Would you respond to these messages?

[Glube]

I have an ex colleague constantly messaging me, I don’t want to remain friends. She gossips about me to others, made light of difficult things I went through & poor health, & constantly oversteps. Eg wanting to know how relatives died when I had a bereavement; wanting to know how much I’m getting paid and how I’m affording finances etc.

She isn’t pleasant to spend time with, I find myself feeling uncomfortable and anticipating her asking intrusive questions. I also don’t feel she takes an interest in me as opposed to what I can do for her if that makes sense.

the last time I saw her, she was in a mood all night and was constantly snapping at me. I offered to drive her home after the event, but she said she’ll get the train and made a big deal about how unsafe getting the train at night is and how late she will be getting home and say it’s my fault if anything happens to her. Again she refused the offer of a lift home, and I even offered to pay for a taxi which she rejected. It felt like drama over nothing and like I was being guilt-tripped in case anything happened to her.

I started ignoring her text messages, but now she’s playing this rhetoric of wanting to know if I’m “safe” and has been messaging me weekly asking if I’m okay. How would you approach this?

Block. You don't have to reply to anyone.

Block and delete.
You have agency here and you don't have to put up with this.

I'd block her. You don't owe her anything.

Agreed, just block.

Block and forgot about her

If you block her is she likely to turn up at your door? Possibly its just me but i would message her and say that now you are no longer working together you don't feel there is any need to maintain any sort of relationship with her as it;s making you feel very uncomfortable. Then block and delete.

There doesn't sound like any reasons to stay in touch.

This is what I was wondering. I was thinking she might contact a friend or god forbid the police for a welfare check! Only because of her wording of wanting to know if I’m “safe”. It’s weird - why wouldn’t I be safe?

How would you approach this?

Like an adult.

Tell her you no longer want to be friends and list the reasons you've listed in your OP.

Then block her if she doesn't get the message.

You're helping to drag out the drama if you don't send a quick reply before blocking her.

A reply of what? “I’m safe but don’t want to continue this friendship”

I have someone like this in this in my life, also
an ex colleague with no filter and no respect for boundaries, only contacts me when she wants something from me or to gossip.
I just use the ‘grey rock’ technique or ignore the contact.
She brings absolutely nothing to my life so I don’t want to engage.
You owe this person nothing OP.

Yes.

And as I said earlier, list a couple of reasons from your OP.

Then block her.

awful isn’t it

no respect for boundaries is a great way to put it, it’s like she has no idea what social norms are and why having no filter is offensive

Alright, I responded. I didn’t say anything offensive but made it clear that I don’t have the capacity for this & wont be responding. I took the coward’s way out & blamed it on being busy. But only because I don’t want any drama especially as we have mutual friends.

Did she read it?

Just send a text saying you're fine but busy and don't have time to stay in touch so you're not reading messages at the moment. Then block.
And I see that while I was typing and getting distracted, you've done that. Excellent.

i thought you meant a colleague. An ex colleague? There's literally no problem. Just block her and don't speak with her again.

Actually, she already responded(!) saying she accepts that and ended with get in touch with her if I need anything.

I won’t be doing that obviously, but I feel okay with the exchange. It hasn’t been left on a bad note and gives me the opportunity to naturally fade out. I say that because I do plan on maintaining friendships with mutual friends but not her specifically.

The only thing complicating that is we have mutual friends that we met from that job.

She sounds awful but I wouldn’t ghost. I’d quite calmly and politely tell her the friendship isn’t working for you anymore so you’re calling it a day, wish her the best and leave it at that. You don’t have to reply or get into a discussion about it after that.

I think ghosting people like this leaves the door open for more communication, intrusion and whatnot so I’d prefer to make it crystal clear then stop contact.

@doeadeer2 I agree but I’m also not great with conflict. I am busy with a new job alongside studying my masters, family, potentially moving house in the new year etc. So I just leant into that. It’s totally a time where I would naturally lose contact anyway as I move into the new chapter, so I didn’t feel the need to say the friendship isn’t working for me. As we have mutual friends who I would like to remain in contact with, I didn’t want her to have the opportunity to say I’m singling her out or whatever.

Totally get that. It’s a tricky situation to be in. But if you’re not going to spell it out then I think you have to prepare yourself for more messages and contact. She doesn’t sound like the type who will take a hint.

As an update to this:

she messaged again with something like “I know you’re not going to respond but I’m thinking about you”. I ignored.

I usually drive everywhere but I’ve caught the train home twice recently, on both occasions she’s been at the same spot near my home station and has accosted me for a chat following her message. As far as I’m aware, there’s no reason for her to be in the vicinity of my home station so I find it bizarre that we randomly bumped into each other after years of me living here and never seeing her. On both occasions I didn’t engage with her, merely said “oh hello” the first time out of surprise but didn’t stop.

I have blocked her now, there doesn’t seem to be any point sending her a message explaining as she clearly doesn’t understand boundaries.

I would say.. seeing as we no longer work together it seems a bit pointless maintaining a relationship and after last time over the lifts etc you feel your friendship has gone. Wish her well for the future