Feeling sorry for myself

[guestofclanmackenzie]

Sitting here with a cuppa feeling low.
Apart from two girlfriends I went to school with who live at the other end of the country from me, I literally have no true friends. I moved around the country a lot with my parents in my teens, and emigrated to the other side of the world and came back in my 30s, so its been difficult to remain in touch and preserve the friendships I had.
Then, five years ago, my son took his life two weeks before Xmas. As a result, the few friends I had, left in droves. I retreated too as I couldn't bear to be around anyone or do anything socially. I heard from a third party that people are "walking on eggshells around me" even though I have never wallowed in grief. I work from home self employed so dont have any work based friendships or social events with work.
I joined a women's only local friendship group, but didn't attend many events, as a few weeks after joining, my Mum, who had been my rock, passed away suddenly in her sleep, so as you can imagine, meeting up with strangers and trying to socialise was at the bottom of my priority list.
This was back in April. I've just looked for the group to see if I could dip my toe back in, and I've seen I have been removed from the group without prior warning. No doubt because I only attended one event.
I'm lucky as I'm happily married so thank god for my DH but I guess Im just feel a bit lonely and I long for a good old group of girlfriends the same age as me.

Sorry not sure there is a purpose to this post. Please be gentle if you reply.

I’m sorry, you’ve had a lot to deal with 💐
Yes they probably removed you because you weren’t active, so that’s easily dealt with. Would you see if there’s anything at your local church? I find they deal with people who’ve had a hard time much better. Perhaps a ladies coffee morning? You don’t have to go for religion, they do company too.
There are/have been many threads from people asking the same as you, and the replies seem to show that lots of us are without real friends. I know my mum had lots of true friends, but I’ve never managed it, I don’t think I tolerate people’s crap very well!
Keep going, I’m sure you’ll find people happy to have some company, and if you don’t, why not start a group yourself.

I'm really sorry for everything you've been through, it is a lot. I do think a lot of people maintain friendships for their own gain. Once you no longer fit their ideal, they're no longer interested. They have to provide support and a lot of people are selfish and aren't willing to do that. They will take, but not give back. I've probably been unlucky myself but I genuinely believe real true friendships are hard to find.

This sucks. Whereabouts in the country are you (roughly) and what age?

I suffer from multiple health problems and am also autistic. Retired through ill health and spend hours daily alone. No friends I can call on, invite for coffee, etc....it's sad and an extremely long day. X

I know how you feel, from one vilomah to another, it is like you become a leper when your child dies and everyone avoids you, making you feel even more alone, it happened to me too, when I questioned friends and family they said they didn't know what to say to me so just avoided me, or didn't want to upset me by talking about her. What they do not understand is that you WANT to talk about them to keep their memory alive. I am in same boat as you feel isolated and alone, my mum also just died a couple of months ago, my dad died a couple of months after my daughter. It is hard to get back up after being trodden down so much but find things you enjoy, I like swimming and cinema, that got my spark back a bit. I think I was radiating sadness and people could sense it,also I self referred to my NHS talking therapies for support. I hope you find what you are looking for, and get some fun again soon xxx

Oh, OP, you've been through so much, it's no surprise that socialising hasn't been a priority.

Can you get back in contact with the group that removed you? I'm sure there was nothing ill intended in their removing you, they probably just assumed you were no longer interested. Maybe try a local group on MeetUp or see whether there is anything ging on on your local Facebook page. Volunteering could be another option, perhaps? There might be a few opportunities to get involved at this time of year.

Bless you ! Sending you a huge cuddle 🥰 where abouts in the uk are you x

I am so so sorry about your son. I cannot begin to imagine the pain. There will be some people out there for you I know it. Can you look into wi/volunteering/a sport/gym classes/crafting/knitting/walking groups? Good luck and hope things improve soon.

Sorry op i meant to say sorry for the loss of your mum also. I lost mine about 5 years ago when i was in my mid 30s with 2 small children and its completely devastated me.

Could you contact the organiser of the group? If you explain that something happened (you don't have to go into loads of detail) that prevented you from returning before, I'm sure they would understand.

Im so sorry about your son and mum

I suggest you consider joining Rock Choir or a Daytime singers group locally. I retired a couple of years ago and felt the lack of routine & purpose, so I joined Rock Choir.
The thing I like is that you can go if you want or miss it if you’re not well or don’t feel like it, so it’s not a huge commitment. No need to read music either but the singing is great - good for the lungs and the spirit. The group is also very welcoming and has a wide age range. Good luck to you.

That’s a lot, I’m really sorry you’ve been through so much. You can still form meaningful friendships. Try out some hobby groups, crochet or craft based ones are good for getting to know people in an informal setting.

Just saw this on the opening feed when opened the app and wanted to say. Sending you positive thoughts, as so many of us feel like this in different ways. It’s hard as women as we get older to form friendships especially in this day and age. Was so glad to read later you have your DH.

Life throws some pretty shitty curve balls in different ways. I’m so sorry for your loss.

You can feel sorry for yourself all you need.
Like another poster said don’t take it to heart or personal you were removed from the local Meetup group thing. They sometimes get charged more on the platform the more members that are on there. And so periodically have a setting or have to remove inactive members. Maybe like another poster said, contact the admin of it or organiser and ask to re join etc. Do you have any time for voluntary work?
im not sure what age bracket you are but there’s some lovely ladies that volunteer at my friends LO’s local church playgroup. I don’t even think some of them are religious as such. My friend that takes LO there isn’t. But it’s a great informal big layout of refreshments and cakes, different things going on. People take part in different things or just sit and chat or enjoy the atmosphere and help out a bit. My friend said the joy it brings the older ones who volunteer is so lovely and the joy they bring some of the kids. It’s beautiful. Or there’s lots of other hobby Assosiated meet-ups usually set up on these Meetup style platforms online in local areas. Do get yourself out there. You don’t have to get stuck in. Just that step of going once to tick that box you’ve done that is one step forward. Not sure what appeals to you. But walking groups, low key sport related ones, hobby related ones, book clubs, crafting based ones, language swap ones. There will be so much out there it’s just making the first step of going once and feeling out the situation and seeing if it’s for you. There’s a whole world of others looking to meet like minded people in the same situation. We sometimes hold ourselves back.

I don’t want to overstep mentioning that there could be, I’m sure also groups, for those bereaved from similar experiences like you. Just looking for a safe space to socialise and just ‘be’. If that makes sense. I heard of a friends mother going to one of these in the past. And they organised different events and meet-ups for different things. It wasn’t solely on the basis of sharing on their bereavements.

wishing you all the best

Gosh you've had a lot to deal with. It's not easy to maintain friendships at the best of times. I would suggest try a hobby. I've done jewellery making, dancing and music. Also could you volunteer?

Join a book club, you may need to try a few until you feel one that is a good fit. Crochet/knit club. Or maybe some voluntary work

I’m so sorry for your losses and your grieving. Of course you don’t feel up for being fun and sociable, but you still need human connection. Have you thought about attending a group session for people grieving? I think some funeral homes and cemetery host grief cafes. That’s what I’d do in your shoes to fund similar people to connect with who will understand you. I’m so glad you have a lovely husband xxxx

Rejoin the group I'm sure they will be happy to welcome you back they probably removed you as they like to keep the group to active members to stop snooping etc

Join other groups, volunteer perhaps with guides or scouts or join a choir I made some fantastic friends in my rock choir
I attend stitch and bitch craft groups too and a painting group again where friendships are made

I'm so sorry to hear about your son and your mum I hope you find the support you need processing both losses

I'm so sorry about your daughter. I can relate to everything you have written. How long has it been since she passed?

Yes we absolutely still want to talk about them.. it keeps their memory alive. But no one else seems to.
I met up for a coffee with the one acquaintance I have left the other day and sat there hearing about all the social events she's been to. A group of women went on a Theatre trip. Before my son passed, I would have been included in that circle of friends. I made a quip about my invite must have been lost in the post and she just squirmed and muttered something about 'we didnt think you were up to it' I said surely its better to invite a person who can then decline rather than overlook full stop?

Sorry I laughed out loud at the 'stitch and bitch' group! 😆

Thank you so much for your lovely reply. Im a young at heart 53 Yr old ..in answer to your question. Ive sent a request to rejoin the group.

Im going to see if there is a rock choir in my area. I cant sing for toffee but I like the idea of belting out a rock tune! I bet its good for a serotonin hit too.

Im in the NW England and I'm 53.

Im so sorry to hear that 😔

I’m sorry for your losses, OP, but I think you’re being unreasonable about the theatre trip. If you haven’t spent any time socialising with this group in the five years since your son died, then you’re not going to be on anyone’s mind to invite, realistically, and making passive-aggressive quips about your invitation being lost in the post is only going to make the one woman you still see feel uncomfortable and attacked. If you want to be actively involved in this group again, you need to signal this clearly and without reproach. Suggest something. If you resent the way they behaved after your son’s death, then you presumably don’t want to see them socially.

And just rejoin the women-only friendship group. As you say yourself, they would only have removed you as an inactive member. I think the idea of seeing if there’s a group locally for bereaved people or those who have lost someone to suicide is a good idea. There’s a real comfort in being around people who get it, and around whom you can be open about how hard it is.