Helping with money - giving some to young adult DCs (small amounts, not thousands)

[IsThisTheWaytoSlamMyPillow]

I’m just interested in other points of view on the above.

I know my adult DCs who are early 20s aren’t flush with spare money and feel conflicted about whether it’s nice to help out, or controlling/patronising.

I’m not meaning thousands but smaller amounts here and there, or treating them to something ‘just because’. I can afford to give some here and there and hate to think of them struggling.

I’ve also been a young adult in the same situation and don’t know if I’d have welcomed a bit of extra money sometimes or a ‘just because’ treat (e.g. a restaurant voucher / random experience voucher) or whether I’d have felt annoyed, patronised or obligated in some way. Whilst I don’t like to think of them having to watch their spending and limp to payday, it’s also part of growing up isn’t it?

I would have been grateful for this at this age/in that situation. I’m nearly 40 and things are a bit tight at the moment and I still would! Eg whenever we go out for dinner with in-laws they always pay, which I’m always grateful for.

I help out where I can. I grew up with no help whatsoever financially and it was very tough. My children adults now know that I’ll help them. Bills etc. treats. I think it gives a security and I like to provide. It’s who I am

Bloody bell - I do all the time without even thinking!

same as my beloved parents did for me

Do they work? Live with you?

I do this all the time with my two.

It's definitely a nice thing to do and a few little treats here and there are lovely. Other than paying for meals out though, we generally put money into their pensions as I think in the long term they'll get more benefit from it.

It’s a lovely thing to do and my mum still does it for me now on occasions and I’m 50! x

Nice unless it some with strings attached/comments on spending in which case it's then veering into manipulation which will damage the relationship long term (even if the cash is appreciated in the moment!)

Aw your Mum sounds lovely. ❤️

It’s a lovely thing to do. The only possible downside is that they come to expect it. I don’t think my adult children have ever paid for a round of drinks. Good old Dh automatically goes up and pays 🙄

My kids are not struggling, they live at home, they work full time, make a very minimal financial contribution to the household, they can very comfortably save at least £1000/month.
We invite them to join us for dinner (we pay) and for some holidays with us where we ask them to contribute by paying for their flights - after that it's pretty much all inclusive - we pay for the hotels and restaurants. It's always us that put our hands in our pocket to pay. When we eat out with our parents we pay too - ever since they retired - so that's about 20 years.
Very occasionally one of them will offer to pay for a coffee or an ice cream, it's always a lovely surprise, just something to acknowledge they need to make an occasional contribution too. But it doesn't happen often.😂

Are they ever thinking of buying a home? If so I'd suggest they open a LISA & then top it up as and when you can to help them build a deposit.
When I was in my early 20s a small cash gift here and there would have been easily frittered away / spent on the odd takeaway or taxi home rather than night bus. Whereas if I'd have an extra £5k for my deposit on first flat I'd have saved over £100/month in interest because the interest rate would have been lower.

Yes not easy op. Our daughter nearly 20 her vets placement is unpaid so we try and help where we can. She does appreciate it

Ah, thanks everyone! I’m so glad to see all the replies - I’d been way overthinking it, and worrying whether it’d get misunderstood.

It’s reassuring that those thoughts are just me overthinking, and so I’ll carry on gifting and treating! There’s DEFINITELY no conditions attached.

I do lots of bits for DSs like pay for dinner or buy something (small) just because I saw it and thought they'd like, but I wouldn't give them cash unless it was for something specific as a gift.

We've just started LISAs for oldest GC to help them onto the housing ladder at some time. We have made it clear that's what it's for and there is a penalty for removing money. If they weren't on side with that we wouldn't do it. Maybe we are wrong making conditions but then they can say no thanks.

I bought both my kids a season ticket on their Oyster cards when they started working. We’re in London and cost of living is so high, I wanted to give them something that wasn’t ‘just’ money but that would help in a similar way

I also get m and s vouchers for credit card spend that I give to them (small amounts) as I know they will only be buying cheap food and I like the idea of them having a treat every now and then!

One of my great pleasures in life is being able to help my niece during tough times, just like my mother helped me. A bag of groceries, putting petrol in her tank (her favourite treat), tickets for the zoo, etc.

I send my son shopping from time to time (he’s 22) Usually, I tell him it’s on the way so he can let me know what he wants. Sometimes, I’ll pick out some random bits like loo roll/dishwasher tablets and send them
over as he lives in a shared house and he needs to chip in. I just like to help him out 🤷‍♀️

I do this all the time, normally when ds is getting to the end of the month and there's too many days until payday. He lives over 300 miles away so paying for a takeaway or his bus fare etc just helps him out .

Yes that’s what I think happens. We have helped our children a lot but they just expect us to pay for things and one in particular hasn’t shown much gratitude. I’ve stopped doing it now unless it’s something they desperately need and can’t fund. I think adult children need to learn self reliance . If the Bank of mum and dad doles out too often they take it for granted.

I think the trick is to manage to do this without them expecting or relying on it so they don’t develop other strategies. It’s nice to treat adult DC but not so nice when they are reliant on you and asking for money all the time rather than managing within their own means. My DD is 18 and I am just picking my way through this now. I think I have a tendency to over help her and that it’s not great for her developing independence

My parents would be happy to treat us now and then but they didn’t have enough to be first port of call. My Dsis and I find it odd that our respective DHs often have borrowing or asking for money from family high up the list of things to do when there’s a financial problem whereas we would both find that wrong and embarrassing.

My Dad's attitude to this is completely different for me (and DH) than it is for DSis and her DH.

I don't think I've ever paid for dinner when out with my parents, but we've always gone ready to pay (and mean it). DSis and her DH will choose an expensive restaurant, order expensive wine and sit back and wait for DPs to pay. Dad avoids going to dinner with them now.

I absolutely wont ever be able to help my adult children ever but a house, but l do have more spreading money then them so im happy occasionally to send them a small amount like £30 so they can top up thier budget, have a meal out whatever.

My parents have helped me out in the past & I really appreciated it. It’s just reminded me of the time many years ago when I asked my parents for a Dyson vacuum for Christmas as mine had just died. Incidentally my brother asked for the same thing! My dad ordered us both one and said it was instead of an advent calendar as we couldn’t be having a vacuum cleaner for Christmas. I was so excited when it arrived & appreciated it so much.