Dinner guests + clearing up etiquette

[verybighouseinthecountry]

Another thread made me think about this. When I grew up, if you had dinner guests over you would never have let them help tidy up/clear away, and dishes were washed after they left (later on when we had a dishwasher it might have been loaded very quickly), not in front of them. Your job as the host was to feed/entertain them, not let them watch you clean up. It would have been very rude to let a guest help. Guests were close friends/family, not strangers or work colleagues.
I just read a thread complaining because the "guests never wash up" and it startled me a bit because I'd never offer because of the way I was brought up, it would be outrageous to think that a host would let me help, so it would cause offence to offer.
I'm wondering if this is just my family, or are other people like this?

I think it’s so rude to wash up when guests are in the house & my husband would trigger me by aggressively doing the washing up when my friends and family were home. Btw he never did the washing up otherwise - only when guests were there!

I recently found out that his mum hated having guests over and shouting at her kids to wash up while they were there was how she coped with it.

Hmm
Tricky. Informal suppers in the family room, delighted if people help to clear and carry bots of the next course in.
More formal dinner/lunch in the dining room, pribably not.
Being able to leave pots and pans and plates stacked was one of the main reasons I kept the kitchen separated from the family room/family dining area. There's a door way between them but I decided not to knock it all through.

If it was a family member/close friend then I would certainly offer or start to help clear the table and move things to the kitchen. I wouldn't start loading the dishwashing or washing things though- unless it was MIL's or my own mums house who I know appreciate the help.

If I was say a work colleague, new friend, very formal dinner party, then I 'might' offer to help clear the table, but not physically get up unless they said yes.

I never expect guests to wash up. Sometimes they offer to help but I always decline. I also don’t do the washing up in front of them - other than clearing the table. Most of my friends are the same.

I tend to clear as I go into the dishwasher so by the time I'm dishing up the dishwasher is already running, then dh will reload it as I clear the table after dinner. Keeps the kitchen clear and only takes a minute Always say no if a guest offers to help my mum and dad ignore me and clear anyway, but only as far as the draining board they don't have a dishwasher and used to wash up before putting things in mine which I told them was a waste of time. My dad is also known to empty the bin if he goes to put something in and it's full he'll empty it/take it to the wheelie bin.

The only time I used to host was Christmas dinner, sometimes we had 16 people, family and close friends.
I never let anyone wash up but from the age of about 10ys old DD was my helper, bit of a tradition, she loved it and over the years we had a real system going.
DD hosts now shes married and we still make a great team.
If I get invited anywhere it's usually to one of my sisters so I'm allowed to help!

I wouldn't expect guests to help clean up, but as a guest I always offer.
The only exception to that is when my sil, we clean up the kitchen together and vape and Gossip.

Why would you be bored? Surely you are enjoying your guests company? Strange post 🤔

I think it's very rude to expect guests to clear up. I went to one of my DHs friends house and his partners once. The friend cooked and then expected us all to help clean up. I did it, because he insisted, but I thought it was incredibly rude. He seemed to have been bought up that guests have to clear away.

I'm with you OP. I never clear up until guests have left and I never expect guests to help, it's rude imo

I am the same as you - wait until the go away to clear up. My DH might stick some things in the dishwasher when people are still in but I would be chatting with them. The bulk would get done later though.

I never expect a guest to help clear up. I like to pamper people when they visit.

But I do offer and am very happy to help when I’m a guest. But I can take a hint from those who don’t want kitchen invaders.

It does feel like I’m a bit more special when I’m allowed to help so sometimes I feel bad if I’m shooing people away in case I’m getting their visitor status wrong.

No, I'd never expect guests to clear up. The only place as a guest I've ever cleared up is my sisters and only because she's cooked Christmas dinner.

Glad to hear my guest etiquette is fairly typical!

I don’t ‘expect’ guests to clear up but I like and accept if people offer to load the dishwasher with me. We both work full time with young kids. Friends are similar, so we all help out when we go to each others houses.

I don't want people in my kitchen, I'm like a goblin, it's my domain. So even when people offer to help I insist they don't. Everything gets stacked to be properly cleaned up later once people have left.

Couples around for dinner - I never expect them to help.
Group of close girlfriends we’d all help at least clear plates etc.
Family get togethers usually someone helps as well but I wouldn’t expect that.
I offer help when being hosted but usually people say no..

It really depends on circumstances.

Inviting friends round for a nice dinner as a one off - no, save it for after they’ve gone.

If yours is the house where all family always assume you’ll congregate at for family gatherings, or you’ve got friends or family staying with you for several days / a week, or everyone always comes back to your place after baby club on a Friday, and leaves the place in a state every time - then yes, your guests should be mucking in and helping you all out.

Both of these are guests situations. But the second type regularly make a lot more work for you and if these are good friends / family who you regularly look after, they should be helping you out too. If you’re a guest at someone’s house and it’s rarely reciprocal, then maybe think about helping your host. Or if it’s for an extended number of days.

When I’m staying with family I’ll always help clear up, offer to wash up - I’ll probably be offering to cook a meal if they’d like. They do the same for us. If it’s an evening thing round at a friends house, whoever is there later in the evening will help gather up glasses, mugs, plates etc and bring it all into the kitchen. It’s just friendly.

Glad you've posted @Talipesmum
I was sounding like a lone voice.

I'm staggered at the ratio of people who all muck in to help each other out, and those who expect to be waited on in the homes of family and friends

Totally. But to be fair, I think the word “etiquette” in the title and the description “dinner guests” steer the discussion more towards the “more formal one off dinner” type situation. But I guess 90% of the times we have “guests” are more regular family and friends, not just standalone dinners. So I wanted to reflect on the difference here.

When I host people, it’s because I want to”wait on them .”

I pride myself on my competence as a hostess, and enjoy seeing people relax. Don’t need anyone “mucking.”

The way to express appreciation is to issue a reciprocal invitation, not try to push into the kitchen to load one’s host’s dishwasher.

This is exactly the way I see it, I love being the host and that means doing everything. I was discussing this with a Greek friend and she said in her language they have a saying "the guest shouldn't know where the kitchen is" wrt hosting.

Is this the same for you whether it’s a single dinner with friends, or hosting a family group for a week?

There's a big difference between dinner party, lunch guests and hosting a big family Christmas or celebration get together. I'd never expect dinner guests and friends to help but where a big group or celebration is being held at one person's house, it wouldn't be unreasonable to expect people to chip in with the clearing up.

I wouldn't let guests wash up either, or even load the dishwasher (they'd probably do it wrong anyway).

But I usually offer them the Dyson to quickly whizz round the table (it's cordless so should only takes five minutes) and a damp cloth to wipe down the window frames.

For a formal dinner I wouldn't actually even offer as a guest! It just feels a bit like going to bed together or something in that circumstance - sort of too much of a contrast with the feel of the meal. It's a bit like going backstage after the theatre.

But if it was more informal eg with children present, close family friends etc I would usually offer, and possibly accept if offered in the same circumstances, depending on what there was to be done etc. I have often accepted help bringing things in from the garden if eating outside.

I always offer after my children have been guests at a children's party but that's because no-one should have to clean up alone after the sorts of guests who squirt ketchup, drop cake crumbs and scatter the wrappers of their party bag sweets to the four winds.

Maybe if I had a rule of thumb, it might be if the hosting involved having guests in the kitchen (such as a kitchen supper, or children going in and out for drinks etc) then I'd offer. If it was more of a dining room type affair I wouldn't.