Feeling sad after parents evening

[Haveyou3]

Hi everyone. I have a 4yo DS who’s in mainstream reception. Although not diagnosed yet, we’re waiting for an autism and adhd assessment. He is non verbal, struggles with communication, has high sensory needs and learning difficulties.

I had a meeting with the LA before school applications opened and they told me they didn’t think his needs were high enough for a specialist school.

Communication with the school has been pretty rubbish but I presume they were waiting for parents evening last night.

The teacher basically told me that he needs to be in a specialist school. She said he is really struggling and it’s not the right place for him. She said the LA have let me and DS down as they haven’t even funded enough for a 1:1, she said he actually needs 2:1. She said his development is that of a 1.5 year old and that he would really benefit having teachers/staff who are SEN qualified.

She said she is going to get in touch with the LA for an ehcp emergency meeting and that I should think about looking around specialist schools.

I think I knew this would eventually come, but it still doesn’t make it easier when it happens. I am not disagreeing with her by the way, I want what’s best for DS.

Has anybody else been in this situation and can offer some advice? Thanks

Lots of hugs. I think that is actually a great outcome, if the school is behind a change than you will have someone who has more power to push through than being alone.

A family with their second child in DD's infant school had to battle to get their highly autistic/ADHD child into a specialised school and because the Senco in thei infant school pushed all her power behind it as well, they managed to get him into the right envrionment.

Do you have any ASD charity nearby? They often have plenty of advice, incl. legal knowledge, what to ask and how to ask to get things approved in the panels.

I’d say that it’s a positive thing that the school are saying he needs a specialist setting when he’s only I've worked with SEN children in mainstream school and it’s heartbreaking how long it takes sometimes to jump through all the hoops to get support.
There was one child that sounds similar to yours but he was becoming more and more aggressive too and he didn’t get a specialist school until the beginning of year 2! It’s not fair on the child, the other children in the class, or the teaching and school staff.
So I’d say, embrace it and hopefully your son will be one of the lucky ones.
Oh and he should at the very least have 1:1. The teacher is right, the LA have let you and your son down hugely.

Hopefully the fact that the school are saying they can't help him gives you a better chance of the la doing something. I fear I'm going to be in exactly the same boat with my 3.2 year old. Still non verbal, many sensory and food issues. On the pathway for assessment. Thankfully my childminder is very clued up and is starting an application for an ehcp. I really hope you get the support you need

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. Sounds like you, your son and the school have been badly let down.
It’s disappointing that school waited until parents evening to share the news about how things are going. If they had spoken to you I’m sure they would have learned valuable information about your son.
Have they had a specialist advisory teacher in to observe and give strategies?
The environment will no doubt be unsuitable for your son and probably, even with the right strategies in place, he may be facing sensory overload.
You shouldn’t have to fight to get the right support for your son but sadly parents do and it seems to be getting worse.
Have you been in touch with your local SEN parent support service? Look on the LA Local Offer.
I really hope you can secure a special school place where he can settle and reach his potential.
Has he had an OT sensory assessment? ( not all OTs are qualified) to look at SPD.
Look at the book The Out of Synch Child has Fun. This will give some activities you can do at home and school could use some. Ask school to look at Attention Autism for activities.
Good luck.

I can absolutely understand why you feel sad and shocked, but I think in time you’ll come to see it as a positive moment in setting things in train for getting your child the support he needs. The emergency meeting might kickstart things. Very best wishes.

So sorry OP. My youngest is 5, in year 1 and it’s been a battle for him to adjust from reception. He’s also non verbal, though highly intelligent and can read, spell, do sums etc but doesn’t communicate effectively with language and won’t answer questions for example. He also won’t sit still for long so is challenging in a classroom setting. He very much likes to do things on his own terms.

Reception is the easiest stage in terms of the freedom they have to float around and explore. Once it gets to year 1, the play seems to mostly end and they’re expected to sit behind a desk writing. DS hasn’t adjusted to this whatsoever and same as you, I get really despondent when I get reports home from SENCO with targets the same as last year like he’s made zero progress, despite us seeing a fair amount of progress at home.

Getting a place at a specialist school isn’t easy. It does sound as though your DS needs it and the sooner the better probably because, as I say, expectations hugely shift in year 1. I hope you get one, I just know places are sadly few and far between. It’s hard, go easy on yourself and know you’re not alone in fighting this battle!

Thanks everyone. I’ve heard horror stories where schools haven’t been supportive so it’s good to know that his school are on our side.

It’s just a lot to take in I think, so many obstacles and obviously the lack of communication doesn’t help. For those asking, the only people involved with us are speech and language who came to see him in school 2 weeks ago. I received a copy of the report and it said that their investigations weren’t able to be carried out due to difficulties.

The teacher (who is also the senco) said as soon as he gets in the classroom he strips off and walks around in his nappy all day and has meltdowns if they try and dress him. He doesn’t attend assemblies and has to have his lunch in the classroom as the dinner hall is just too much for him and he tries to escape out of the fire exit several times a day.

I didn’t know any of this until last night and I feel awful😞

Although it’s good the school agree he needs a specialist placement and will support you with that, I think it’s fairly shocking that they haven’t told you the extent of what is happening in the classroom. The assembly and dining hall don't sound too bad, but stripping down to his nappy all day surly should have been highlighted to you before parents evening? Are they able to change his nappy at school?

I wasn’t really too surprised about the dinner hall situation but yeah the nappy thing I’d have like to have known much sooner.

The teaching assistant changes his nappy. They have been working on trying to toilet train him (as I have at home) but they said they aren’t getting anywhere with it which neither am I to be honest despite trying for ages and doing all I can

It's good that you do now know but really, this was not something that should have been left until parents' evening!! Jeez.

Will the speech and language person return?

I agree with all of this.

Every 3 months

My son has always been in a special school since reception he's in year 11 now
Rather than focus on what they cant do they focus on what he can do
Nobody really wants their child to go to a special school but ime ,its been the best thing for my son he's part of his own community and parents evrning are always a pleasure as they are really positive about my sons achievement, s however small they may seem to others.

He probably isn't ready my son was toilet trained at 9 and it took a huge amount of work with the disability team ,school and me.

Yeah I don’t think he’s ready either

Oh that's awful your poor son ,whilst he may not have awareness, i can understand as a parent how you must feel honestly if he gets a place in special school similar to one, s my son has attended, things will be so much better,staff are trained to deal with the behaviour, and it won't be a shock to them .

The teacher actually said to me she doesn’t know how I cope. That was a bit bitter sweet as it was nice to hear that somebody understands my struggles but also stung a bit as she must really be struggling herself with him.

She said she’s been a teacher for 20 years and has taught many SEN children but she’s never known a child in a mainstream who needs a specialist school as much as DS.

It was a very emotional night last night for me but I’m glad that DS is being supported and hopefully he will get the help and support he needs and deserves

As hard as it is at least they are saying they csnt meet his needs lots of schools dont
His behaviour will seem extreme to them as its mainstream
But in a special school they will be used to it.

Well its a massive failure in communication from the school that this has all come as a surprise as that should never have happened on parents evening. You should have been called by school way sooner to discuss behaviours like this, nothing said on parents evening in a 10 minute slot should be coming as a massive surprise.

@Haveyou3
Thats not good at all for SALT to just say they couldn’t assess him. Did they observe or just try a formal assessment. He needs a specialist therapist.
Have they suggested or provided any communication support? They could have advised school on whether he needs objects of reference, photo symbols, symbols etc. Have they not offered Signalong or Makaton training?
I’m even more surprised school haven’t contacted you sooner as his teacher is the SENCO.

SALT observed him.

He has photo symbols but she said even that isn’t working out very well and he’s quite inconsistent with them. He will just walk away if they try. She said he tends to just do his own thing and likes to be left alone. They have a little sensory room in the classroom and he spends a lot of time in there on his own. I’ve not heard anything about singalong or makaton training.

I feel like I’m really letting him down. But it’s a case of just not knowing where to start or what to do with the communication being so poor😞

Look up applied behaviour analysis providers locally. There are skills he needs to learn before school is a useful place to be. State Special schools are full to brim and short of staff and money and in my experience don’t have a great track record getting kids from non verbal to verbal and sorting out toileting and behaviour difficulties compared to ABA.

Don’t believe all the negative stuff about ABA online it’s been life changing for DS. 1:1 ABA is 100% what I would recommend for a non verbal 4 year old. Go and visit some providers / families using it and look for yourself / do your own research. I won’t lie it’s a big commitment from parents to support learning but it also solves a lot of problems at home so makes life easier in long run and they gave me hope when everyone else was being negative about ds future - and it wasn’t false hope. DS was the same as your child at 4 and he is happy calm autistic teen now with lots of skills i didn’t think possible.

Your child is also only 4 and legally does not need to be in school (unless you need him to be for work) until the term after he is 5. Was he in nursery before? Could he go back? That would give you time to sort a better solution.

Also make sure you are getting maximum DLA and help from social care as you can use this to buy in private therapy which in my experience what made the biggest difference.

You could look at doing courses yourself eg ChildAutism UK or PECS picture exchange.

As you are finding school staff and speech therapists are not trained in how to motivate an autistic child to pay attention. So you can be signing at him all day long or give him symbols it won’t make any difference if he’s not paying attention and staff don’t know how to get and keep his attention or he doesn’t understand what communication is for. He can probably only manage to pay attention fleetingly (that will improve with intervention). Find an expert in autism in early years - they can train you and then you will see results. It doesn’t have to be hugely expensive as once you know what to do you and nursery staff can implement strategies outside of time you are paying for. He needs short bursts 1:1 with trained people throughout the day to progress not left to his own devices.

Plenty of children do ABA parttime alongside parttime school or go to ABA schools/ nurseries.

In other countries specialist intervention like ABA would have been offered at age 2 when started to miss milestones. What you are being offered is totally inadequate.

To make my day even better, I just got a call from the teacher saying that she forgot to mention last night that DS won’t be joining in the nativity. She asked me if I still wanted to buy tickets but I don’t really see the point. It’ll only upset me. Again, I expected it but it still hurts😞

Hats off to anybody that has dealt with similar situations because right now my heart is breaking😞💔

@Haveyou3 I’ve sent you a PM and a virtual hug.

Thats terrible and not inclusive
And it happened when my son was in mainstream nursery they didn't allow him to be the nativity either.
On the other hand every performance I have ever been at my sons special school has been hilarious, the kids really enjoy it some use sign ,so use Acc communication some use large PECS symbols to communicate the performance
If a child gets upset the teachers quietly remove the child until theu calm down.