Confidentiàĺity

[PerkyOchrePeer]

Not sure what to do. Someone i dont know very well at all told me about a family rift. I saw this person's sister and mentioned that I was sorry about the rift and that I understood because I had been through something similar. The sister was very grateful for my concern and said thank you. However the person who told me didn't like me speaking to her sister as she said what she told me was between her and me and confidential. My issue is that her sister being her sister knew all about the rift so I wasn't renting something the sister knew nothing about and she was grateful that I was showing sympathy based on my own experience.

Did I do anything wrong by talking to the sister

You shouldn't have mentioned it.

It was wrong to talk about it to anybody at all if they asked you to keep it confidential. The rift could be made worse simply because the sister might be angry that their siblings is talking to people about their family business.

You should have kept out of it

The sister knew about the rift obviously, but the person who told you about it probably doesn't want their sister knowing that they have been discussing it with others. That kind of thing is just like to add to the trouble.

Sorry, OP, but yes, you were wrong to talk to the sister. You say you don’t know the first person who spoke to you very well - did they know that you know their sister? I have a friend who once moved to the same road as a family member: on one occasion they suggested inviting family member around and was surprised when I said no: I said that one thing about friends was that you could talk about family secure in the knowledge that it wouldn’t go any further, and I valued that in a friendship. If they started to become friendly with other family member, I would lose that (and in fact wouldn’t be such a good friend any more because I know family member would also be talking about me).

Of course you are in the wrong , you have broken your friends confidence

Yup, you were in the wrong to talk to the sister (or anyone else) about it.

Of course the sister wasn’t grateful for your concern. People politely say thank you when someone blindsides them with something like that because the alternative is to tell you to piss off with dragging that shit up. What you did was beyond rude. The old phrase are you on glue comes to mind, but really I suspect you’re either my MIL or learned social skills in the same place. No one ever appreciates someone trying to shit stir their family drama or fishing for gossip. Ever. Just stop it.

You definitely shouldn’t have mentioned something like that, should go without saying for your friend that you wouldn’t say anything to the people concerned. I’d be pretty annoyed at you and wouldn’t be sharing much in future.

Did you tell the first person that you had told his/her sister? It seems that the sister probably wasn't as grateful as you think and went her sister/brother to complain.

What was the context that you were told?

If I had an issue with a member of my family and someone heard about it abd xane to me and said they were sorry etc, I would be genuinely grateful for their support. I have had family issues and not been in contact with members of my family for various reasons and it's not until you meet someone who has gone through the same thing that you realise that they really understand d your situation. This is why I spoke to the sister. The person who confided in me in the first place is not a friend and she never will be. I dont like her personality and she is known to be a bit stern. I prefer people who are happy go lucky who laugh and this person comes over as very cool but polite
She attempted to ring me to discuss this but my phone was off so she messaged me instead and sternly had a go at me. She got my nu.ber as we are both part of a wassap group, but I dont want her to contact me again personally. She never sends any messages to the wassap group and I think that if I see her out socially I will just say hello and leave it at that. I dont want any more contact with her other than. That. We are not friends and never will be

Good thing for her that you don't want any extra contact with her.

She's not your friend, you don't even like her, but you saw fit to meddle in her family relationships. Of course you were out of line. You were gossiping and are unhappy at being called out on it.

You shouldn’t have broken her confidentiality without her permission, whether you consider her a friend or not.

I agree with the previous posters. You shouldn't have said anything. In fact I think you owe this person an apology, but you don't seem to think you've done anything wrong.

I did apologise

She did wrong to confide in me. She hardly knows me. I do not confide in someone unless I had a very good relationship with them and I would have to know them very well. I would NEVER confide in an acquaintance I hardly knew. So I cannot take all the blame for this

@PerkyOchrePeer, I’d suggest you look back at your posting history on Mn and notice how often you use the phrase ‘X is not my friend and never will be’, how often you post about similar situations, and also how often you post on here saying someone else shouldn’t have confided in you/showed you around their country on holiday etc because you would never do that to someone you weren’t a close friend of, therefore they are wrong.

What comes up over and over again in your posts is a lack of theory of mind. Other people don’t necessarily act as you would do, it often seems to make you terribly angry.

It’s totally irrelevant what you would do in the confiding person’s shoes, or if you would be delighted to discover a family member had been talking freely to someone she barely knew about family stuff.. She feels differently. It presumably never crossed her mind that you would be socially clumsy enough to tell her sister you knew about something that is presumably a painful subject.

Just accept that you were at fault here, and move on.

Confiding in someone you hardly know is generally considered risky

Found this online. I am wary of people who do think in haste. This person has recently got married but she had relationship issues and the person who was going to marry them said they were not ready to Wed due to issues. Her fiance admitted they had difficulties in their relationship and if that was me I would not marry until I had worked out my relationship issues. I saw them together. They dont look like a happily married newly Wed couple. I think they married in haste.

Not sure I want to see either of them again

What do you mean ‘Found this online’? Is this an entirely different set of people, or is one of these people the person who confided or her sister ?

I wouldn't have said anything. They presumably talked to you in private.

Who are you though to offer support and assume it is needed or wanted? They don’t even know you! You’re sticking your nose into someone else’s private family business. Have you not learned social skills?

In future if someone confides in you, just file it away in your head and SAY NOTHING TO ANYONE!

You were in the wrong, you have possibly made the situation worse by disclosing that it had been told to you. You should have kept quiet.

Oh, it's her. Good flag.