Why are people affected differently to childhood trauma?

[CherryCooler]

Sorry if this is a stupid question but I don't get it.
How come some people have really really horrendous things happen to them as a child and then they grow up into well adjusted confident adults with successful lives. Not saying that the trauma didn't have an affect on them. I'm sure it did.

But then some others who have experienced crap childhoods but not at the same level, end up with mental health issues and worse outcomes.

I get that it would depend on an individual's personality but it can't just be that. What is the major factor that makes the biggest difference in how it will affect you long term?

Because people are different and every traumatic situation is unique. Also, people are likely to be strongly affected one way or the other by the amount of support they receive.

I do think some people simply have more resilient personalities, but whether that's innate, a result of early experience or a mixture of the two is impossible to say.

Regardless, I think we should always strive to support people where they actually are. I do not think that people who struggle with resilience are just not trying hard enough- IME the opposite is the case.

I guess it's like anything else. Some people fall apart over death some don't. Some cope with incredible pressure at work some can't. Some people have that inner strength and high self esteem that makes them rise above things whereas some people are needy by nature and need constant reassurances.

It mostly does just depend on personality.

Don't drink

And definitely don't do any drugs.

It will help. But won't be the answer.

Regarding personality. This is shaped by the environment as well as the person themselves. So it's not just personality.

Hundreds of different factors I think. A relative of mine had his parents murdered in front of him aged seven. He was loved and cared for by them until that day, and by his kind aunt and uncle for the rest of his life. Of course he will never forget what happened but he had such good foundations that he could withstand it and have a happy life. A child who was completely neglected would have a very different outcome

Back in my uni days we were taught that having a protective adult, normally a grandparent, made a huge difference in a person's resilience later in life. No idea of its true, but all the lecturers paddled it as fact.

I have asked myself the same question. I realise as I have got older that people are wired so differently! Some people are deeply affected by what I might consider relatively minor. Turns out I'm very resilient!
I am sure it has to do with how much love from genuine, kind and loving adults is given to the child during the period of the trauma. I dealt with so many things, but my uncles and grandparents were so wonderful that I saw life as a big adventure instead of a difficult unfolding tragedy.
Not to overthink things or over analyse since i am not a medic, but if I know someone has some difficulties, I offer kindness and support, without prying, and let them have a place to be themselves and to relax.

Because people have different personalities,. different communities around them,. different further traumas (or not), and different resources to help them cope?

it just comes down to a mix of genetics, personality, and the support or other people around plus the age of the child and each ‘trauma’ is unique in its own way.
me and my sister both had the ‘same’ upbringing however i was 5 when we went into care whilst she was 2 so she has little memory of it. She obviously rememebers the trauma we went through with our adoptive mother but we both reacted very differently and coped with it in opposite ways. So possibly as i was the older and had tonproect her i learnt to shove my emotions down and just get on with things whilst she falls apart when things get hard.

you other point about people with severe trauma seeming to cope better - young children learn that no-one will come yo comfort them so there is no point in crying. Thats why babies in orphanges dont seem to cry. Other people have bad things happen but they knew if they showed emotion someone in thier life would come and help them.

it is also all relative. Just because someone has a broken leg it doesnt make someone elses spained ankle hurt any less.

I suppose ultimately we all have different personalities. I lost a parent very young...I was incredibly academic but totally gave up and have achieved nothing career wise. It seemed pointless. Conversely a girl I went to school with went through the same thing and had a very successful career and has done very well for herself. It's certainly interesting op

I think what can make a big difference to the ability to cope is a stable loving adult in a child’s life. This can mean even very significant trauma can be coped with, provided the child has consistent care. The most traumatized children often and routinely have adults who don’t care and neglect or abuse them. That is very hard for anyone to cope with.

Also the sad thing is a lot of traumatized people can really only acknowledge it later in life; which accounts sometimes for people looking like they handle it well. In fact a lot of people are very good at hiding trauma for decades.

Why are people affected differently by a hit to the head? Some might not even have a mark on them, some might have scars, some might get a concussion, some might get a brain bleed , some might die.

I think some of it is def down to personality.
Me and my brother are examples. Same not so great childhood. 2.5 years between us, so if that makes a difference I don't know?

He has done/coped much better. He is naturally brainy and very laid back. Did very well at school. Went to Uni and had a doctorate. Could easily earn more but is content and financially ok.

Me on the other hand am a bit of a stresser, suffered anxiety and depression, bullied badly at school and was close to our mother, who had mental health issues. I'm doing somewhat better now but it has def affected my life. Working minimum wage job. We are still close though and my brother is like a rock to me but it def shows how personality plays a role.

I think sometimes we forget thaf we're quite a new species and we're still (other than technology-wise due to our huge brains!) Developing to adapt to an ever changing society. We're also an amalgamation of various species of early man and we're now apparently all the same 'breed' but we're not. We're each made up of products of our parents grandparents great grandparents and our brains including coping mechanisms are hugely affected by what theirs were like.

Transgenerational trauma is also a significant thing. I agree with others regarding having childhoods that were traumatic-having ONE caring supportive adult who believes in you is huge. Even if it is a teacher you see once a week. It helps hugely compared to a child who has nobody on their side.

If we were able to delve deeply into the brains of our ancestors back 2000 years and understand what their development was like, I believe we'd have our answers but we can't thus far.

Trauma is a very funny thing indeed. TW violence.....

My ex assaulted me by strangulation and then picked me up and threw me backwards down a wooden staircase, some years back. Now, while that is not an experience I'd gladly repeat, aside from the physical injuries I am unscathed. I still see my ex and I am not afraid. I am not nervous around flights of stairs. I've never had a flashback of anything to do with it.

Fast forward to 2021 and my partner took me to a football match and treated me appallingly throughout. Ignored me. Bullied me to show off. 'Forgot'me and went to a different venue. Nothing major certainly nowhere near what my ex had done.

Up until recently I could not hear the sound of football on the TV without panic. I couldn't hear anyone talk about it..I even had a reaction while I was out walking the dog and there was a parked car with a football sticker in the back window. Had a couple of night terrors although I cannot be certain they're related, I had certainly never had one before.

Trauma is strange, very strange.⁹

I have heard a few therapists say that the trauma is not the event it's kind of what happens after and your reaction. Which is I suppose what you are saying. And sometimes the big T one off incidents can be not as affecting as the constant small ones.

I am less traumatised day to day by an incident when I was 11 where I was left alone in a hotel room and a man broke in and sexually assaulted me than I am the awful home environment/atmosphere with 2 fighting parents, some domestic violence (though not on me). Although the sexual assault makes me feel sick when I think about it, my personality/attachment style if you believe in that and my fawning/people pleasing that I have to work hard to control is more prevalent.

I came across this which is a really interesting read.

https://www.cdc.gov/child-abuse-neglect/risk-factors/index.html

In my personal experience, some of it is because even though my parents were without a doubt awful, they had very high expectations in many ways, despite their own issues. We were a middle class family and the children would do well in school and go to university no matter what.

there were nights we slept rough to escape abuse and addiction, but my mother never let us miss a day of school.

So as bad as things got and as easily as it could have broken us, we always knew the path towards a better life.

Some thoughts:

1. Studies are increasingly showing that resilience has a genetic component
2. If a child has at least one caring/stabilising influence in childhood this mitigates the risk of abuse/damage. That’s not to say they aren’t affected by it but it is a protective factor
3. Coping strategies are learnt - if you can develop healthy coping strategies (eg talking to friends/ exercise) rather than unhealthy ones (drugs/alcohol) you will be far more resilient to environmental stressors

Different personalities and temperaments quite simply. There is a research on this, that I think characterised some children as Nettle children and others as Orchid children on the basis that some just were very robust and others seemed very sensitive and affected by most things going on around them

Think genetics has a lot to do with it. You can sometimes see the “oddballs” in a family because of a roll of the dice. People who are more adventurous, more timid, have more resilience than the rest of their familh etc. children within the same dysfunctional families will react differently.

I often wonder about this. My sister and I had the same not very nice upbringing but I am a relatively happy, productive member of society with my own family and a decent relationship with both parents as far as possible whereas she suffers from poor mental health, frequently brings up events from over twenty years ago, is still in therapy, does not speak to my parents and is perpetually angry with the world. She cannot let it go and not only her life is much worse for it but all her problems to this day are someone else’s fault. I love her but find her exhausting to be around. My impatience is probably showing here.

This interests me a lot. Birth order? Does she see what happened as more 'wrong'? Were there any major social shifts in her generation as opposed to what you grw up with(I am thinking something like, me and my close friend are only 3 years apart but she was a teen when social media became a thing. I wasn't so I didn't have that relationship with the Internet,huge impact, she takes online encounters much more seriously as just one example. Something like that?

the book ‘poor’ by catriona osullivan considers this. She had a horrible childhood and ended up a professor, her siblings ended up drug addicts. She concludes a combination of some people are born with an inner steel but mostly some differences in life events. She had a teacher who was kind to her, a best friend in a lovely family she visited so she could see how a ‘normal’ family behaved, she had a lovely boyfriend who helped her. That she says is the difference as her siblings didn’t have these strokes of luck.

What a strange question

My DSis and I had a fairly traumatic childhood. Sudden death of a parent (both of us younger than 9) then step parent (found too fast) was an alcoholic and remaining parent too passive to do much about anything.

We made it through because of aunts, uncles, grandparents and teachers. Our teachers were awesome. There’s 2 or 3 in particular who mean the world to me for all they did.