School refusing 8 year old, what the fuck do I do?

[RibenaToothkind]

My 8 year old son is school refusing, but only with me. I am divorced from his dad and he has him 50% of the time.

Everything is a battle. He refuses to get dressed. I suspect sensory issues but he can manage to get dressed when it's something he wants to do.

What I dont get is, why are the school not angry? I am FAILING my child, I can't get him into school. This is basic parenting. I just can't do it. If I get angry it doesn't help, if I try gentle tactics it doesn't help. The school have said I can put him in any clothes, anything at all, but he just won't get dressed!

They are sort of being supportive with possible SEN, and have got the staff to call a few times and speak to my son, but this isn't helping.

You hear so many horror stories about parents being fined etc and threatened with prison. Why isn't that happening here? I would absolutely welcome a visit from truant officer right now!

I'm recovering from an operation and really needed to rest today and really needed him at school.

Thanks. That is kind of what I'm doing. He wants to play Roblox but I'm going to keep him off it for now and put a nice film on for us.
I think he is anxious but he cant communicate it adequately.

Mum leaves the house as childminder arrives. But it would have to a childminder without other children with them as it may not go well.

You don’t need to teach him from home.

at the moment, think of it as like he has a physical illness like flu. Realistically he can afford to take a couple of weeks off with getting too behind. Children can and do get serious illness including cancer and miss all sorts of school and still get caught up.

if you are really really worried about him keeping up on a day to day basis then get him to read and sign up for a maths website that allows him to practice every day. This will also help you feel in a bit more control of the situation.

so, right now you are ill. So step back. Coddle both yourself and him. Put some films on, get takeout, eat easy food. Calm both him and you down.

next week, when you need to work, you say to him that you need to work. Consider two different strategies depending on whether you work from home or outside the home.

if you work from home, consider asking school to let you bring him home for lunch. Then you can have lunch together and be very focused on him. Or you can eat “out” - sandwich shop, costa or similar - but only if he goes into school.

get him to keep up reading and maths regardless of whether he goes into or not, and do your work from home regardless of whether he goes in or not.

if you work outside the home in an office then this is much tougher. There are various options - talking it through with him and offering essentially bribes to go in - but some of these may be tricky with an 8 year old.

is there anything he likes about school at all?

How was today, OP?

He went in, but a bit late today. I tried to stay really relaxed with him. A phone call from the school did help. So now we know he can do it, I'm more hopeful for tomorrow.
I would say, he's been more dysregulated and defiant this evening though. That's been hard!

Thanks for asking 😊

Glad you got him in. I have a school avoider age 6. She is in most days but often an hour late at least. She refuses to get up, can't eat, refuses clothes and refuses to brush her teeth. I initially tried strictness and it backfired. She has very apparent sensory issues and also exhibits demand avoidance in relation to most things. I think you have done really well keeping it low pressure and relaxed. I agree that it sounds like you are the safe space and that's a great thing, but also puts you in the toughest position. I would say that wherever else in his life you can lower demands for your DS, this might free up his capacity to get dressed and get into school. I hope you recover well from the op and I hope things continue to improve.

Op well done. He will probably be a bit more defiant this evening because he’s masking how he feels at school. You are his safe space so he can let it all out in front of you. Tomorrow might be hard work again but just remind him how proud you are of how he managed it today. It’s hard, and it’s awful to see your child distressed. You are doing a brilliant job xx

All of those kind words made me cry. Thank you. I just feel so alone with all of this.

My dd was a nightmare getting her to school, refusing to get dressed, refusing to eat, refusing to walk, catch bus, get into car (depending on age) but I never gave in, I knew once it happened once she would not go in again so we battled daily. Often she was sent home by 11am but next morning in I dragged her. Some people may think it is wrong but she hated going to school because the other children were noisy and didn’t follow the rules, varied a bit by age but school was tricky throughout. The good news is perseverance paid off and eventually she got a separate place to study at school, got a stars etc.

OP, still thinking of you. Don’t feel you have to provide updates, but please know you’re in my thoughts.