Helping with money - giving some to young adult DCs (small amounts, not thousands)

[IsThisTheWaytoSlamMyPillow]

I’m just interested in other points of view on the above.

I know my adult DCs who are early 20s aren’t flush with spare money and feel conflicted about whether it’s nice to help out, or controlling/patronising.

I’m not meaning thousands but smaller amounts here and there, or treating them to something ‘just because’. I can afford to give some here and there and hate to think of them struggling.

I’ve also been a young adult in the same situation and don’t know if I’d have welcomed a bit of extra money sometimes or a ‘just because’ treat (e.g. a restaurant voucher / random experience voucher) or whether I’d have felt annoyed, patronised or obligated in some way. Whilst I don’t like to think of them having to watch their spending and limp to payday, it’s also part of growing up isn’t it?

I always tell ds to charge his MOT tax and insurance to us as part of his Christmas present. We always pay for dinner out, though he may leave the tip or get a round in. We always pay for family events that he is only going to out of politeness like a funeral that needs a hotel stay. We often shove some cash in his phone holder if we get the chance. We can afford it, we have more money than him, why would we not.
And bless him my 88 year old Dad still treats us whenever we are not quick enough to circumvent it.

I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing to struggle for money in your early 20s. It teaches you to budget and prioritise what really matters. Could you save the little amounts back for a larger amount in a few years time to allow them to build skills but it could also help towards a car/house deposit etc further down the line.

it’s the most natural thing in the world (or should be) to treat your children, as often as you like l, if you have the means

My parents were just normal working class people and helped me and my brother out now and again with unexpected expenses and I happily do the same for my son and daughter. I can afford to, it’s my money and I’ll do what I like with it. They’re the 2 beneficiaries of my will so will get what’s left anyway

The expecting to pay thing is a little unpleasant. I’m not keen on our kids assuming we’ll pay the deposit for their first house - they have to learn to take responsibility for their finances and not spend like they don’t have a care in the world. I have seen it too many times and we won’t bank roll our kids if they start behaving irresponsibly with their money - there are strings attached, we have to work and they have to work and we all have to live within our means - we won’t subsidise a hedonistic lifestyle. Money is not the language of love. It would be very easy for us to win easy favours and give them loads but it wouldn’t be very good for them. I realise everyone’s situation is different- but for us withholding money is the hard thing, before anyone has a go because I’m sure they will I don’t expect any sympathy for us or our kids - we don’t need it.

OP, my parents did exactly that when i got my 1st job out of uni and started renting in London. I was very good with money, and what they gave got saved as i managed day-to-day on my graduate salary. But, I also knew I had a safety net.

I am almost 50 - my mother still gifts me money. Why overthink it?

DS is early twenties and is on a very good wage, well over UK average and has zero student debt as he did a degree apprenticeship so his tuition fees were paid by his employer and he had a guaranteed job, plus he was paid while studying.

He doesn’t need any assistance with day to day expenses.

We do always pay for dinner and we will be assisting with a house deposit. We have never told him though and he has made a decent effort to save. It’s just a case now of how much when the time comes as DH and I disagree with the amount to be given.

Such a nice thread. My parents and in laws expect us to pay every single time because we somehow “owe them” because they chose to have us. Even if we do pay, it’s accompanied by snide remarks and jibes about how it doesn’t touch the surface of what they have done for us.

despite my parents being worth multi multi millions, and us struggling on a single wage with expensive childcare. We don’t see them that often anymore.

God that's so weird! What a strange attitude.

We help our kids a lot, we can afford to and it gives us pleasure to see the money making their lives easier/more pleasant. It'll only end up with them anyway.

They are appreciative though, I wouldn't like it if they took it for granted. They do get the occasional round in ... prob not enough though 😁

@Polyesteredthat makes me so sad. We help our DC wherever we can and always pick up the bill. We have two adults and a teen, the older ones are good to her and spoil her at her birthday, Christmas, just because etc and we really appreciate that. If she goes to stay overnight we often treat them all to a take away or a bag of food from M&S.

I think most parents do this….I pay for all family meals….I pay for shows….I pay for accommodation if we go away …..I buy them clothes ….just because I can and it makes me happy….my mums 89 ….she still buys me stufff and pays for holidays for us….all my friends do this

My dad noticed I had a few more spots than normal 😅 was worried I was run down from working 12hr shifts. It was because I had downgraded my cleansing balm due to cost. He got me the large one and told him to tell him when it runs out ❤️

My parents have been so kind to me I hope to do the same with my children. Cash to spend how they need/want is much better than a voucher for an experience as they might be struggling for food or something and need that more than a zoo trip. I can’t understand why they might find it patronising.

Apart from helping DS by paying for a new boiler in the house he bought, we haven't given him any money since he moved out.

We do invite him for Sunday dinner quite often as he's sometimes in the area.

Apart from that, I just check in with him that he's OK financially when I know he's had a big/unexpected bill. He's recently had to spend quite a bit on his car. He said he was OK. I didn't actually offer to help towards it but I think he knows we would if he was desperate.

Op surely it depends on you have you been controlling in the past ? Do they ignore you and may feel your trying to buy time with money ?
Otherwise definatly help out.

I've been up and down during twenties and thirties and dp often helped out , a food shop here and there or bunging me 100 quid here and there...not that often but I was hugely greatful.
As dp got older and divorce etc I also returned the favour ...that's what families should be able to do.

I appreciate all these responses, thank you.

Just to clarify -

no, I’ve definitely not been controlling about money or anything else

Why am I overthinking it - I don’t know 🙁 I’ve realised I’m overthinking a lot of stuff about my own relationship with my parent who recently died, and it’s not all good, which has led me to reflecting on how I am as a parent and hoping I’m doing ok.

My parent was hugely controlling, particularly about monetary ‘gifts’ which with hindsight always had conditions attached every single time. I am definitely NOT like this and have parented in an almost totally opposite way to how I was parented.

The responses here have made me see it’s completely normal and lovely - when there’s no agenda or conditions attached. The suggestion of LISAs is an excellent one which I’ll also look into.

My DCs have never suggested I’ve been controlling either and are always appreciative, taking none of it for granted. We’re really close and they and their DPs love me, genuinely like and value me, and this is reciprocated. I know I am very lucky.

Thanks all 😁 I’m going to stop overthinking all the stuff!

This is the loveliest thing I’ve read all week! What a wonderful dad you have.

I help my 2 (19 and 21) out with things like car maintenance etc.. when they need it. If I give an amount to one, I always make sure the other gets the same (even if not at the same time).

I help my DD (mid 20s) out financially on a regular basis - anything from buying her some skincare to giving her a sum of money towards her first flat deposit. My parents refused to ever support me financially - fair enough, their money, their decision. I once asked for a loan of £400 and was told no. It left me feeling very vulnerable - no safety net at all. I don't want my DD to ever feel the same way and I can afford to help her.