Schools handing of assault on my Y10 daughter

[marshamallow321]

Hi. My 14 year old daughter was assaulted by another student in school which was filmed so planned. This girl dragged her off her chair by hair and started kicking her. A male teacher struggled pulling this girl off. The police have been called and I have a meeting with them next week. This girl was suspended for 1 week only and is now back in school and back in all the same classes as my daughter. Schools response is they’ll keep them at opposite sides of the class. My daughter decided she would return to school this morning as she’s been off for a few days scared. She’s messaged me saying the teacher is refusing to let her leave the class as she’s anxious as this girl keeps watching her and the teacher said “I’m sure you can make it until the end”
I went and pulled her out of school.
Is this normal? The handling of this by the school?
I’ve sent them an emails since Tuesday with no response but they confirmed whilst I was there today they have them. A bit of acknowledgment would be nice.
Can this school assure me this highly reactive girl isn’t carrying something dangerous holding a grudge and waiting for her moment? What are they doing to protect my daughter when they’re all moving from lesson to lesson because I can guarantee it’s nothing. I’ve sent another message but again no response as of yet.
what else can I do? Am I overreacting?
sorry for any mistakes in the message. I’m rather worked up.

Im not surprised you are angry and worried. I would send another email quoting the school safeguarding policy and cc the chair of governors. Both details are available on the school website.

That's awful, definitely not overreacting. I feel for your daughter having to deal with this. I would want the girl removed from your daughter's classes as how can your daughter's safety be guaranteed when the teacher can't be everywhere at once. Could you arrange a face to face meeting with the head to discuss? I would push this as far as you possibly can. In terms of the police, unfortunately they will probably do very little due to the girl's age but a slap on the wrist but do still speak to them to have this on file as I doubt it will be the first or last time the girl does something like this to others.

I remember kids fighting all the time when I was in secondary school and there was never any of this drama.

Obviously the filming is a new/separate issue, but calling the police for two kids having a scrap seems insane, and a sure fire way to make it a bigger, scarier issue than it is in the kids' minds.

As for 'protecting your daughter' when they're moving between lessons...kindly OP, what do you expect them to do? She can't have a bodyguard for the rest of her school life. Your daughter can learn how to protect herself though!

Request a copy of the school safe guarding policy and an formal letter outline what the school are doing to make sure that the girls are apart AT ALL TIMES. Send your email to the head, the form tutor, the safe guarding lead. Make it clear that you need the plan of how they know that your girl's bully won't get the opportunity to attack her again. Given them a deadline, like next Wednesday to get things in place.

School should have a child on child abuse risk assessment in place, I’d be insisting on seeing this.

Have you informed the police?

My DD is also 14 and was assaulted on Monday. The girl in question had messaged my DD on snapchat over the weekend threatening to get her after school, telling her to watch out and sending a series of fist emojis. She showed me upset and I advised she screenshot the messages and block her which she did. I told school on Monday morning but the girl had already turned up to school and threw a bottle of water all over my DD. School suspended her for the day. She then waited for my DD at the school gates after school and punched her twice in the back of the head and kept ramming her bike into DD’s legs. DD phoned me while it was happening, was very upset and I asked her to turn back and go into school.

The school subsequently extended the suspension for the week and asked me to inform the police which I did. I didn’t expect anything from the police whatsoever because I have an older DS who was randomly assaulted on the way home by another boy from school a couple of years ago and the police just had a word with him. Anyway, they’ve taken it very seriously and said it’s mostly because she threatened DD beforehand, planned to wait for her then executed the threat. They have said she has to fulfil an education programme and if she doesn’t complete it, they will prosecute.

The school should do similar in your situation. This girl had a lot of prior suspensions/detentions/reset etc so is well known to be trouble, not sure if the girl who assaulted your DD is the same. She was also known to the police already so maybe helped the case too. But definitely inform the police either way. Hope your DD is ok, it’s bloody horrible.

@Sartrethe OP literally says she has phoned the police and has a meeting with them next week

Sorry, missed it. I hope the police help you out OP. School should be suspending the girl for a week and should ensure they’re kept separate going forward.

I'm sorry your DD has experienced this, it sounds really distressing.

It being filmed doesn't necessarily mean it was planned - kids can whip out a phone at the drop of a hat. Do you know why she assaulted your DD?

The school may think it was a one-off, and I'm afraid that not much thought can go into the impact on the victim so if you want her removed from your DD's lessons (reasonably) then you will need to push this further.

If you are getting no joy through the usual channels (safeguarding lead, headteacher) then you can follow the school complaints procedure which should be on the school website.

This is awful. I cannot believe that they are asking your daughter to sit in classes with this girl. My friend had a similar experience where her daughter was bullied and then the boy was allowed to remain in the same class. In the end her DD had to pull out of the class as the school refused to move the bully. Terrible
Personally and this sucks btw I'd just move my DD as this girl is clearly a bad egg and the school is doing sfa

Was the girl arrested?

I would email the investigating officer about your safeguarding concerns and cc the school so that they can see.

If they were adults the attacker would have bail conditions not to contact the victim.

I think it's absolute madness involving the police for an after school fight unless something serious has happened. Kids have been telling eachother they'll 'get them after school' since the year dot.

Bad kids will see it as a badge of honor, good kids will be terrified. 'Criminalising' them early. Ridiculous.

I had a fight with a boy who waited for me after school once. We got a day's suspension and a weeks detention (lunch and after school) stuck in a room together cleaning marker pen of desks and chairs.

I agree there have always been fights in school, but to drag someone off their chair for a kicking is nottwo lads in the playground having a scrap, it just isn’t. Also, we’re not in the ‘80s now when bullying wasn’t taken seriously.
I think you did the right thing, OP, your daughter’s safety is paramount. School should be taking this much more seriously.

You need to be clear in your meeting that you want a plan about how they are going to safeguard your daughter. If you don’t get a suitable plan, follow the school’s complaint policy which should be on the website, quoting behaviour expectations (from behaviour policy) and their safeguarding/child protection policy. At this stage, copying in governors is unhelpful - if it gets to a complaint to them, they need to look at it cold - and anyone who has seen other emails shouldn’t look at the complaint. Thus reduces the number of volunteers who could look at it,

Your school must have been really shit if this was considered normal and acceptable. Why did your parents not intervene and sent you to a different school?

It’s interesting hearing the “you’re overreacting, kids will be kids” versus “this is awful, she should have the book thrown at her and school should do more”.

Generally speaking I err on the side of children are far too molly coddled these days, especially by MN standards. But I do think this is an instance where modern times are probably better than olden times. It’s not acceptable for anyone to be physically assaulted by anyone else, children or not.

Just as you’d separate 7yo boys who are fighting, these girls should also be separated. That’s on the school, and it sounds like they’re doing that to the extent a school can. But I also would be working on my DD at home: I think taking time off from school for being scared, calling on the teacher to be released from class early because she was feeling anxious….this was ridiculous really. Time to toughen up. Shit happens to people all the time, life goes on and it’s not up to the world to rearrange itself around you. This sort of overreaction just feeds a mentality that kicks off a vicious cycle of victimhood and anger and injustice and self-righteousness. Yes it was terrible, no it shouldn’t have happened, but that’s literally life for humans on earth.

The child was suspended for a week and reported to the police. If this had happened to my child I’d be telling her to stick close to her friends, put it behind her, keep a careful watch out, but move on now. Let it be a lesson there are crap people out there and you have to look out for yourself. I’d also be asking for a meeting with the school to hear what their plan is, if any, send them a written summary of the meeting afterwards - and that’s it. I’d also be keeping a careful eye out.

If one of your work colleagues dragged you out of your chair and started kicking you, there's no way you would happily go and sit in the same office as them the following week.
I don't see why it's so different because they are 14 or 15 and not 18 or 19.

It was pretty shit! I went to a rough school until I was about 14 because we lived in a rough area. My parents took us out of it when I was halfway through year nine because my dad started earning a lot of money, so we emigrated and my sibling and I went to a private school in Europe. Guess what? Still fights! (Nowhere near as many, granted and never girls).

Before that there weren't really a lot of options, just other rough schools. Where should they have moved us to? Both parents were out for work by 8am, I took my younger sibling to school. We went to the one that was walking distance. Not everyone has the privilege of choice.

You say 'normal and acceptable' like fights were part of the curriculum. It was hardly acceptable, but you can't stop kids scrapping after school.

And if we're saying that a few playground fights are reason enough to uproot a kids education, split them up from their mates etc with a new school...well it's no wonder so many of them have such little resilience these days.

I’m sorry but it’s not a “fight” when one person pulls the other one off a chair and starts kicking them (while filming it is even more disturbing). It’s an assault. Which of course needs to be reported.

Do you mean fights though (where two people get into an argument and THEN maybe one hits the other, but it’s provoked on both sides) or do you mean assaults where someone is sitting there and gets dragged off their chair and kicked. They are different!!

I went to a rough school and I know the difference. There were fights sure, there were also times where one person got attacked and that was always reported. The police got involved once when some boys chased my friend and I with a knife and cut off her hair. SURELY you can tell the difference between that and a “fight”?

We set all kinds of higher standards for adults than we do for kids. If an adult college did that to me they'd have to deal with the adult consequences.

As I said upthread, I was made to clean graffiti off chairs with a boy I had a fight with in school. We didn't so much as look at eachother the first day, by the end of the week we were pals.

Absolutely terrible of the school. But as a parent you shouldn’t be sending her in to school where she isn’t safe. If she genuinely feels scared and in danger then keep her home (home learning) until something suitable is in place. You might need to pay for tuition etc so she doesn’t fall behind while arrangments are made.
It is really bad but I don’t think the school can manage absolutely everything that is thrown at them, there’s so much they have to contend with and at the end of the day it is your job to keep her physically safe and ensure she has suitable education. What does your daughter want to happen?

I mean, if someone dragged me off a chair by my hair and started kicking me I'd be in a fight with them, just the same as if we'd met face to face in the playground. Not everyone fights fair, that's why I think all children should learn how to defend themselves.

Either way, they weren't treated any differently when I was in school in terms of involving the police... although we didn't have phones, knives etc back then. Obviously if one lad jumped another and battered him, he'd be the only one getting in trouble, as opposed to two lads who'd arranged a fight after school.

My younger sibling was being bullied by a Sixth Former once. He was twice the size of me so I punched him as hard as I could when he wasn't looking. Is that an assault?

You are so right. If we wouldn't accept this kind of behavior from adults, why on earth would we accept it from kids? And these kids are already teenagers, so old enough to know better, not toddlers having a tantrum.

I think the filming takes it up a notch as it gains notoriety for the bully who then often feels the need to live up to top dog status.
If my child had attacked another like this my god their feet wouldn’t be out the door except for school and their phone would be in my possession. I would be having very strong words with them alongside consequences which would make them more bothered about my reaction than that of their peers.
I sincerely hope the parents of the bully deal with her appropriately ie loss of privileges and a dose of menial tasks and definitely no phone.
I would be furious at such disgusting behaviour. It wasn’t a fight, a scrap, it was an attack and planned.