Is it ME? A Blooming DH one

[Catwalkhorsewalk]

I was away for a long weekend-not fun, stressful duty thing. This meant that I was barely at home since Thursday morning due to work commute.

I cleaned the house before I left and did loads of washing. I left a load in the tumble dryer-on-anyone could have heard it was on-and seen-it’s obvious when there are things in our dryer. AND you have to walk past it 200 times a day.

The one thing I requested the family do was to unpack some parcels. I gave clear instructions.

They knew I’d get in late, unpack, bed, straight back to work tomorrow morning.

DH has slammed out of the house because I didn’t say hello properly and sit down and chill with the family.

There was a load of rubbish in the front garden , turning into a pulpy mess. Next to the bin. I put it in the bin.

walked past the unopened parcels, and opened them and put them away.

walked past the tumble dryer. Emptied it of the clothes that had been there since Thursday. They weren’t completely dry, so need washing again as smell.

walked past the laundry bin and took a load of washing to the wash g machine and set it so I could empty and hang it up before I start work tomorrow.

dh says it’s obvious I’m looking for problems and bringing the mood down and why can’t I be pleased with the one thing he’s done? Like a pat on the back ( he’s actually added to my workload by doing this in a haphazard way too, but I’m not going to mention that)

I know I’m probably an arse, but ffs-I’ve just shouted that I am fine, I’m just busy, and I’m not the bloody slave.

For me, it’s not so much the fact that things didn’t get done. Slightly irritating though it is. It’s being shouted at for doing chores when it is convenient for me, but inconvenient for him.

The kids are teens.

Team Leader or Team Dogsboddy. Pick a job. You're currently in the latter.

He's training you never to ask or expect help ever again. The shouting was ensuring you got back in your box/lane. You are confused and unsettled and next time you go away you will decide that asking him to do anything is not worth what you are feeling right now. So you won't, and that means his training has been successful.

Basically OP, you are being emotionally abused and probably have been for a long while so it's now your normal. However he overstepped this time and your eyes slightly opened. Keep looking at the whole of your relationship and see what you have blindly accepted. Once you see you can never unsee but at least you can make choices going forward.

Out of interest what does he do in the home?

Sorry - he 'slammed out of the house' and 'was up all night'?!

Where on earth did he go? What was he doing?

As a reaction to you doing some chores? WTAF?

Shouting at you is horrendous. Attacking you for doing his clean up is awful.

Shit like you have described is why I am so pleased I am single because not only do I not have to deal with a lazy arse husband, my children are also being raised to contribute towards the practicalities of keeping a home running and helping each other out and they don’t have a rubbish father who sets an example of doing fuck all.

You need to stop being the family housekeeper.

Tell them the current seperation of chores is unfair, and agree a chore chart - pin it up in the kitchen so they know what to do. You can let the kids know it's because they're old enough to take some responsibility now, and your husband that you need fairness.

And if it's not done, remind them, don't just do it yourself. If it's not done properly, point that out to them. If it's something that you need eg laundry, just do your own.

Things will only change if you force it. They're all taking you for granted

If my mum had left a list of chores to do while she was away, we would have been falling over ourselves to get them done before she came back - probably in the last hour, but they would have done. She was very good at righteous anger.

It IS. It’s about both issues. I think sometimes people (well all of us really) are so caught up in our in shit that we completely lose sight of normal or fair or whatever you want to call it.

This is not said to make you feel bad but to show a different example. My DH would never do this. Whenever he is home he is doing jobs and neither of us sit down if the other is doing something. Someone cooking dinner, the other doing washing, someone hoovering, the other putting kids to bed. We rest together. If I asked him to do something he would but he wouldn’t need asking, he has eyes.

Your DH does this to you on purpose so you’ll do everything and be too scared to even ask for help. I often wonder what life is like for these entitled twats, getting everyone else to do everything for you. I’m not a mug, I’d never put up with this. Serious chat, then refuse all labour, then I’d be done.

Ye may not be a mind reader but he is a fucking adult.

This would turn me off my partner soooo badly.

An adult shouldn’t have to be instructed to do basic things to run their own household!

Interesting. Thank you. I will go away and think hard. There’s a long way from doormat to LTB and I don’t want to be at either end of the spectrum.

You need to get your teens to pull their socks up though - regardless of what their father does or rather doesn’t do. If you have daughters don’t let them learn that it is a woman’s role to do everything and if you have sons teach them that they have a role in running a home - for the sake of their future partners.

Dgll

It is very easy to walk in to a house and spot everything that hasn’t been done and ignore the things that have. That is one of the many down sides of house work.

This is very true and I’m guilty of this, walking in and going ffs, but then it’s really the same as dh secretly thinking ‘what do you do all day’ if you’re off. Everyone thinks the other does nothing! (Saying that they probably could have got the washing done!)