I just find it so difficult working in an office 3 days a week - single parent

[HelenHywater]

I have a new job where I need to commute (45 mins) to work 3 days a week. I just find it SO difficult . Previously I did maybe 1 or 2 days a week plus other meetings that I left the house for.

My kids are teens but still I have to get up early on office days to walk dogs, do washing, think about dinner, put a wash on, have a tidy around. - just so I can leave at 8am Then come home and supervise the evening (even if they have started cooking). They don't talk to each other if I'm not there, so they stay in their rooms. My eldest often stays in bed if I don't get him up. I've I leave a list they may do things, but they do them badly. And certainly don't think outside of the list.

I'm not getting any home jobs done at all. I'm just exhausted. My roof leaked this week so I needed to find a builder and wait in for him. Then I had a doctors appointment another day and just feel so bad all the time that I can't work. In my previous job I could fit my work in so often worked evenings and weekends, in this job they're much more a 9-5 set up. (and they check to see if you're logged in).

Is it me? My 13 yo is also struggling - self harm, eating disorder, refusing school and I'm pretty sure she's autistic. I sent her into school one day when she couldn't cope just because I needed to go into the office! (then got called to pick her up early, so that backfired anyway).

I wonder if it's just me and i need to pull myself together.

(I thought about putting this in AIBU but you might all say I am, and all the nurses and teachers will come on and say that I am being unreasonable because they do it 5 days a week). I feel I can do 2 days, but 3 feels impossible for me.

This. I know it's tricky in a new job but can you ask you boss about family-friendly flexibility for a period?
Do they offer any employee assistance programme

I feel like this too OP. I work 4 days and either 2 or 3 in the office. More than 2 days is a killer. My house is chaos. I spend every evening shipping the kids places, trying to get them to do homework, and I'm collapsing with exhaustion some days (also going for blood tests due to how tired I am). I'm starting to do some outsourcing to the kids but it's not always easy and for many things I don't have the time or energy to show them so they can do it themselves.

No answers but solidarity.

That changes things OP. See your GP, check meds and maybe have a blood test, just to check everything is in order. Look at your diet too and supplement vits and mins if needed.

Don't measure yourself against, or seek approval from, anyone who has never had burnout, or doesn’t believe it's a thing. You have to pick yourself up slowly after a burnout and reestablish where your stress boundaries are.

Be kind to yourself

It's not you. Do not underestimate the pressure caring for a teen with MH problems. I work 3 days a week and I still struggle to keep my head above water. I have no support and have the kids 24/7. The mess and life admin that comes with a teen MH issues is such an added pressure.

If both teens were like my eldest I'd have been back full time years ago. People who have support, a lot of money or an easy teen have no idea how draining it is. I'm part of a support group for other SEN parents and even the ones with a partner struggle working part time.

You're assuming those who do it, and those who work full time out of the house, find it easy. I’m sure some do, but many don’t because juggling work, school and life is hard. I work two days in the office and two days at home, have a nursery age and a school age DC, I’m ND and find it all a struggle, even though I have DH who helps a lot.

I think the big problem here are the teens . They aren’t babies and need to help more . There’s no point you being burnt out when your teens stay in bed . They may have issues but that surely doesn’t give them a catch all to have no responsibilities ever .

You have 2 days working from home which should be enough to deal with builders etc.

A 13 year old refusing school is tricky for sure, but again, at least you're at home for 2 days.

Key thing I think is drop your standards, let them cook for themselves for those 3 days and eat in their rooms if they want. You can have family dinners the rest of the time (or if you don't want that then batch cook and reheat).

So yeah, you are being unreasonable by average standards - but rather than give yourself a hard time, drop your standards till it works for you.

If your last job gave you burn out, it sounds like the flexibility you had was at least equally hard to manage.

I don’t tidy around or put washing on the days I’m in the office, we don’t have so much washing that I can’t leave it a few days.

My eldest (15) makes dinner for us on the days I go in and has down for a couple years, (admittedly not 3 days a week, but once a week would be reasonable). We don’t have dogs, but if we did my teens would help with that also.

My youngest is autistic, although not struggling to the extent your daughter is, I have a carer’s passport to reduce my office attendance, is that something you could do?

It sounds like you’re still trying to do things the way you did when you weren’t working at all, or were doing things with more wfh time.

Whereas the approach needs to match the context. Whats your commute? Public transport or you?

If it’s public transport then can move some of the life admin to the commute. Eg. Meal planning, doing an online food shop etc.
If you’re driving / walking / cycling then you move some of your down time to it. Choose the podcast / music / audio book etc. Then some of that time is then available for other stuff.

Teenagers getting involved in more household chores also sounds overdue. Dinner isn’t done until it’s cleared up.

I think it will take time to adjust to the new routine and maybe a chat with your older teen about how they can help (or at least not make it work)

I know if I changed jobs fixed days and hours in an office with a commute i would struggle too (also single parent) so whilst i don’t deny other can and do it do it maybe this job isn’t for you - sit tight for a while after a period of unemployment but perhaps look for one with more flexible working.

Yes my eldest teen is an issue. I did have a chat with him this morning, then went into work meetings (I'm wfh today) and he's still in bed.

I didn't even add in exercise into the mix and I really need to this both for physical rehab reasons but also for my mental health. And I think some of you are right, I am trying to fit in everything now I could fit into a non-working existence previously.

But also I've underestimated the strain that I'm feeling from dealing with my daughter and her issues. And dealing with them alone.

I have a catch up with my line manager later, and I might suggest doing 2 days in the office for a few weeks at least until I feel that my daughter is coping a bit better.

One option to also cover with manager is adjusting hours slightly. Can you do a similar work impact on day type day. So slightly shorter office days and longer working at home days to help with getting things settled.

i'm a single mum who works 5 days in the office although with a shorter commute.. You need to do home stuff in the evenings. You don't need to put a wash on plan supper or tidy around in the morning. Scrap all that.

I put clothes on to wash when I get home from work. Or early weekend mornings. Saturday I parkrun. I clean the house on Sunday morning while teens are still in bed. I meal plan & write a shopping list on Friday night, groceries go in the freezer on Saturday. Then I take one supper out each morning.

So my working morning routine is coffee, shower, dress, move supper from the freezer to the fridge, drop ds at school bus, head in to work. 45 mins total. No dogs though. Can't your teens walk them?

When I get in from work, I put a wash on, cook supper, eat, put washing on drier, do any life admin that I didn't do at lunchtime.

Dentists and seeing a builder just can't be avoided though. Your employer needs to understand that a leaking roof needs to be seen. It must be a pretty rare occurence.

I’m always a bit puzzled by threads like this. Before the pandemic most people didn’t work from home and worked in an office for five days each week, so how do the people who are unhappy at having to go into an office two or three times a week cope six years ago?

I’m sorry you’re struggling and I’m very sorry your daughter is having a rough time. I think you need to either prioritise finding a new job or prioritise organising yourselves a bit better - ideally both really.

Get your mornings down to bare minimum, there’s no slack in most people’s mornings so you just can’t faff around like that. Your older teenager needs to stop being selfish - I know easier said than done but I wouldn’t be doing laundry or cooking for him like he’s a child. No need to think about dinner every day - batch cook on the weekends, get a slow cooker, put each child in charge of 1-2 nights.

I work full time, in the office 3 days and home 2 and I think it’s a great balance. I am so grateful not to be in the office 5 days anymore.

Well they know differently now don’t they? You can’t unsee something you’ve seen. If I had to go back full time now (or even 3 days) I’d be miserable as I know how much better all round WFH was.

That sounds like a good plan. I'm sure they'd rather support you reducing temporarily to get back on an even keel, than have you go off sick longer from burnout.

And @Growlybear83, people got burnout long before covid.

Do you get any help from their dad? Does he contribute finicially?

I wouldn't do washing on a morning when you have work. You can do a quick dinner pasta, jacket potatoes ect. Batch cook on a weekend.

Your teens need to set alarms. Show they how to sort and load the washer.

He contributes financially, but doesn't parent at all.

Retail worker- 3/4/ 5 days a week but married but dh away a week at a time for work and in office 5 days a week although he juggles/ helps when he can. especially now car is in garage.

Op huge hugs, it’s all juggling, running and totally empathise with the school thing, I remember standing at the school gate with one of my sons trying to get him to hurry in so I wouldn’t be late and he was absolutely white in the face and obviously unwell and asked about going home and I looked him in the eye and said ‘I need you to get through today and try not to get the teacher to ring home. I’m so sorry but can’t lose my job’. Lowest point of parenting- worse that I didn’t even watch him go in I just ran to the car (feel sick even saying that).

IF you can’t change anything (the days or hours), I’d advise a few days off for some breathing space and also look at all threads on mn relating to life hacks, overwhelm, cleaning etc, also ease up on yourself and remember the house doesn’t need to be perfect, it’s about you and the kids not being miserable xxxxxxx (big hugs)

It's absolutely OK to find it difficult, especially after such a big change in time away from home. Don't assume everyone else is breezing through.

I think asking manager if 2 days pw WFH on a temp basis is possible would be a good idea, as you say.