurous"- I want to raw dog you whilst wearing a gimp suit

"Age bracket 50-55"- I am 66 (plus 24 months)

"I am 6 foot tall"- I am 5'4" whilst standing on a step ladder

"enjoys sunsets and beach picnics" - I will say whatever I think you want to hear to get you into bed and I am assuming you like these things because bitches love sunsets

"Looking for fun/frolics"- You will need to book in a monthly appointment with your local STD clinic if you date me

"looking for a traditional woman at heart"- expect the handmaids tale, only worse.

"looking for something casual/short term" - I will be calling you a cab before you've even got dressed

"I'm really into my fitness"- My main relationship is with my gym's mirror and I have named both of my biceps

"tired of games/drama" - more baggage than Heathrow and loves drama, will start drama at any given opportunity, would bathe in drama if I could

@icantbelieveitsnotcake "I am 50." = "My false teeth are 50 yrs old."

hahahaha yes

I just want a straightforward relationship = I am incapable of dealing with differences and conflict.

Chiseled = mirror watcher
Good body= you'd better not be fat
Curvy woman required= I like big butts (tits) and I cannot lie!
Solvent = I'm paying for nothing
Family man= I'll move mine in.I

@icantbelieveitsnotcake love the STD clinic gag.

😄😄 loving these

Not looking forward to getting out there though 🙃

@mumofoneAloneandwell the BFF has found a couple with large gifts!

She's a screem that kicks them out of bed if they're shit. It does help she's posh and looks like Ivana Trump. 5'6'', eyes of blue etc.

Love wild camping and paddleboarding = once watched paddleboarding whilst standing near a VW camper, but I think it makes me sound cool

My kids are my life = you probably see them EOW, at best

No drama queens = abusive twat

Love this thread! So glad I’m out of there

Tactile - I’ll shove my hands in your knickers at every opportunity then call you a prude for not being up for it 24/7

Age is nothing but a number - old codger who resembles Dobby wants a nurse with a purse 30 years his junior to cook clean and wipe his arse in his dotage as well as being up for a shag whenever the blue pills kick in

Cosy Sundays by the fire= I'm too tight to take you out to lunch

Teenage kids welcome= no money/ effort from me needed.

Professional woman required= I'll sit on my arse
Widows welcome= ditto

Weekend sportsman= get the dinner on for when I get home woman.

Amicable relationship with my ex= it might be true?

Bon voyeur= drunk

Life and soul= ditto

Clean and tidy= obsessive hygiene freak

Masculine= big member

English rose required= bully/ racist take your pick

Let’s save the chat for when we meet = I only have two topics and will run out

Looking for a relationship - I’ll buy the drinks on the first date but if your knickers aren’t off in the second I’ll be moving on to my next victim

Average build- fat and bald.
No drama- knucklehead.
50 plus and open to having children- pervert who wants a very young partner.

If you want to know just ask- thick.

There is the opposite
Academic= up my own arse boffin.

Good job I'm married and wouldn't do it again. 😄

Old school gent - sexist misogynistic knuckle dragging dinosaur who thinks a woman should know her place and STFU.