Talking at a funeral

[Littletreefrog]

How do you actually talk at a funeral without turning into a gibbering mess? I've got a week to get this sorted and I can't even write the speech let alone say it and that's in my living room by myself!!!

I’m sorry for your loss. Contrary to other advice here, I didn’t practise at all out loud (although I have a little bit of experience with presentations/ public speaking). I had read and reread my father’s eulogy in my head as I wrote it, but only spoke it once. On the day, wanting to do him proud got me through it and I detached from the meaning of the words as I said them. I was glad I did it - and glad to have DH and the celebrant as back ups if needed.

I read the eulogy for my brother. I practised saying it aloud many times but the only time I was able to get through it without sobbing was at the funeral itself.
I focussed on the back of church, and it was only when I looked at his coffin right at the end that I started to cry.

Remember that the people you are speaking to know how hard it is for you, they will understand if you are visibly upset.

There’s no right or wrong way to do it. My husband wrote a brilliant eulogy for his mum. He’s great public speaker but got the celebrant to read it out. This meant he could listen and appreciate the words about his mum, and had no pressure on such a stressful day.
Wishing you well whatever you do ❤️

Sorry for your loss and handhold - I am doing the same today at my grandma’s funeral. I will be nervous but I’m just trying to read it as it without emotion and leave that for after. I have peppered some happy memories in my speech to hopefully lift my mood I won’t be looking up much or try to be polished. Agree to have a back up if needed, and don’t make it too long. Sending strength - If I can do it, hopefully you can too.

Thank you everyone for your kind words and advice which has been very helpful. I have finally managed to write it and that involved a lot of crying so hopefully I have some of it out of my system. Its difficult as I am a long way away from family so not involved in the organisation so I won't get to ask the vicar before hand if he will read it for me if I can't but I'm hoping he would anyway if the time came.

Is it worth dropping the physically closer family, who are organising, a message and see if they can check? Or will you have anyone coming with you to the funeral to support you who you could plan as a back up option? I think the vicar picking this sort of thing up will be totally normal though, so I wouldn't be concerned.

I did it at my dad's funeral earlier this year. He'd done it for his dad, my Grandad, so I felt that the same needed to be done for him.

I practiced reading it out loud quite a few times. Then when the time came, I think I just looked at my bit of paper, which I know isn't the done thing when public speaking, but as a PP said, it's the most forgiving audience you'll ever have. I actually got through it pretty well until I came to a bit about Dad's best friend since childhood. I did have to take a pause then, but other than that I got through it, and I'm glad I did it.

Sorry for your loss. I read at my dad's funeral but practiced over & over again. It's good to have someone on standby incase you don't feel up to it. I found it very emotional at first but then got into my stride a bit & i think I would have done him proud in the end

This was me earlier this year, and I posted similarly.

In the end, I did my little speech about my mum, and I did cry all the way through it.

But everyone at the funeral was there to pay tribute, and I felt that love for my mum and support for me whilst I was speaking.

It felt as if everyone there were willing me on, and there was applause at the end which was unexpected but heartfelt.

Would I have preferred not to cry in front of everyone..of course. But it wasn't the end of the world, although losing my mum still feels like that every day.

I'm so sorry for your loss xx

You just keep telling yourself you can and will do it.
You keep it simple and short..... don't write out the whole thing, just bullet points.
Look at the very back of the room/church, not at close family members sitting at the front. When I spoke at a funeral, I focused on the funeral director, who was reassuringly neutral.
Have a back up person, just in case - it removes the pressure.

Ever since I watched a friend give a perfect eulogy at her husband's funeral, I knew it is totally possible if you put your mind to it.

Practise your stance and your breathing. Stand with legs hip-width apart and imagine you are a tree, firmly planted in the ground. Take a deep breath before starting. Then focus on slowing down your words and breathing. I did a short eulogy for one of my dearest friends at an hour's notice a few weeks ago - this really helped me do it. People want fond memories so add in a funny story or two - it will release the tension if everyone can laugh and will boost you too, and you then give everyone the chance afterwards to think of their own funny stories and good things that the person did.

@Littletreefrog You might be surprised to know that vicars have emails! Find out who the vicar is! Send your eulogy to them with your request. They often want to see it to ensure it’s not too long! At the crematorium service for DM, there was a massive overrun charge! Hundreds of £ so being on time mattered!

I've spoken 3 times, the celebrant has always asked for a copy of the words in advance so they can step in if you need them. I'd advise not saying too much and rehearsing to yourself so you know which bits are hard to say.

Sorry for your loss