I just find it so difficult working in an office 3 days a week - single parent

[HelenHywater]

I have a new job where I need to commute (45 mins) to work 3 days a week. I just find it SO difficult . Previously I did maybe 1 or 2 days a week plus other meetings that I left the house for.

My kids are teens but still I have to get up early on office days to walk dogs, do washing, think about dinner, put a wash on, have a tidy around. - just so I can leave at 8am Then come home and supervise the evening (even if they have started cooking). They don't talk to each other if I'm not there, so they stay in their rooms. My eldest often stays in bed if I don't get him up. I've I leave a list they may do things, but they do them badly. And certainly don't think outside of the list.

I'm not getting any home jobs done at all. I'm just exhausted. My roof leaked this week so I needed to find a builder and wait in for him. Then I had a doctors appointment another day and just feel so bad all the time that I can't work. In my previous job I could fit my work in so often worked evenings and weekends, in this job they're much more a 9-5 set up. (and they check to see if you're logged in).

Is it me? My 13 yo is also struggling - self harm, eating disorder, refusing school and I'm pretty sure she's autistic. I sent her into school one day when she couldn't cope just because I needed to go into the office! (then got called to pick her up early, so that backfired anyway).

I wonder if it's just me and i need to pull myself together.

(I thought about putting this in AIBU but you might all say I am, and all the nurses and teachers will come on and say that I am being unreasonable because they do it 5 days a week). I feel I can do 2 days, but 3 feels impossible for me.

I was about to say that I'm a teacher and do this five days a week, but then reread your last paragraph 🤣. Also, we all leave the house at 7.15am.

I do feel like three days should be manageable and a lot of people do a lot more (sorry - I know that's not what you want to hear), but it sounds like you are unhappy, so maybe you need to look for something else?

I don’t think you’ll get what you’re looking for from this thread. I guess if you’re used to only working 1 day then you may be feeling overwhelmed. But what the day that you’re describing is perfectly normal for a lot of us working 6 days, and with younger children/babies.

working in the office is hard for many people but that’s not the employers issue, it was in the advert no doubt. So yes yabu BUT yes working is such a juggling act, I do sympathise, I had to quit full time in office because dc needed me home, i switched to pt, still all in office though, I do vote this is a luxury not everyone has

Are you utilising your other two days a week op? Is there anything you could do on those days that would make your office days more manageable?

It is very very hard especially when you have no support at home. The only thing I have found that helps is to meal prep as much as possible at the weekend so at least on my three late days they aren’t eating junk. But it is so hard to fit everything in isn’t it

It is really hard. I'm separated from my ex and live with my teen dc and life is full on! I find working as well as trying to manage the dc, house, garden, social activities exhausting and overwhelming.

I have ADHD and Autism so I think that's a big part of why I struggle with so much. You mentioned your 13 year old may have autism - do you think there is a chance you could also be neurodiverse? Sorry if that's totally off beam, I just thought if that was the case, it could partly explain why you are finding things difficult.

I just wanted to add to my earlier post - I am not saying it's easy at all. I'd give it all up in a heartbeat if I won the lottery because juggling everything is hard. However, as a pp says, an easier life is a luxury and it's not one I can afford. Perhaps you can? Only you know.

I think you got used to an exceptionally easy ride in your old job. You need to find another job like that with more flexibility.

I work 1 day in the office - there are fully home WFH jobs out there !

I'm single parent work ft in school, it's really hard. I leave at 720 am and call my dc to check they are up for school at 8am.. my advice is, get a cleaner.
Take time off in school hols to be there.
My dc sre very independent and see me working hard, its been OK.. although I miss that other adult presence.

I’d suggest 2 things.
firstly try and reframe your mindset and try and appreciate that you have 4 non working days at home each week.
rather than looking back at your previous job when you could do work tasks evening and weekends, try and appreciate you have this time as family time or time to relax.

secondly try and drop your standards and simplify anything you can on your office days. For example, jacket potatoes rather than an elaborate dinner. If you can afford to, spend money on things that might make life a tiny bit easier e.g. a dog walker, buy a meal deal rather than make packed lunches etc. Save laundry for the days you are at home.

Is your eldest teen at college? Can’t they walk the dogs and do other jobs to help out?

It seems to me your DC is going through a difficult time and it's surely causing incredible stress for you. As a result your capacity for coping with normal life is lower. That certainly would be the case for me.

I think you need to rethink your chores and allocate a bit more to your teens. Outsource what you can eg. get shopping delivered. Can you set yourself out a routine with washing/ batch cooking etc to reduce the amount you need to do daily? Teens should be old enough to hoover/ dust/ tidy etc and should be getting themselves up for the day. Edited to add, obviously your dc is struggling so I'd sit down with them and plan together what they feel is manageable. Speak to the school/gp or any other support available to see if you can develop strategies to help her cope. I'd also look at it like building independence often builds confidence and resilience and might create more free time for you to focus on her and building her up.

Going from 2 days to 3 was very difficult for me. I had to do it for tax credits when my ex decided that family life was not for him. My DC have additional needs and DS3 is getting more not less needy as he gets older - probable autism or PDA (awaiting assessment), situational mutism, EBSA, possibly ARFID and they are all poor sleepers. Endless discussions with school, horrendous school runs, rushing to get to work etc. I'm absolutely exhausted by the end of the week. I use one day off just to have headspace. It may involve lots of "productive" stuff or it may involve just staring at nothing with multiple cups of tea. Depends how things are going. I know some people will view this as lazy single mum who should be working more but it is honestly essential to avoid complete burnout. I have the kids 100% of the time and can't even get a childminder for school runs as there are no places. The other day I spend at my parents' house helping them with things. They are getting older and need me. The 3rd day that is now a work day used to be housework so I had more time to give to the kids at the weekend. But now that just has to be fitted in. So, in summary, if you have a lot else going on in your life I don't think it is strange to find working 3 full days difficult.

I don't know, I have always worked full time, office based, with two kids. I was always in the office, but since covid have found roles where I can do 2 days in and 3 days at home.
I know now if I went back to 5 days it would be a struggle to change my routine.
I think you need time to get used to it really. Also accept that things will not get done. You havent got as much time.
Theres loads I don't do, due to workikg full time. I don't cook every night, I dont hoover every week and I don't put the socks away... i just don't have the time or energy for everything.

Things you do not have to do in the morning:

do washing,
think about dinner,
put a wash on,
have a tidy around.

None of these have to be done in the morning. It probably worked to do this when you were mostly WFH. But if you have to be up and out, and you’re finding mornings stressful, don’t do any of these.

If you need to get a wash on each day, put it in the machine the night before with a timer to start in the morning. Or at least all loaded in there with powder and switched to the right setting.

Do all the thinking about dinner at the weekend and write a list on the fridge, all the food delivered then too. Keep the meals super easy.

You don’t need to tidy around in the morning. Leave it. Can be done later. Fine if mornings are easy, but if they’re horrible just don’t do it. Nothing bad will happen.

Feels like you’re still trying to do all the morning jobs that fitted easily into your morning when WFH but that’s changed now. So you need to adjust.

eg me - in the morning I get up, shower, get dressed, have cup of tea and breakfast, say hi to the teens and leave the house. I’m not a single parent, but DH does the same. I will often unload the dishwasher while I’m making cup of tea and having breakfast, but probably only about 50% of the time.

Having to walk dogs would send me over the edge, never mind all the other things you do in the morning.

We do washing in the evenings, meal planning easy weekday meals at the weekends, tidying up sometimes.

Ok I find this an bit odd. Mostly that you are still in charge of the teens functioning to such a large extent. I’d be pushing this area the most.
I think you get used to things. There was a time when I got up at 5 walked the dogs for an hour, fed the sheep and horses, put the sheep out. Left with DH and the kids at 7am for an hour commute. We all got home at 7pm and the same routine in reverse. The kids who were 13, 12, 12 and 9 picked up the slack. They did their own washing helped with supper, everyone cleared up afterwards.
I cooked a lot at the weekend. All the kids cooked one night a meal of their choice.
It was tough and we had a cleaner 2x a week who also did the ironing.

Everyone found that particular period tough but we all pulled together. If the kids don’t like each other can they not at least see that YOU are struggling and help YOU?

Tell the kids they can take it in turns to get up an hour earlier and walk the dogs.

Speak to your teenagers. They are old enough to understand and empathise, learn and support you more and should be doing so if you feel you cannot cope!

I was going to ask this, I wonder if OP is also ND and is burnt out.

Can you look for a role where you are wfh fully? only you know what you’re able to handle and some people have jobs that require them to attend in person but if yours does not then best to look for something completely remote. Ignore all the people telling you you should be able to handle it because they’re nurses and teachers, op isn’t that so it’s not useful to her.

You also sound like you’re burnt out from work so perhaps speaking to your gp may help. It’s the lack of help with domestic duties that is also impacting you.

Does your income at all allow for a cleaner? Sometimes outsourcing tasks can free up time where you can spent quality time with the kids or have some respite. I can’t explain the relief of walking in from work and the house being freshly cleaned.

OP, check that you don't have any health issues going on. Lack of organisation might be due to not functioning at your best and can be caused by a number of issues e.g. low vitamin D, perimenopause etc

I had this on my return to work after Mat Leave and thought it was just me but it turns out I had an underlying health issue.

It might not be the issue here, but if you've previously worked full time and coped, it might be worth giving it a thought.

ok so I did leave my last job due to burn out, and I haven't fully recovered from that. And I don't have a whole lot of resilience right now.

And yes, I'm starting to wonder whether I'm ND too. (That's a whole other thing to sort out though). I do just feel overwhelmed with my life and don't know how to change that. (Add menopause into the mix too, I suppose). And exhausted.

I do know I'm unreasonable - I know lots of people do deal with 3 days easily. I was also 6 months without working, so I've gone from 0-3 days in the office (or working at all). I do feel a bit crap about myself - it should be easy but it just isn't.