DC fighting, I'm absolutely done in.

[Bluebluetuesday]

Honestly I feel like just walking out.

Two dc, 6 and 9. Both a pleasure to spend time with one on one. But when they are together the fighting is constant.

They'll fight over what to watch on tv, where to sit at the dining table, where to sit in the car, who is allowed to look out of a particular window, who is using too much air when they breath. Sometimes one will whack the other and a physical fight starts.

They have everything they possibly need. A lovely school, friends, a comfortable home, 2 parents who want the best for them, a lovely extended family, honestly they are completely u aware of how lucky they are.

They very occasionally play nicely together and it's so lovely, but 90% of the time they are at war.

We try to divide and conquer as much as possible, taking them to their clubs, to see friends etc, but it's so frustrating that we can't even have a morning pottering about at home without WW3 breaking out.

Any advice for a woman on the edge?

What's the consequence when they do this?

They'll fight over what to watch on TV - then the TV goes off and they leave the room

where to sit at the dining table - everyone is allocated a spot. No more arguing permitted. If it continues, they leave the room

Where to sit in the car - everyone is allocated a spot. No more arguing permitted. It it continues, they don't get to go to the place or if they have to (like school), consequences around screens or similar. No child gets to sit in the front seat only their allocated spot.

who is allowed to look out of a particular window - both leave the room.

who is using too much air when they breath - yeah, that's siblings 😂😂

Sometimes one will whack the other and a physical fight starts - siblings, it will happen but there needs to be immediate consequences for the attacker. If no one admits to starting it, consequences are the same for them both.

How much time is actually spent just 'living' at home? If they usually rely on you to provide the activities - ie being out the house - what measure do they take to do stuff at home? My friends 2 dc were like yours. Exhausting just visiting..

You are not alone although mine are 12 and 4... they shout at each other all the time and its exhausting. ( they are both autistic too)

I could have written this! It’s exhausting! God only knows what the neighbours think of us!

Kids just about the same age and we have gone through this and feel it is starting to get better. Ie I feel now we have a relatively ‘normal’ level of sibling disharmony but for a few years I really worried that they seemed to hate one another. Well big one hated wee one and wee one retaliated to that.

Im not sure if it’s just age and the big one maturing to realise wee one is just wee and can’t do everything she expects her to be able to do or think. And wee one maturing to realise if I keep acting in xyz annoying way, sis will get annoyed with me and I don’t like that.

If we’ve done anything that helps, it’s probably having a zero tolerance for speaking to one another rudely, they will be expected to rephrase whatever they have said. Allowing big one space to express her frustrations to us without shutting it down - on the proviso that she doesn’t say it in front of her sister. Giving both plenty one to one time and being as fair as possible. I also notice that they get on wayyy better when we are doing an interesting activity as a family, like travelling etc, and also in a gang of kids.

I do impose consequences, they fight over the TV, it goes off. They fight over who is stirring the cake, they aren't allowed to help and I'll do it myself, etc

If they won't stop quarelling or they get physical they go their rooms. If they fight a lot they don't go to the sweet shop after school on Friday.

I'm not a lazy parent, I'm putting the work in, but they just can't seem to help themselves in the moment.

Oh god I remember this those days. Time out was always good. Rejoin when they behave. But sometimes mind did it for a reaction. Have you tried ignoring it to a point. If your sort every fight, they will never learn. As far as table, and car seats. Everyone gets assigned a seat and that's it! Good luck. My kids get on great as grown ups

I might be more attuned to it because I have one child, but I feel like most sibling pairs I know are like this, when I spend time with friends’ kids or family, they always seem to be constantly squabbling and fighting. Tends to be not quite as bad for the 3+ child families, it’s the pairs specifically.

Do they each have their own room? If it’s mainly a problem at home, I would talk to your DH (if you have one) and agree to try a week of absolutely consistent ‘one warning, then straight to your room’ for any bickering. No warning, just straight to their room for anything physical.

It will get worse before it gets better, but if they’re doing it for a reaction or through boredom, then being alone in their room removes that. If it’s through overstimulation or overwhelming emotion, it helps them to associate that feeling with going to calm down in their room rather than lashing out.

You will need to be utterly consistent and not get drawn into any arguments or bargaining, or give up because it’s the 20th time that day, though. Which is hard.

Consequences every single time - sending them to their room for a 10 minute time out first time, 20 minutes the next time etc. Don't shout, show anger, raise your voice - just calmly remove them. It will take time but it will sink in eventually. Repetition and consistency is key - both you and DH need to be on the same page so there's no playing one parent off against the other.

No constructive advice but some solidarity. Mine are twins, 5 years old and the fighting all day every day drives me genuinely insane.
Like you I have consequences and stick to them but it doesn't make a difference.
It's so draining constantly being referee and waiting for the next fight to start.

Maybe point out if they can't behave at home you obviously can't take them anywhere. And mean it. Miss a few planned things. Remind them why.

Fight over the TV, turn it off.
Fight over where to sit at the table, they sit on the floor.
Fight over where they sit in the car, they walk.
Physical fighting, time out without any entertainment.
You reap what you sow. As a parent you create your own rules and boundaries in your own home, if they dont stick to them what are the consequences? If your current consequences aren't working you need to change them. When we used to bicker as children my dad used to tell us to pick the consequences for each other. We were so worried what the other sibling might choose that we rarely did it!

Id advise discipline them
Don't put up with their behaviour give them consequences as they clearly don't have any and take no responsibility for their actions

At 9 the eldest one should know better and knows not to physically attack or retaliate to their sibling

Oh dear that sounds a bit like me and my brother. His biting stage was fun. We used to have two Argos catalogs in the house to stop that argument. Dad once got his tv from the 70s off the top of the wardrobe so I could watch a different channel. We were of course perfect angels when out in public. I think we largely grew out of it by the time I was 10.

Sounds like what they are missing is direction. You choose the space they occupy right now. You choose the tv program

set consequence for physical violence.

stop being soft.

What happens if you let them sort out their disagreements, short of violence, themselves?

Big family growing up. I fought with my sisters over clothes/ makeup up/ games/ bedroom..you name it.
Now we are all grown up and genuinely best friends. So supportive and loyal. We laugh about the fighting now.
When my mum was ill for 5 years before she died we all nursed her in turn week in week out and never a cross word between us.
Sometimes just ignore it unless one is always putting the other down. They may be doing it to get your attention ..plenty of praise when they play nicely. This will pass and doesn't mean you're a bad mother. Also often means they wont be bullied by others as well used to fighting their corner.

If it’s any comfort, mine were terrible. But now, as a teenage girl and a low 20s boy, the are absolutely hand in glove

When Dc fought, I immediately put them in separate rooms. If they fought over what to watch on TV, one went to his bedroom, the other into the kitchen with me. No discussion. No TV. If they fought over a toy, the toy was removed and they were sent to separate parts of the house or given boring jobs to do. If they fought in the car, I parked silently and said nothing at all until they asked what was up. I said: Have you stopped fighting? They nearly always said yes. If they started again, I parked again.

After this happened a couple of times I heard them whispering: 'Don't fight or she will stop us from playing/watching TV' and they started negotiating with each other.

You have to do zero tolerance.

I remember my two fighting endlessly in the car on the way home from somewhere, I pulled into a dark lay-by after asking them to stop a number of times and then calmly told them both to get out and walk. ‘Just follow the road’ I said ‘it’s only a few miles’ they were silent in fear of getting out of the car in the dark and were silent for the rest of the car journey. They still talk about it now, that night I nearly kicked them out of the car!

My younger 2 were like this. It was constant, whereas my older 2 was just normal squabbles. Now they are young adults, 24 and 19, they are really close and so kind and helpful to each other. So hopefully things will work out in the end. They started to change when the youngest, who is also ND, started high school, so think they just matured.

BTW mine were boys.

Mine are a bit older now than this so getting better but 100% agree with those saying allocate (seats, roles, tasks, etc) and stick to it and separate ad infinitum when needed

Has completely driven me up the wall in the past but it does get better and if you stick to it it’s all good … just breathe a lot in the moment !