Dinner guests + clearing up etiquette

[verybighouseinthecountry]

Another thread made me think about this. When I grew up, if you had dinner guests over you would never have let them help tidy up/clear away, and dishes were washed after they left (later on when we had a dishwasher it might have been loaded very quickly), not in front of them. Your job as the host was to feed/entertain them, not let them watch you clean up. It would have been very rude to let a guest help. Guests were close friends/family, not strangers or work colleagues.
I just read a thread complaining because the "guests never wash up" and it startled me a bit because I'd never offer because of the way I was brought up, it would be outrageous to think that a host would let me help, so it would cause offence to offer.
I'm wondering if this is just my family, or are other people like this?

I’m in the ‘it depends’ camp. If people come for dinner, I don’t expect them to wash up, although I don’t object if they help carry stuff to the kitchen.

If it’s Thanksgiving or Christmas, when I’m catering for 20+, and it’s mostly family, I do expect some help, and I always help in similar circumstances.

If it’s someone staying for a few days or a week, bloody right I expect them to do a share of the work. My brother-in-law is dreadful for not so much as washing a mug, and he gets short shrift from me.

😂

"No thanks, but the loo needs cleaning ..."

Ok so I'm just going to be grotesquely honest now, but if it's late and wine has been drunk, I tend to say "Oh no: we'll clean up in the morning." And we do.

Omg I hate it when MIL does this at my house. Stay the fuck out of my kitchen. I'm running all cylinders and don't have the capacity to direct you in my second language. Maybe she just thinks I'm incapable?

Yes the same. I know where everything goes/needs to be stacked in order to make space, guests don't. I wouldn't offer to host if I wasn't prepared to do it all.

@TwoLeftSocksWithHoles I'm a bit perplexed about cleaning the window frames? Surely you eat on plates rather than the window sills?

In most circumstances, I wouldn't expect a guest to clean up.

The exception would be a guest who comes round frequently enough to be family (e.g. we have a friend who eats at ours most Saturdays and sometimes in the week, and sometimes we ask him to help with something) or maybe if someone is staying several days. I would think, if someone stayed a whole week and didn't wash a single dish, it would be a little bit rude of them.

Normally would not expect a guest to clean up but I do always offer. I do have some friends who help without asking but equally I do the same in their houses.

Yes when I used to host my ex’s family,men washed none dishwasher stuff

No I’m bought up the same and when I go to someone’s house I offer to help but expect them to say no! Even if my sink is overflowing and there’s mess everywhere, I’m bought up to say ‘no trouble at all, I’ll do it later’.

My husbands culture is completely different - you clear away plates from the table as they finish their food, don’t leave empty plates in front of guest, immediately wipe the table and go and clean up in the kitchen. My BIL even hoovers under the table the second the food is eaten. Stacking plates up in restaurants to ‘help’ the waiting staff. Visitors will come into the kitchen and basically roll up their sleeves ready to help and would be shocked if I said I’ll do it later. It’s taken years and I still haven’t quite got to grips with this.

Or maybe she wants to help so that one person isn't left grafting away for hours whilst others are sitting having a drink and a chat ?

I'd consider it incredibly rude if family thought I were just there to wait upon them. I certainly wouldn't be having people to stay who didn't pull their weight.

I'm happy to agree the etiquette might be different if you chose to host a formal dinner party.
That's not something I've ever done, and nor have I ever been to one.

We have people round who are close friends or are family, who, as such, would muck in, and I can see that could be different if the people weren't close friends / family.

I mean while I totally get it and I was always brought up in the guest is king mentality too, I also think in the real world, and in the shoes of the guest, how relaxing and nice actually is it to sit back and be waited on while your host runs around doing everything for you? It's all very well not knowing where the kitchen is but in your average British semi it's pretty difficult to not be aware when your host is washing up next door! And god help you as a guest trying to studiously ignore a very obvious cooking disaster or domestic contretemps going on in the kitchen while you make polite conversation over the canapes (not that MN super-hosts would ever be such a disappointment in life as to burn the spuds or need to loudly correct their DH's sous-chefing abilities during a dinner party dahling, heaven forfend).

Personally for anything short of a very formal dinner party (and let's face it, who hosts those these days) I let guests do a little bit of helping out if they offer, carry their plates through to the sink, lay out the knives and forks for the next course, open the next bottle of wine, help themselves to tap water, roughly mop up any spills sort of thing. I just find it way too awkward as a guest to sit in luxury while my host waits on me hand and food, no-one has staff to do those things and it's nicer personally to not try and pretend we're all at a state dinner in our tiaras when it's very obvious we're normal average people in someone's front room!)

I wouldn’t expect guest to.
perhaps maybe if it was more than weekly they were there I might though.

We recently had family over including MIL and she started clearing but I had been running after the children so hadn’t even finished eating! I know it was a kind gesture but it did feel like overstepping slightly.

I politely refuse offers of clearing up washing up from guests. Happy to do it ourselves after guests have left, whatever time it might be.

I must be a heathen then because I always offer and I accept help if its offered !

If the guests are my mum, stepdad, or my sister, they will often lend a hand to stack the dishwasher, or even wash up the odd item.

But I wouldn't expect (or want) anyone else to, and certainly not if it's a hosted "event" type of meal vs. my sister popping over for lunch.

If I'm hosting something formal (doesn't really happen aside from Christmas), then I wouldn't expect anyone to help.

Tbh, I never expect anytime to help anyway. But most of the time, rather then formal hosting, it's closer friends, and they muck in as needed. They are the sort of friends who know their way round your cupboards, and will come in and make a cuppa for both of us without asking.

I would always offer to help. So I'd start to clear the table as standard. When I met dh's work friends the couple both cleared up and so I backed off and sat in the living room. With my own friends we all pitch in and whilst they wouldn't expect me to wash dishes I would clear the table whilst they loaded the dishwasher but the conversation just carries on or I'd stick the kettle on. For family it would be considered very rude to not offer to help. We are asian though so don't know if that makes any difference. If I have dinner at my mum's or mother inlaws I'd do the dishes at the very least.

How about a compromise: They can help 'clear up' but not wash up. In my book they should at least sincerely offer.

I'm going to take this as a droll joke😄

Coming over for dinner - I do not expect them to help. Staying in my house for a few days, I really do expect them to pitch in.

I'll clear the table but only to make us more comfortable if we're still sitting there chatting, sometimes we stay there and sometimes take drinks into sitting room so it depends

I always offer to help clear away and plates into the kitchen. No one has ever said oh yes please do wash them

I would never go round to someone’s house and expect to be waited on. The polite thing to do as a guest is to offer to clear up.