School refusing 8 year old, what the fuck do I do?

[RibenaToothkind]

My 8 year old son is school refusing, but only with me. I am divorced from his dad and he has him 50% of the time.

Everything is a battle. He refuses to get dressed. I suspect sensory issues but he can manage to get dressed when it's something he wants to do.

What I dont get is, why are the school not angry? I am FAILING my child, I can't get him into school. This is basic parenting. I just can't do it. If I get angry it doesn't help, if I try gentle tactics it doesn't help. The school have said I can put him in any clothes, anything at all, but he just won't get dressed!

They are sort of being supportive with possible SEN, and have got the staff to call a few times and speak to my son, but this isn't helping.

You hear so many horror stories about parents being fined etc and threatened with prison. Why isn't that happening here? I would absolutely welcome a visit from truant officer right now!

I'm recovering from an operation and really needed to rest today and really needed him at school.

You mostly have to be proactive with schools if you want help.
Your child won't be the only school refuser.
Why would they be angry?

Ask for a meeting with the school about the EBSA (emotionally based school refusal) and see what they can put in place. You're the one that will need to push for support.

Is everything ok with his dad? Why is he insisting on staying home your days and not his? If it was a school issue, would he not be equally as stubborn.

I don’t know much about this sort of thing and may be talking rubbish, but could it be your his safe space and he doesn’t want to leave you on your days?

Thanks. I'm feeling so fed up and emotional. It's just, you get so many emails about attendance etc that I assumed that if his attendance drops they would be wanting me to be get him to school and angry with me if he's not in school. If I was taking them to disneyland for a week they'd be losing their shit.
Why is it less of a priority because I'm sat at home crying? I know this is an illogical argument. I'm just so fed up.

If he won't go to school then I cannot work. I'm not the home schooling type, I'm really not. So I'm completely fucked.

I feel like I'm asking for help and all I get is signposting to websites.

He adores his dad and he is not aware of any issues but everything is not ok at his dad's. His dad has an alcohol problem (reported to SS but they have closed the case for now but I do need ro re-report).
So sorry to drip feed, but yeah there's other issues. His dad can make him do stuff as he is more authorative but I do suspect he masks with him a bit.

For years I wondered what I was doing wrong with him (and my ex made.me believe I was the problem) but now I wonder if it is actually that I am his safe space.

I'm sorry, I am rambling. I am just fed up and emotional with it all. I know there is probably support out there but I'm staggered by how un proactive it is. Right now it feels like nobody cares.

My daughter is separated from her partner and they used to share their son 50/50. She used to have the same battle as you getting her son to school. Went OK for his dad.
Due to issues with dad he's now with her all the time and she's having no problems at all getting him to school, and his behaviour is much better altogether.
We don't know if it's the consistancy of living in one place all the time or maybe not being with his dad half the time, but he's much more settled.

Sounds like he has anxiety and separation issues around leaving you OP. He doesn't feel the same separation anxiety around his dad. I expect he doesn't want to get dressed because he knows it's the first step towards school and leaving you.

He's obviously really struggling OP and a 50/50 split might be difficult for him as he doesn't have a home base, he's always between two places. I think he probably needs to be with you more (as counter intuitive as that sounds as you are the one having the issues with him).

How long have you been divorced? If it's quite new he might be worried if his dad has 'left' home that you might up and leave. It doesn't matter how irrational this is, is may be a real fear - even if your divorce was several years ago it might be that he is at an age where he's suddenly more aware and that fear has kicked in. He doesn't feel safe right IMO.

Oh ok, just seen your update. Yes you are his safe space and I would be very worried about his relationship with his father. I would imagine it's not that he adores his dad - more that he idolises him. He desperately wants to feel loved by him and so does whatever he asks, but I would imagine there is also fear. I now really think it's totally inappropriate for him to have 50%.

You are not the one doing anything wrong OP. I 100% believe that. Is ther any chance of him coming home for lunch OP? When mine was struggling at primary school coming home for lunch made a huge difference for him - school don't really like it IME but knowing he will see you again in a few hours might be much easier for him to cope with and get him into school.

Oh, that's really interesting. It was me who left the family home and moved out into a rented house (only down the road) because my ex was insiatant that as I chose to split i must leave so that must have been a huge adjustment for him. Massive.

I still do suspect SEN but there's got to be some emotional fallout too.

When we split my ex absolutely insisted on 50 50 and said he wanted more because he didn't think I was emotionally able to manage the kids. He is not a nice man. He does not think our son has any SEN.

Erm, sounds like school is the best place for your son. I’d take him in in pyjamas in a taxi (with school clothes in bag), to underline to him the importance of routine. If you do that solidly he will know that he’s going to school whether he wants to get changed or not. I don’t think this is sen-based though, sounds like he suffers with insecure attachment and is seeking reassurance by being with you.
www.attachmentproject.com/blog/insecure-attachment-in-childhood/

Okay, then it makes sense that he might have separation anxiety with you as you are the one who left (not having a go, btw, just explaining how it might look to a child). I don't think it necessarily means there is something negative going on with his dad. Was the separation and you moving explained to him, and were you both honest and open with your answers? Was he at home when you left or did you go while he was away? Is the new house 'home' now, or does it have a temporary feel - boxes not unpacked etc?

I would get on the list for CAMHS via his gp. They’ll help with therapy, a diagnosis and a certificate to help at school etc. you’ll also have a social worker who will come and talk to him. Most kids want to go to school, hopefully they’ll get to the bottom of it. Good luck.

What help do you want? Maybe posters can advise how to get it.

I've done as much as possible to make it feel like a home, it was all unpacked and ready to go within a couple of days.
When we split, my ex told the kids behind my back that it was my decision but he didnt know why. And at the time I dodnt know how to explain emotional abuse and Alcoholism to a then 6 year old, and I was scared and just wanted to get out. So I guess part of the issue is that my son hasn't understood why we split up. And it took me the best part of a year to process it myself..

Our daughter is seeing a lot of the issues with her dad now that I've moved out, but she is older.

OP, I’m not an expert in school refusal but I grew up with an alcoholic parent.

I won’t second guess exactly how it affects your children, but it will be. Even if they are not fully aware of the problem.

Are your children receiving any support re: having an alcoholic parent? The school refusal may well be linked.

Please share how you’d physically get him in the car?

I had this problem with my daughter OP and you have my sympathy. She is older and a mixture of tough love and really understanding what was going on at school has helped - she’s now in every day. It’s been tough. Hang in there x

I agree that he should be in school. Quite frankly I am a better parent when I am able to work and he is on school wjen he should be.

Please do explain to me how I physically make an 8 year old get into a taxi without causing more issues? Especially this week while I am recovering from an operation and unable to lift anything.

It's very difficult to get practical support for school avoidance and there are unfortunately rarely any quick fixes or magic solutions.

You should feel relieved that you are not being fined and prosecuted as the stress of that would be horrendous and it wouldn't make any difference to whether your son is able to go to school or not anyway.

In total my 2 children have missed nearly 4 years of school between them over the past 6 years - both are autistic with sensory difficulties and anxiety.

In no particular order, things which we have done which have helped (to differing degrees):

• GP for referral to CAMHS for mental health support (long wait, not great when we got it)
• Self referred to local charity for mentor (quite helpful but child was 11 at the time - possibly not so good for younger ones)
• Paid for private psychologist sessions (very helpful but also very expensive)
• got EHCPs in place (takes a long time but made a huge difference for one of them as got specialist school place and he's had 100% attendance with no issues since)
• asked school to put in sessions with ELSA/play therapy/Lego therapy (helped a bit in primary although not as much as getting the EHCP and the right school)
• Right to Choose for assessment and diagnosis (in itself makes little difference to what support is available but helped one of mine better understand why he found things so hard)

Most Local Authorities now have EBSA/EBSNA (emotionally based school avoidance/school non attendance) guidelines for parents and schools. Worth googling your LA and seeing what they have in place and then taking that to school to discuss what more they can do to help.

Ultimately though from my experience you are in this for the long haul and there are no magic solutions. Sounds like there's a lot going on in the background so it's probably hard to unpick exactly what's stopping your son being able to go to school, and it's almost certainly a combination of lots of different things anyway. The first step is to try and figure out all the barriers and understand what's stopping him being able to go. Then you can work with school to overcome those barriers.

Good luck, I do know how hard this is and I wish I had the answer for you but unfortunately it's not that simple.

If he is unable to attend for 15 days or more (non consecutive) the LA must put appropriate alternative education in place under Section 19 of the Education Act so that may also be something to look into (although LAs do not make this an easy process I'm afraid)

His dad is the problem here. He broke the relationship up and forced you out.
In an ideal world you and your son should be back into the family home 100% of the time. His dad needs to clean himself up, grow up and come back when that's done. 50/50 isn't doing your son any good.

No they wouldn't be 'losing their shit' if you went to Disneyland. They would mark it as unauthorised or not and the local authority or would fine or not. That's not losing their shit.

I'm sure the school are happy to help OP but they'll be as limited as you feel. They can't drag him in. They can't dress him. I would suggest a virtual meeting to discuss it all asap.

It's awful when this happens. The family are powerless. The school is powerless.

There's something not working for your child. The key is figuring out what. It's not so much getting him through the door that's important. It's what's making him not want to because until that either changes or support to cope with it is in place then getting him through the door won't keep him through the door.

It could be SEND needs. It could be separation anxiety. It could be sensory overstimulation in a busy school environment. It could be relationships in school with peers or staff. It could be that he's worried because you're unwell. It could be all sorts of things.

Sorry I was typing and missed the posts about the alcoholism. There's highly likely to be some links to that with the current situation. Can you afford to pay for private therapy to explore everything?

Long term, speak to the SENDCO at school and the person responsible for attendance. Be very clear about the difficulties getting him to school, and ask for their help.
I worked with a child in very similar circumstances a few years ago, and a member of staff would meet the mum and child outside the school wherever Mum parked, and help her get the child out of the car into school. At his worst, it wasn't always successful, but it did help some of the time. Sometimes he just came and sat in the head's office drawing for the morning and mum would pick him up at lunchtime, but he was in school and gradually improved. It was a very long haul. Mum did find that getting someone else to bring him in helped, she employed a young man ( student) at one point who would collect him and bring him to school. Is that something you could consider?
We did find that the longer he was off, the harder he found it to come in.
School can help in terms of referral to therapy - our (state) school has an art therapist visiting regularly, others I know have had music therapy.
Be really open with them, keep up communication.

Actually, if it were an option to have a "childminder" who came to pick him up and take him to school, that would be amazing, is there such a thing? If they could be an occasional babysitter that would be great too.

What I need is support with him but someone who is fun and kind and has a bit of energy. Like an extra family member but who I pay.

Humiliating him won’t help.

Don’t send him. Ask for work for him to do at home for a week or so. Then ask for a gradual reintroduction. He will be in a state of high anxiety and needs a lot of care and not pushed or he will shut down

I'm not going to push him. I know him and this would just make it worse.

The problem is that this week I need to recover from my op and next week I need to work. I simply can't tech him from home. And if I can't get him to put socks on, how can I get him to do actual work? I'm just not the type of person who can home school. I'm really not.

You might find though that he refuses to leave the house with the CM as it's leaving you, not going to school that is the issue. It might be worth trying with one of his friends parents for a couple of days though, to see if it does make things easier.

OP, I have a very anxious child and the key for us in avoiding (just) school refusal was treating his behaviour as a means of communication rather than something that needed discipline.

He has had a lot of change, his dad's home is probably not feeling like a safe place to express his emotions and now you are recovering from an op. No wonder he wants to keep you where he can see you.

In your shoes, I'd say to him that you're not unwell, just tired and healing (if that's true), and I'd get comfy on the sofa or in bed with him by your side. Stick a film on (NB I'd suggest a film you like that's not inappropriate for him rather than something he'd choose), have a snooze (if you feel he's safe to be in the house while you doze - my child would have been) and see if you can get the level of angst that he's feeling to an absolute minimum today. You can't discipline a child into being less anxious. Start again tomorrow, with a fresh slate.