Is it ME? A Blooming DH one

[Catwalkhorsewalk]

I was away for a long weekend-not fun, stressful duty thing. This meant that I was barely at home since Thursday morning due to work commute.

I cleaned the house before I left and did loads of washing. I left a load in the tumble dryer-on-anyone could have heard it was on-and seen-it’s obvious when there are things in our dryer. AND you have to walk past it 200 times a day.

The one thing I requested the family do was to unpack some parcels. I gave clear instructions.

They knew I’d get in late, unpack, bed, straight back to work tomorrow morning.

DH has slammed out of the house because I didn’t say hello properly and sit down and chill with the family.

There was a load of rubbish in the front garden , turning into a pulpy mess. Next to the bin. I put it in the bin.

walked past the unopened parcels, and opened them and put them away.

walked past the tumble dryer. Emptied it of the clothes that had been there since Thursday. They weren’t completely dry, so need washing again as smell.

walked past the laundry bin and took a load of washing to the wash g machine and set it so I could empty and hang it up before I start work tomorrow.

dh says it’s obvious I’m looking for problems and bringing the mood down and why can’t I be pleased with the one thing he’s done? Like a pat on the back ( he’s actually added to my workload by doing this in a haphazard way too, but I’m not going to mention that)

I know I’m probably an arse, but ffs-I’ve just shouted that I am fine, I’m just busy, and I’m not the bloody slave.

DH and family need to up their game.

Apparently he’s not a mind reader-it’s all my stuff isn’t it? The dull and boring adult stuff.

I’d be heading back out again. You obviously haven’t been away long enough for them to get how much you do.

Hmm. You are acting like the slave though arent you? Why didnt you walk in and sit down. They didnt do the jobs, so why are you cleaning up the mess? What would happen if you just reiterated what needed to happen and left them to it?

Time to talk about distribution of the jobs amongst the family

That’s infuriating OP. It’s another level of laziness and inconsiderateness.

Not acceptable.

Why prioritise unpacking over sitting down with the family?

Well her dh has not prioritised lessening the chores by doing what he was asked, which isn’t much over 4 days.
He’s deflecting because he knows he has been a lazy arse.

I hate this. Lazy sods especially your h. Then the people who do all the work are called nags.

Your h is a spoiled child. Sorry. You didn’t get lucky there.

It is very easy to walk in to a house and spot everything that hasn’t been done and ignore the things that have. That is one of the many down sides of house work.

Because as well as her unpacking she has to short out all the shit her family haven't managed to do while she's been away. She can't do EVERYTHING. If they want her to sit down when she gets home, lighten her load so she can actually sit down when she gets home from work.

Let DH sort his own parcels and laundry. Children depending on age. Lower your service

Stop being a martyr! I know how it feels because I can be one too.
Stop doing so much for them. Start only doing your own washing.
Every one has different levels of cleanliness...my DH started asking me 'what would you like me to do?' I asked what he thought needed doing, rather than say the hoovering or clean the bathroom....he responded with 'I don't really think anything needs doing.'
He doesn't see mess the same way I do. I now only do the things that bother me...I don't do the ironing or the washing for anyone else as they always say their clothes don't need ironing.
Yes, it is very irritating when they don't do the few things that you have asked them to, but don't be a martyr and rush to do everything.

How depressing. Another post about a DH that thinks chores are optional for him then has a go at his wife when she's understandingly frustrated. He's a manchild.

The tumble dryer thing is annoying but honestly you sound like you came home tired and grumpy and went looking for things to be pissed off about.

My DH can be like this sometimes (and I do all the housework and laundry). He can come home ratty and immediately find something to be moody about or pick fault with. I don’t tolerate it.

That said, I would have told them to make sure the laundry was done by the time I got home from work the next day. Also, why is there a pile of rubbish in your front garden? Who put it there and why?

It's not you. DH knew he'd messed up but instead of apologising, he made out that he was somehow the victim.

Have you asked him why there was soggy rubbish in the garden and the parcels were still unpacked? What did he say?

I had to be away for a week recently, leaving DH with 2 primary aged children. I was slightly dreading what I'd come home to especially on the washing front, as he is absolutely useless about it. However he had sorted it all! Was a lovely surprise but hasn't lasted - I'm chronically ill but still having to crawl out of bed to ensure washing gets done.
Your family need to be more involved in household management - on a regular basis, so if you are away it's dealt with.

Ok , the rubbish in the front garden was the result of the one thing he did “for me”.

No idea why the parcels that were items the whole family needed, but I had ordered weren’t unpacked. I’m assuming the family had better things to do. Teens.

I am working from home today, so I’ll be doing the laundry in what would be my commute time and lunch time.

I wasn’t cross! I came home and saw all the things that needed doing and did them. Then I would have sat down and did what I really wanted to do, which was talking to the family. I didn’t moan or nag. But by “doing” I was “nagging”. And then I did lose my temper. So now he’s been up all night and it’ll be my fault.

But, yes, the thing about housework is that you can always see it, at least I can. DH and the kids don’t care. But they’ve got their own rooms to go to, I only have the communal space. DH wfh requires special equipment so he has a room. I work wherever no one else is.

Anyway, thanks for the solidarity and the pointing out the martyr bit! I know, I know. I just didn’t want a row. I’d have rather just done the jobs and then chilled. But apparently I’ve got my priorities wrong.

I saw this on another thread here and it stopped me in my tracks - after years of thinking “ah men don’t see mess” this hit hard https://zawn.substack.com/p/why-household-chore-inequity-is-abuse and this one https://www.zawn.net/blog/household-chore-inequity-is-abuse-a-manifesto

"...I don't do the ironing or the washing for anyone else as they always say their clothes don't need ironing."

Mine say this. DH is adamant he has a special way of flapping his stuff and laying it so it 'dries flat' . Fair enough, go around looking like a creased paper bag then..!

I appreciate that it’s annoying for you, but as you’re WFH today, couldn’t you have done those things today rather than last night?

He’s been solo parenting since last Thursday and when you come home the first thing you do is walk around the house pointing out the things that haven’t been done. If my DH did that to me I’d be pretty pissed off!

If I’m going to do the things, I will do them when I want to do them. I’d have found it difficult to relax knowing I still had chores. I suppose I could have asked the family to do them, but I’m not the Team Leader!

wanted to get everything out of the way so all I had to do today was the things I usually do on a work day. Like work. (And do chores in my lunch and commute time).

anyhow, he’s also working from home, and still in bed. I’ve just made a coffee and getting back to work.

Thanks for the solidarity!

It's not you OP. It's called weaponised incompetence and is designed to stop you asking for help in future by grinding you down. If that sounds familiar then look it up. I ended up divorcing mine as I decided I couldn’t live like that for the next thirty years and once you see their tactic it's hard to ignore.

Edit - your cross post has proved my point. Instead of helping with household chores he's sleeping in, and you are quietly getting on with things without asking for help or even delaying until he gets up. He's won.

I do more than that when my DH is away and I’m disabled and have a lot of pain … your DH and kids need to step up.
in. All honest though, I do tend to ask the kids to do stuff and they do it, they never go looking for it though. I’ve learnt to do it all cheerfully as it’s received better with sugar than vinegar