Why are people affected differently to childhood trauma?

[CherryCooler]

Sorry if this is a stupid question but I don't get it.
How come some people have really really horrendous things happen to them as a child and then they grow up into well adjusted confident adults with successful lives. Not saying that the trauma didn't have an affect on them. I'm sure it did.

But then some others who have experienced crap childhoods but not at the same level, end up with mental health issues and worse outcomes.

I get that it would depend on an individual's personality but it can't just be that. What is the major factor that makes the biggest difference in how it will affect you long term?

I think it’s really interesting!

Even before birth we are all affected by many and varied things. Maternal stress, perhaps even diet. Then we go into the world and things affect us every single second. We all turn out differently because all of our environments are experienced completely differently becuase our responses to them are coloured by our previous experiences, which were all experienced differently.

So we become unique individuals who are affected in myriad ways by different things.

Attitude comes into play, which is again affected by many and varied things from our pasts.

We can become enmeshed with our trauma and make it our identity, again affected by many and varied things from our pasts.

We can hit rock bottom and build ourselves up stronger, affected by many and varied things from our pasts.

Firstly I think everyone is wired differently. Some people just have an innate ability to compartmentalise and cope with trauma (doesn't mean they're better than the people who can't, just that they have different mental processes)

Secondly I think having a strong support system can make an enormous amount of difference in recovery from trauma. Going through it alone is entirely different from going through it with people to lean on.

Third, some people do just hide their struggles better than others, so while they might seem confident and together on the outside but they're struggling on the inside.

I think the ‘learning that no one will come to comfort you, so no point crying’ thing is key. This was one of my earliest lessons (overwhelmed, unattuned, emotionally immature parents), with the result that when I experienced CSA, it didn’t even occur to me to tell my parents. I powered on through a lot of difficulties thinking I was fine and holding it together, until something happened in my 50s that made me crack up and realise that it wasn’t that I was a resilient person, I’d just swallowed trauma endlessly because I’d learned as a baby there was no alternative. I look functional and successful, but I’m only realising at what cost.

I think stability is really important, adults who are so consistent and stable that they seem incredibly boring to a young person. Even things like the same house, same food and consistent traditions and routines. Obviously love and support is most important but all these things add up too.

It all depends on the resources they have, both intrinsic and external to be able to process and move on from trauma. I read or saw something about soldiers and PTSD. This study theorised if you have a group of people experiencing something traumatic in this case war/conflict, the ones more likely to develop PTSD are those who have had adverse childhood experiences and who did not have the inner resources to overcome/process that. There were people who had experienced trauma previously but they had the ability/skills to manage future trauma.
I have a family member who had an abusive childhood and their mother collapsed and died in front of him when he was young. He was in the army but never developed PTSD or other mental health issues. Conversely I know several people who had various adverse experiences as children who have never fully recovered.

I think sometimes it’s because those who are “more resilient” have actually just learned to compartmentalise or ignore their issues effectively enough to get by.

Not dealing with things and pushing them to one side is actually an incredibly unhealthy way to live, and in the long run it will catch you up.

I agree with the PP about opportunity/luck and about realising there’s no point crying as no one will come.

I had a tough upbringing, as did my cousins, and we talk about this a lot. My reason is always - I kept it together because I had to, I knew no one was ever coming to save me.

I’m also very aware of the opportunities/sliding doors in my life though. I’m the first out of my cousins to go straight to uni from college but also the only one that didn’t have a baby young, I had some lovely teachers and lecturers who supported me when others probably would have written me off, and I’ve had some right place right time career moments.

I would also add it’s very hard to judge if someone’s well adjusted. I’ve got a good career, lovely husband, nice home, etc so appear to have overcome my childhood but I’m actually still very anxious and have nightmares. I’m not sure my husband would describe me as well adjusted even if my friends would 😂

Genetic or other innate tendencies towards mental illness or substance misuse (which complicate our coping mechanisms and how resilient we are)

Multiple complex traumas that are cumulative - two children can grow up in the same dysfunctional family, but one was sexually abused by a coach or raped in uni or had a really bad car accident

Differences in individual resilience - this is sort of ‘personality’ but more than that, resilience is a skill not a trait

Ability to maintain a facade - someone people ‘look like’ they’re coping well but they’re not. Dh and BIL grew up in a house with 2 heavy drinking parents and Dh’s dad died quite unpleasantly of alcoholism. BIL bounced around a lot more in life, not as successful career wise, drinks a lot, dabbles in drugs, not married, no kids. Dh has had a much more outwardly ‘functional’ life, education, successful career, financial security, drinks moderately, no drugs, happy long term marriage, happy successful children, a ‘naice’ life. On the outside, you’d say Dh was much less affected by his childhood than BIL. If you know them, it’s obvious that BIL is probably coping better. Some people internalise trauma to keep up appearances…until they can’t. It comes out eventually, a breakdown, physical illness, substance abuse, etc.

Depends on the trauma they experienced. Depends on the age the trauma happened. Depends on whether it was once incidence of trauma or many instances. Depends on socio-economic circumstances. Depends on other people in the person's life. Depends what you consider to be well-adjusted confidence.

Every individual is unique, traumatised or not. Every individual will have their own unique trajectory. People write dissertations on the question you have asked! I don't think you are going to get a clear answer in a few sentences here.

Some interesting research here on this: CAPE consortium

trauma means different things to different people. For some people losing their beloved dog is described as a trauma.

I adored my dog and was absolutely devastated when she died, so incredibly upset. But I didn’t frame it as a trauma.
It was an incredibly sad time, but the inevitable circle of life. (dogs should live forever, they’re amazing)

I don't disagree that 'trauma' has become something of a buzz-word.

However losing a pet CAN cause trauma (by which I mean, medical trauma) depending on many factors, but it isn't a given. Depends on how you lose the pet as well as all the other factors mentioned in this thread.

Trauma isn't an event, OP, it's a response to an event. The presence of absence of ACEs and protective factors will have an effect, along with resources available for support, individual resilience, and a whole lot of other things.

If you're interested, Dr Bruce Perry and Dr Nadine Burke Harris have a lot of very accessible work on the subject.

Bear in mind that there's single event trauma and cumulative trauma, and someone's response will potentially be impacted depending on which it is

Really - why do you say that. I would say that it's fascinating how our minds work.

if anyone is interested in trauma in children, there is some interesting work by David Trickey. The issue is repeat trauma causing cPTSD, which may affect children in particular since they have little choice but to be in a traumatic environment. I wouldn’t be inclined to say sensitivity is significant, it’s sadly the case that people within in families will have very different experiences. A lot of traumatized people are in denial for a lot of their lives, compared to a sibling who has a perception which may be more accurate.

Research shows that early adversity such as abuse, neglect, poverty, or parental mental illness, can disrupt children’s brain development and increase risks for later emotional, behavioural, and physical health problems, yet many thrive due to key protective factors. Resilience is now understood as a product of interconnected systems, with supportive, consistent caregiving being the most powerful buffer: warm, responsive parents improve children’s self-regulation and wellbeing even in high-stress environments.

Also, Donald Winnicott’s idea of the “good enough mother” describes a caregiver who doesn’t need to be perfect, just attuned and responsive enough to meet the infant’s needs most of the time. Early on, she provides strong emotional and physical “holding,” giving the baby a sense of safety and security. As the child grows, she naturally and gradually responds less perfectly, allowing small, manageable frustrations that help the child build resilience, self-regulation, and a sense of separate identity. This “good enough” caregiving fosters the development of the child’s authentic or “true self,” showing that ordinary, imperfect parenting is not only acceptable but essential for healthy psychological development.

I often wonder the same thing. I was sexually abused by my biological father, and my mother struggled with mental illness. I also went through a couple of traumatic experiences as an adult. And yet, I can honestly say I’m fine. I’m a genuinely happy, positive person. I enjoy my career, I love being a mum, I love my partner, and I have wonderful friends.

I can’t fully explain why I am the way I am. I think some of it comes down to innate resilience, but I also believe part of it is a choice. You can choose to keep looking back, or you can choose to live in the present. It is a mindset. But making that choice —and continuing to make it — takes will power and strength. And, when you're hurting, sometimes it's hard to find that strength.

Yeah, like so many things.

It’s unfashionable these days to talk about personality and innate disposition, but it is so clear to me that some people are just naturally more positive / optimistic / hopeful than others, regardless of circumstance.

What a fantastic post.

I recall an interview with Chrissie Hynde where she demonstrated that she was ‘over’ being gang raped as a young woman and said she had “learned from it and moved on”. It was refreshingly honest and showed that different people deal with trauma completely differently.

Different personalities, and that is some nature and some nurture, also birth order. It makes a big difference if they had some normal loving family and then something bad happened and then have more love and support, vs someone in a total neglect never-ever-known-love situation and no one gives a shit.

Sometimes it's just judging by appearances. People perceive me to be doing ok, but in reality only medical professionals and DH really see the effects of my CPTSD.

One woman I know had a horrible childhood and says she is fine, and she has absolutely no time for people with mental health, drink and drug issues etc because she thinks they should just get over it like she has, but I do suspect her total detachment is a form of dissociation from the trauma.

Pare that with one of the most traumatized people I know. The actually trauma happened to someone else, she only witnessed the event. It doesn't make her PTSD any less real, she is still absolutely broken by it and has been for many years, despite trying every prescription and therapy known to modern medicine.

We don't understand the mind much. We don't really know how to fix it when it gets broken. Some things work some of the time for some people 🤷

Antonovsky had a theory about this. Salute Genesis.

Gah auto correct! Salutogenesis.