Retired at 46

[Zizi444]

I left my p/t job of 30+ years at 46 years old. I have a teenager in college and one in year 6. My eldest is a wheelchair user with a rare condition. I left my job after a very stressful year when my parents died and I'd had an emergency op, to care for my daugter through a prolonged illness. Thankfully she is now fine but she does need extra help and it's very different from having an able-bodied child.

I do everything at home/kids-related, school pick ups, hospital appointments (there are a lot) sort bills and any admin/banking, take dog, and this has always been the case, working or not. Partner works and bins out and cuts grass does odd bits and bobs.

I could return to work, but only during school hours or with a fair bit of flexibility but I don't really want to. I enjoy the peace and everything not being a mad rush. I'm doing an OU degree, and the house is clean and tea is made from scratch every day. Luckily, I don't need to work financially, but I do feel guilty not working. I feel awkward and uncomfortable when people ask what I do, and I often state my old job. Would you feel guilty not working? Is being just a mum not enough? This is entirely coming from me and my partner/kids do not mind if I work or not. I also do worry that by not working, I'm setting a bad example to the kids. Any thoughts?

In your circumstances I absolutely wouldn't feel any guilt, no. And like others I'd consider you a carer rather than retired.

I say enjoy it! Also if anyone asks and you feel like parenting and housekeeping won't be enough for them say you are a student.
Or make business cards that say
Zizi444
Matriarch & Scholar
Don't call me I'll call you

You’re a carer that a full time job!

I don't think you should feel guilty about anything especially as there is no financial issue. You are supporting your family in different ways and I imagine in doing so it makes it better for your husband to focus on his work as well. If you feel like taking part time work again later down the line you can, but I would definitely be feeling no guilt here.
I am a carer myself but for my DH, I also work 30hrs in a demanding job, I do have to work, its a juggle sometimes especially when he is particularly in need of extra support- if I didn't have to earn I wouldn't, but my circumstances are different. There's nothing at all wrong with what you're doing.

OP taking on all the caring responsibilities enables her husband to be able to work full time. Otherwise they would have to split the earning and caring between them.

Having a disabled child does change things for me in terms of pulling your weight in the family

although I would say having a disabled child statistically puts you at much greater risk of separation. How financially secure are you really

I wouldn’t feel guilty. Your OP lists a LOT and parenting a child with disabilities brings a lot with it. If you feel financially secure, and your time is allowing you both to do all the appointments/admin and giving you a chance to do something for you, go with it. But equally, if boredom is creeping in, yes, look at jobs again or even volunteering opportunities.

Would you feel guilty not working? No

Is being just a mum not enough? For a lot of people - yes, for me - no.

If you're happy and comfortable and fulfilled then there's nothing wrong with it.

I am a maniac though who loves to work, I love having a career and at 46 I still feel like I've got a long way to go yet. However, it's a stressful life - with high pressure, and lots of travel and lots of juggling. I sometimes wish it was easier but I love my job.

Partner or husband?
Keep an eye on your own financial independence and long term financial security.
Nothing wrong with studying and caring for your family - but don't leave yourself exposed and dependant.

You are not classed as retired for fiscal reasons you would be classed as economically inactive, you are classed as a carer and SAHP.

Really being retired means you can draw a pension so that’s aged 55 plus as a workplace pension can be drawn from that age though it’s rising to 57 in 2 years. Apparently officially a pensioner is state pension age.

Oh, please drop the disabled family doom and gloom - particularly without any additional context to suggest things could be on the rocks. Yes, it’s sensible to ensure that OP has security behind her, but no need to tie it up with “your marriage is DOOMED” predictions.

Actually you are a full time parent with carer responsibilities. That is a full time job with no holidays or evenings or weekends off.

My husband took voluntary redundancy in the summer at 54. He can pull his pension now at 55. This was only due to a tragedy in his family and insurance policies that paid out. He still went through the trauma of losing someone 5 plus years ago.

For me I’m working at 52, but struggling with a ND diagnosis and a work whom I am not finding supportive. We have 3 children.

One who works and lives independent and is very difficult in some respects (autistic and severe ticks and ways of doing things) we love him but he can be hard work after an hour, very limited social skills despite decades of help and support. We aren’t carers for him, but we need to keep an eye on him and his self care etc

We have another one also ND at a university and have to support with autism and ADHD. Socially they have groups and pockets and training in a demanding field and thriving.

We have a third at secondary who is autistic and ADHD and doing well but needs to be dropped off, picked up and socially and emotionally supported - as all children with additional challenges.
I have an autoimmune disease, arthritis, mild heart disease and I’m ND. I’m 52. I can take my pension at 55 but actually my husband has just applied for a part time local job so I can leave as work are being difficult with me and adjustments.
We have two horses, 3 dogs, an allotment and Pilates classes with both enjoy and I go to knitting and crafting club.
We have done our research and know that historically we have been defined by career, by degrees, by attainment but actually everyone retired and leaves or dies in the end and no one really remembers them except family.

I don’t know you specific situation but our children are all ND and need us so that’s a life job. But we looked into all the data on the ‘keep working and you will live longer’ etc but at what cost to mental and emotional health?

People that judge you for what job you do! Seriously 😦 in my knitting group we have a barrister, dentist, vet, teachers and a woman who is a compost expert - I like listening about their working days but also like talking to Meg who has two kids and is a single parents and has never worked - she’s fab - not her real name!

I did not say or even weakly imply her marriage is doomed. Good grief

i do say that every woman should consider her independent financial security and the facts don’t lie / parents with disabled children are much more likely to split

To answer your questions from my opinion:

Would you feel guilty not working? Yes and not being Independant and relying on a man when I didn’t have to.

Is being just a mum not enough? No. It’s not how I choose to define myself and my worth is more than just my kids.

This is entirely coming from me and my partner/kids do not mind if I work or not. I also do worry that by not working, I'm setting a bad example to the kids. Yes. Showing them that you are Independant and that a woman’s life isn’t dependant on a man.

46 is young and not a normal retirement age.

Make sure you aren’t so happy being relaxed you forget things can change …

… do you have your own pension? Will it be adequate if your dh dies young to support you and your disabled dc?

… do you have a financial plan in the event Dh leaves you?

…do you have a financial plan in the event your husband goes on LT sick and can’t earn an income?

It is entirely up to you and your dh to decide what’s right for your family. You have a lot on your plate with disabled dc.

I really get annoyed when SAHMs justify their existence based on cooking and cleaning! Working parents don’t all live in squalor eating microwave meals and beige oven-ready crap.

Dh and I work FT and have two kids. I cook dinner from scratch every day. Im usually up at 6.15 doing meal prep. Our house is cleaned - by us, and we pay for a cleaner.

But every situation is different and I’m aware of the many ways i am fortunate and also unfortunate.

Count your blessings and enjoy your life.

You’re a carer/sahp, not retired.

You're a carer. If you're rich, own your own property and have a pension/money for the rest of your life it's fine.

Not sure why people are mentioning a husband and potential divorce, when you've written 'partner'.

You are not retired, you have chosen to become a SAHM, and thats absolutely fine. I haven't worked since I was 40 either. No regrets. There is much to be said for a stress free life if finances allow.

You could call it a career break. Enjoy OP 😊

You're not retired, you're a SAHM, and an unmarried SAHM at that. That is a very vunerable position to put yourself in. What is you plan B if your DP leaves, dies, becomes unwell, or doesn't wish to support you once your children leave home? Have you paid enough years in to be eligible for a full state pension (whatever that might look like in 2047)?

That last sentence was going so well until the second half 🤦‍♀️. Completely agree that independent financial security is important (whether it’s by wages, savings, pensions whatever) but please stop bandying about stats about how precarious families with disabled families are. It’s a postscript that isn’t needed. The rest of it is enough to get the point across.

Give yourself a break, you are working full time, at home! Just not being paid.

I would maybe think about studying for something that enables you to do some part time work from home. Not because you need to but maybe it’s just something for you and means you could also save a bit of money also in case your home situ ever changes.

It sounds like you have had a really hard time of it recently. I don't blame you for wanting time out.

I personally would absolutely hate to have nothing in my life except for caring for other people, I wouldn't feel guilty for not working but I would feel resentful. I much prefer working and sharing the domestic duties - but that's just me. It doesn't matter what other people think, it's about you and your family

Well done on making this decisio and stepping off a treadmill, for now it sounds right for you and your family. Good luck with your OU studies which can take you into a whole new career if you want them to. I did a BPS approved BSc Pscyhology degree with OU then a full time MSc. at Nottingham.

you might find it useful to explore NI contributions and if they are still credited if you have school age children this will go towards state pension eventually. I don’t know if carers allowance is something you can claim. Useful to know though.
i learnt belatedly that previous work provided you with many, many skills that are transferable to others roles. If you feel you might want to use your OU studies for a career change this time may be ideal to gain new experiences.
Do what is right for you.

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