Feeling sad after parents evening

[Haveyou3]

Hi everyone. I have a 4yo DS who’s in mainstream reception. Although not diagnosed yet, we’re waiting for an autism and adhd assessment. He is non verbal, struggles with communication, has high sensory needs and learning difficulties.

I had a meeting with the LA before school applications opened and they told me they didn’t think his needs were high enough for a specialist school.

Communication with the school has been pretty rubbish but I presume they were waiting for parents evening last night.

The teacher basically told me that he needs to be in a specialist school. She said he is really struggling and it’s not the right place for him. She said the LA have let me and DS down as they haven’t even funded enough for a 1:1, she said he actually needs 2:1. She said his development is that of a 1.5 year old and that he would really benefit having teachers/staff who are SEN qualified.

She said she is going to get in touch with the LA for an ehcp emergency meeting and that I should think about looking around specialist schools.

I think I knew this would eventually come, but it still doesn’t make it easier when it happens. I am not disagreeing with her by the way, I want what’s best for DS.

Has anybody else been in this situation and can offer some advice? Thanks

I know this is hard, the bots in my family all struggle with additional needs. But you do not need to wait to apply for your own EHCP with a view to getting a special school place. It’s a very long very hard pathway and I’d be surprised if the school can get it arranged within 18-24 months. You can do it yourself if you have the tenacity. My state did it as the school wanted proof of ieps and this plan and that plan. My sister researched it and took it upon herself and was told repeatedly that she would never manage it. It took 15 months and my beige is now in a specialist unit within a mainstream school. He was also non verbal and needs very close 1/1 to 2/1 depending on the task. It’s the best thing she ever did but it wasn’t easy.

The teacher should have definitely told you before parent’s evening about the stripping off etc and I can’t understand why on earth they didn’t. That’s poor.
With regards to the nativity, my heart goes out to you but your son would have probably been totally overwhelmed by it all and wouldn’t have managed. Like I said earlier, I have worked with a child that sounds very similar to yours.
The sooner your boy is placed in a specialist school the better. They are trained to manage SEN children. I can only speak about my school but our SEN training was practically non existent and like I said earlier, that isn’t fair on your son, the other children in the class (especially as he doesn’t even have a 1:1!), the teachers and TAs and you!

The fact the school are fighting for him to be in the right provision is a win. Usually it's a battle either way. He does need to be somewhere that is right for him and also it's so hard for the teachers to teach children who are massively behind the other kids, especially when he hasn't got the correct 1-1/2-1 provision either. I'm also a sen parent so this isn't me criticizing. I'm just saying all around everyone benefits

It’s not too much help and is a little off piste (didn’t want to give the same thing as others), but I’d recommend getting him on the right to choose route to a dual assessment via your GP asap. The cut off for early years assessment is 5 years and if you want that diagnosis, it’s better to get that sorted sooner rather than later. The waiting list for kids 5+ years is insanely long. My son has been on the Mindmate register and than right to choose since Year 1, he just missed the cut off. We have recently had to go private to make sure his EHCP is in place before we apply for high schools (he needs resource provision). He’s in Year 4 now. It’s a really good sign that the school are taking his needs seriously. It’s a lot to process, but if it helps, there are a lot of people struggling to advocate for the children with SEN. You’re not alone. Reach out to others who are are also SEN parents. They are the most supportive and warm people I know! I hope you get what you need for him.

Big hugs firstly and you are not failing him!

The school is failing you both and it is appalling that there has been no communication until now especially considering he is none verbal.

Does he have an EHCP already?

I am AuDHD, 3 kids who are AuDHD, 1 was none verbal at school, all have/had EHCPs so I am quite knowledgable with the system.

I have never had to hear something significant at parents evening, had communication at the least weekly even if it wasn't something negative.

This is shocking that the first time you have heard this from a professional is at a parents evening when your child is non verbal! Like surely to s*it a doctor/ nursery/ midwife/ HV has noticed this before school! This is a prime example of the failings of our system. I hope you and your child get the help they are entitled to and deserve. You clearly have a long journey ahead of you and need to advocate for your child. Good luck!

the school should not have waited until parents evening to have this conversation. I'm a veteran teacher and a parent. Parent's evening and school reports should not contain any surprises. this conversation should have happened in private not when you have the next parent waiting to come in. Why are they not including him in the nativity? if it will be too overwhelming for him then I've had children sit with their parents in their costume and watch their peers as part of the audience as I've reserved seats at the side so if they need to step out then they can.

You still have a fight on your hands. schools often have their hands tied when applying for EHCP as they need to show they have put support in place and it hasn't worked. except there is no funding to put the support in place and then the LA reject the EHCP. look at applying yourself and getting the school to provide evidence. Not gonna lie - it's exhausting and the system sucks. what will then happen is specialist places will say they can't meet the needs of your child and that they should stay in mainstream!!!

I couldn't read, and scroll by without sending a virtual hand hold. I am also a sen mum with a little boy in reception. He's not coping either, and we are also waiting for a specialist setting. Sending a hug and solidarity from one sen mum to another x

Came to say this. Please follow this advice.

I am heartbroken for you that this came in a parents evening. School should have had this discussion ASAP. I have an SEN child in mainstream with what seems like much lower needs and I was alerted to issues much sooner.

The nativity thing feels not right. My youngest joined using makaton/sigm for infant nativity as his speech was delayed. There was a song the whole class signed. This was a mainstream.

This is a hard slog but I can tell you are an amazing parent.

I believe you do not have to send him and can leave him on roll until a suitable school is found. But you may need to apply for the ehcp yourself. The la should definitely have found him a suitable school. Try contacting sendiass for advice in your area.

I don't mean to upset you op but I'm so surprised he started in mainstream at all from what you describe. Did he go to nursery at all?

The LA have definitely badly let you & him down not recommending special schools from the beginning.

Hope it all works out for your ds and you. Ds was non verbal when he started reception with high sensory needs (he's nd). He did start with an IEP and a 1:1 was already in place. I found the NHS SALT provision too patchy and inconsistent as they were always short of therapists and sessions would be a small cluster then a long wait for another assessment. A fellow parent introduced me to a private SALT at the end of reception and whilst it was expensive it was the making of ds. We did send him private for secondary and they were excellent at providing strategies when he was feeling over whelmed. Good luck on your journey!

This is so sad for you and your feelings are valid and you’re entitled to them. When I got my son’s autism diagnosis I felt devastated even though I wanted it so can completely relate.

I’m a primary school teacher and a Mum to a SEND child and honestly this is the best thing that could have happened and I’m so glad the teacher is going to fight your corner here. It’s so hard to get teachers to say they can’t meet need usually. Fingers crossed your son gets a special provision place quickly where he can flourish and the parents evenings are amazing going forward ❤️ (I would take the 2:1 comment with a pinch of salt btw, they don’t know how amazing the SEND staff are and in the right environment he won’t be having the same issues that he’s having now I should think).

I wanted my son to go to a resource base in mainstream, but his needs were too high, so he was offered a specialist place and honestly it is the best thing that could have happened.
Someone gave me the great advice that if your child is not happy and regulated at school they can't learn - no matter how much potential they have.
He has a very small class size, with lots of TA's and he is absolutely thriving. The fact that all the staff at the school are there because they are trained and want to work with SEN makes a huge difference. He is able to learn so much because of all the sensory support etc and he is so happy there.
I understand it is a shock, but the school don't sound very good and DS will likely have a much better time in a specialist setting.
Our school has kids who strip off and they don't bat an eyelid, they are trained to work it out and communicate really well.
My son is clever but couldn't cope with a 'traditional' school nativity. I can't wait for the nativity this year, it's always brilliant! They have a makaton choir, there are some kids lying on the floor and others singing randomly, but it is so joyful and everyone is celebrated and you can see how happy and proud the kids are to be a part of it.

Big hugs, I can imagine that being an overwhelming meeting.

I think you will be relieved when he starts his new school, they will have far more fun and engaging rooms for him with gorgeous and stimulating areas. I imagine it is a bit of a shock and will take time to process all what is happening. I really hope you find a beautiful new school where he thrives.

Although I think it's exceptionally poor that you're only finding these things out now, the teacher has helped massively by communicating this in a realistic way.

I just wanted to say how wonderful and brave you are for listening and taking on board what was said. I work in a school, and countless times I've communicated similar things, only to be completely ignored by the parents. It's heartbreaking to see children fall more behind and become increasingly isolated in a system that is not equipped to meet their needs.

Your son is lucky to have you. ❤