Talking at a funeral

[Littletreefrog]

How do you actually talk at a funeral without turning into a gibbering mess? I've got a week to get this sorted and I can't even write the speech let alone say it and that's in my living room by myself!!!

You can’t guarantee how you will feel. I wrote my parent’s eulogy but one of their friends volunteered to read it in case I was too upset. On the day I was annoyed because they messed up the delivery and I wished I’d done it. I read a short poem and had a cousin with me as back up, but they weren’t needed in the end. I was fine. Kind of detached from it really.

Some people think it’s their one chance to do the person proud; others are too upset. There’s no right or wrong. I would practise practise practise and have a back up plan. Good luck x

I'm sorry for your loss.

You can get the celebrant to read it for you, if needed, or ask someone to read it on your behalf.

When I had to talk at a funeral I found just coping with the situation made me a bit shocked and numb, so was able to do it just fine. I'm normally quite phobic about public speaking without adding in the grief, but it was easy. Falling apart only happened in private. You might be surprised.

Memorise it to your fave song. You don’t have to sing it but keeping to a beat may help

I read at a poem at my FiL’s Spanish funeral and UK memorial. Was okay both times till I got to about 2/3 way through (it was Christina Rossetti’s “Let Me Go” so 4, 4-line stanzas.

I spoke at both my parents funerals - dad was first. I actually read out a poem. I thought I’d be ok, until I looked up at the sea of faces then froze for a few seconds. I just looked straight at my DH who was sitting right in front of me, and read the poem. It was very very hard.

My cousin spoke at his dads funeral, he had the “speech “ written down and gave a copy to the minister just in case he couldn’t read it and she was able to to it, however he managed it, he said he just focussed on one person and looked at them while he did it.

I did this a few months ago for a very dear friend. I sent my eulogy to her family to check they were happy with it, and they were. I then practiced it out loud over and over again on my own, sometimes in front of a mirror, making sure I didn’t rush it and ensuring I paused in the right places. Then I practiced it a few times in front of my OH. On the day, my OH was primed to come up and take over if I signalled to him. Right at the end I did signal to him, and he came to the front and took over for the very last part while I went back to the pew (it was eight minutes long and I managed seven minutes and forty five seconds). I am so glad that I was able to do it for my friend and her family - I even got a couple of (intentional) laughs from the people assembled. It was emotionally exhausting.

I read a Christina Rossetti poem at my mother’s funeral. I was ok reading it, ex English teacher, just pretended I was reading it to a room full of students. Used to reading poetry in front of people. I would suggest writing something heartfelt, if you don’t want a poem, and keep it simple. If you’re not up to standing up on the day, that’s fine, the congregation will understand, and I’m sure the minister or someone else will read it on your behalf. Good luck, it isn’t easy. I couldn’t have spoken at my dad’s funeral, it was way too raw x

The vicar at the one we did recently said to type the whole thing up and print it, double spaced, in size 14 font.

That way, if you can't do it, they can do it for you instead.

I would also suggest listening to the music you're planning maybe.

We did all end up just sobbing during this funeral, though got through the eulogy, just about.

Consider taking some handkerchiefs if you'd prefer using those to tissues.

Take one day at a time.

Write you talk and worry about delivering it later. You can always get the minister to read it for you if you break down. But there is nothing to be ashamed about showing emotion.

Sorry for your loss.

Speaking at a funeral is not at all like public speaking that you would do for a job or an organization or any other purpose.
You might be nervous about giving a speech in that situation, but at a funeral, there's so much more going on inside you.
I would say that more than likely you can't be certain how you're going to feel.
Personally, I would welcome grief-shock, the kind that makes you emotionally numb... it's so much easier to get through things but you can't guarantee that you'll have that kind of anesthesiology running through your veins at the time.

If you're worried that the words you're able to write (which is hard enough) you won't be able to say, that's okay.
Although someone else will say the words differently, you can always get someone else to say the words or, possibly, consider turning your speech into something that can be printed... Either as a handout, or onto your favorite photo of the person, or as part of a audio-visual presentation?

I'm sorry that you have to stress about this on top of everything else you must be going through right now. Cut yourself so much slack, you deserve it. Grief is absolutely not predictable.

I wrote out the eulogy for my sister and gave it to the celebrant to read out. I knew I couldn't do it.
I've given hundreds of presentations, used to be a teacher and I've read bible readings / poems at other funerals but there was no way I could do it at my sister's. Please don't feel under any pressure to do it. You're grieving

I agree with writing/ printing out what you want to say clearly and asking someone else beforehand if they will pick it up from you if you need them to on the day.

And then practise reading it out loud to yourself a few times - that's what I did for my late brothers. You'll probably have been given an rough idea of how long they want you to speak for, so this will help you with the timing.

At my boyfriend's funeral, his parents only wanted the minister to read the eulogy, they didn't want anyone else doing any reading or speaking. I was quite upset by that but on the day there were 300 people there and I was a complete wreck, so there is no way I could have read anything. I did say a couple of paragraphs a few weeks later when some friends who couldn't make the funeral met at his grave, and that was hard enough.

So basically yes, what everyone else said. Someone else can read it if necessary.

I'm very sorry for your loss x

Hi Littletreefrog
I'm so sorry that you have lost a loved one. I am a funeral celebrant, and I know how hard this is. The celebrant or minister would be happy to read it on your behalf.
My advice is not to decide whether you're going to read until you're actually there in the moment. This takes the pressure off you, and lessens the feeling that you may not be able to do it justice.
You can ask the celebrant to look at you when they get to that part of the ceremony, and you can indicate to them whether you are going to read it yourself. In my experience, people find it easier to get up and do it without the growing fear of it beforehand.
If you do read it, take your time and don't be afraid to pause to take a breath. Everyone is on your side and if the celebrant needs to take over everyone will understand.
If you decide in the moment that you're not able to read it, that's absolutely fine. They are still your words and feelings x
Whichever decision you make it will be the right one.

I couldn’t have prepared to speak myself, however I have stepped in when my Aunt couldn’t continue at my other Aunts funeral.
my advice is - have a back up, someone you can trust to step in, a friend, family member or the celebrant xxx

Take long deep breaths and go slow. If you need to pause then pause. This helped me.

Having been to quite a few funerals over 55 years, I’m not sure when the need to have a relative read something came in. No relative read anything until my DD read the eulogy at DMs funeral 2 years ago (used to public speaking). At no other family funeral did anyone in the family read anything. They prepared the eulogy for the vicar. A few neighbours’ funerals (village neighbours) did have someone read something but only in the last 15 years. We just seem to put ourselves through the wringer! Most families just asked the vicar to do it. If it’s well written, that’s fine if you don’t feel up to it.

Practice it out loud several times. Take it slowly. I have always found that if I have been asked to read something which might be moving that is doesn't get to me as much on, say, the fifth read-through as it does on the first. As others have said, ask someone else to do it if you really feel you can't.

There are techniques to get through this but first think hard about whether you really want to. It’s the celebrant or minister’s job to conduct the funeral and you only do what you will find helpful. If reading a poem is what you need to do then do that. As the vicar I have read out the families words in the eulogy slot and I’ve made it really clear that they are the families words. Sometimes the family tells me about their loved one and I write it. Other families want to do it themselves and I always say to have it typed in double spacing so that it can be handed over. Eulogies by family members are very recent invention.

The practical stuff. Keep it short. Aim for 100 words a minute in public speaking. Don’t speak for more than 5-7 minutes as this is emotional stuff. Given that you have a maximum of 5-7 minutes do not attempt to give a life history or CV. You are aiming to tell a few stories about why your beloved was special. More stories can be shared at the wake. Do not tell people at the start how hard this is as everyone knows and it puts you into an emotional space that it is hard to shift out of. Breathe. If emotion begins to rise then pause and say the 8 times table or count backwards from 100 in 7s to shift your brain out of the emotional space. Have the eulogy at the start of the service so you are not waiting and worrying about it.

Good luck and sorry for your loss.

It's a good idea to have a designated back-up.

Two points, no-one with a heart will think the worse of you if you do break down, quite the contrary (some of them will start to cry in sympathy).

And if you are managing, but have to pause to collect yourself, what seems to you like a long silence will seem to people listening to you like a tiny, deliberate, pause for reflection.

Sympathy on you loss.

This is great advice.

I did not say anything at either of my parents funerals as I couldnt have done it without breaking down and sobbing so the pastor read it for me. It was the best decision for me because he was wonderful and very experienced at speaking (obvs!) so read it very well. The pressure of everyone looking at me whilst I was reading/crying was just too much for me so this is a very personal decision.

I did this before reading my mum’s eulogy, & it really helped.

Also, this is the most forgiving audience you’ll ever have. Everyone is going to understand if you need to pause, if you’re crying as you read or if the celebrant needs to take over.

I was fine doing a short eulogy for both my parents (this is i Ireland where the funerals were two days after the deaths (different years) so the frozen shock was still there.

But a month after my mother's death the rota meant that I was the scripture reader at Mass, and didn't have the sense to ask for a replacement, and that nearly finished me. Only survived because I noticed that the priest and a friend in a front seat were both on tiptoe ready to dash in and relieve me, and the thought of them knocking heads diverted me.

Have a back up person. I spoke at my dad's funeral but had his best friend as a back up in case I couldn't get through it. Also it was a massive funeral over 400 people so I didnt look up very much and when I did I just looked at the wall at the back of the church and not people.

I am sorry for your loss.