have you ever lost a lifelong female friendship ?

[famalam09]

I could find myself in this position. Losing a friendship that's that long must be like getting divorced in a way ?

My first and best school friend from the age of 6. We were locked at the hip (although had wider social groups as well) had a lot of fun but drifted when we went to different unis and she made it clear she didn’t like my BF (now husband of 35 years). Our life paths diverged - I had 5 children she had none - but we were still little girls having a giggle when we met up a couple of times a year. However it’s always difficult to pin her down to meet up and she cancels frequently. I have decided to let her make the next move regularly and I don’t hear from her - then I capitulate and text and she responds but never proactively asks to meet. I have recognised that I do all the chasing and she does all the swerving. How embarrassing is that - I have effectively been begging for crumbs that never materialise - so have decided accept that she’s doesnt like, want, need me and to leave the ball in her court. I am heartbroken because she is the only link to my childhood past.

Jealousy and negativity are a dreadful issue in friendships.
I’m currently feeling that from a friend ATM and sadly will have to withdraw from making any further effort. It’s a shame but at the same time you have to decide what’s best for you. I have a lovely successful family and several great friends.
She has a small family, she doesn’t keep in touch with them and no other friends. Now I’m understanding why sadly.

Not a lifelong friend, but one I was close to for about 8 years. I went through a rough patch and her behaviour towards me changed - as I was more worn down from things in my life, she seemed to shift the power dynamic - so instead of confirming plans she would tell me she would have to wait and see and not confirm it until the last minute, etc etc. It crept up gradually, but eventually I realized that every time I spoke to her, I walked away feeling bad. It was sad to end it, but it was like getting out of an abusive relationship.

Yes. Friends from 10-37.

When my daughter was born, this woman who had been my friend told me, "It's such a shame she didn't get your colouring, mixed race babies always look so scruffy."

Nope. No thank you. Never spoke to her again.

@DarkEyedSailor that is so horrible, you did the right thing, makes me so angry on your behalf.

@Middlemarch123@DarkEyedSailor oh me too, what an evil horrible woman. Good riddance to her.

@platinumanddiamonds so sad isn’t it. Looking back she was never happy for me. Wasn’t happy when I got engaged, bought a house etc. Tried to make my wedding day about her. She too has a very small family and they’re not close. She has one other friend that she claims she doesn’t even like. She probably used to say that about me 🤣

I'm on the other side of this, I'm thinking really long and hard about a current friendship. I'm tired of putting the legwork in even though I know she's trying. We're both busy and life gets in the way but it's starting to feel like a chore keeping the effort going.

Yes, very recently. And it has been a lifelong friendship in the most literal sense - she knows me better than anyone. Things have changed and her recent actions have led me to walk away, it's broken my heart, I love her & miss her.

It's every bit as painful as breaking up with your partner. I hope you don't end up in this position but things change, nothing is forever and you'll be OK if you do

Yes definitely better without a friend like that.

I had 3 best friends from the age of 5 (I'm 52), one died suddenly and unexpectedly nearly 6 years ago, one got taken by cancer a year ago next week and the other stopped speaking to me when I got pregnant 17 years ago, as she'd struggled with infertility for years and couldn't handle it. I do have other, wonderful, friends but am aware I keep people very much at arms length because my heart feels battered.

This is awful. Don't invite her to anymore parties. After 32 years I would pick up the phone and ask what the problem is?

It took me fifty years to realise friendships are mostly not ‘forever’ some may last decades, but most won’t. People come and go for different reasons, it is natural. They are situational, and it’s not personal when they don’t work out, life changes for everyone.

Of course it’s like a bereavement when friendship ends.

My oldest friend of forty six years is a very different person now, as I will be to her. If you have grown and blossomed as a person you will hopefully have changed over your life time, you may not have or need the glue that bought you together in the first place any longer, and that’s okay. Make peace with the ebbs and flows of friendship cycles.

Would absolutely agree with this. Have had the realisation over the past few years that friendships wise at least that nothing lasts forever and actually nor should you want it to as we are all changing and evolving. I used to put other friends on such pedestals and I've stopped doing this recently.

Yeah I recently ended a friendship - she would go through periods of giving me the silent treatment, not responding to messages, completely cutting me off and then acting like nothing had happened. She did it recently and I pulled her up on it and said, I contacted you six months ago and heard nothing - wondered what I'd done to deserve the silent treatment this time? She said her pet had died and I felt bad and expressed my condolences but more or less said I can't really be a good friend if I have no idea what's happening in your life. Let me know when you've got time to catch up. She didn't respond and I have a feeling I will never hear from her again because I set a boundary. Which is a relief.

Not lifelong, but a friend I made in my first job after uni who was my closest friend through until our mid 40s suddenly ghosted me. We'd been friends for over 20 years, at one point we shared a flat together. We were so close.

She met a new man who I think looked down on DH and me. He was super right wing which she wasn't, but I think she changed to fit in with him and his friends. They moved away, I kept ringing her but she didn't answer my calls. I left messages suggesting I come and see her - they'd moved about a 70 minutes drive away - but she never rang back. Then I got a Christmas card from her saying they'd bought a house (they were in a rented house) and would be moving in the New Year. No address for the new house.

And I never heard from her again. That was over 10 years ago and it still hurts. I dream about her sometimes and then wake up missing her. I think if we'd been able to have a conversation about why this happened I would have felt better. Even if she's said that she found me boring, or felt we'd grown apart. It's the not knowing why.

Yes I had a friend of 20 years that I "broke up" with. And it did feel a bit like an emotional divorce.

We were friends since secondary, at school she was best friends with me one minute and worst enemies the next, she was very popular so I was either completely isolated (once she even physically assaulted me for no other reason than to show off to a group) or the centre of the world dependant on her mood, she would also set me up with boyfriends (usually friends of her current boyfriend) and then make me dump them if we were getting too close or she'd dumped her own boyfriend. The hot and cold continued throughout our relationship, I was often an emotional punchbag, and I did tolerate some pretty horrendous abuse but we would also have a great time if she was in high spirits. She used to also use me as cover whenever she cheated on her husband, which I hated doing, but was too cowed to say anything or refuse to be complicit.

We lived 100 miles apart from our mid 20s onwards, as I'd moved away to uni and was chasing my career but used to always visit her when going back to my hometown. I always made an effort with her but she would also drop me for months on end, on a whim and then communicate with me again when she felt like it.

And then one evening (in my early/mid 30s) I was just sitting watching tv and saw her name flash up on my phone as she texted me, I hadn't even read the message and I had a full blown panic attack just from seeing her name. It was then I realised I just had to get out of the friendship, I sent her a bit of a wishy washy message saying its not you its me but I think our friendship has drifted apart and I think we should call time on the friendship. Wish you all the best etc.

Less than a year later she contacted me again (prompting another panic attack before I read the message) saying her parent was dying and she needed me, her kids missed me and didn't know what she'd done wrong. It felt like emotional blackmail.

I just snapped and sent a long ranting message of all the abuse I'd endured throughout our relationship and not to contact me again. I felt absolutley awful (since she was going through a hard time) but also I needed to get away. I probably handled it terribly but l really needed the relationship to end. She blocked me on everything after that message. I threw up after I sent it and then it properly felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

I don't wish her any ill will tbf, I hope she is happy. But I am relieved she is not in my life anymore.

Yes my best friend from university friends for 20 years. I experienced a mental health crisis and she couldn’t deal with it and went behind my back repeatedly

My friend ditched me because I got married and didn’t tell anyone. 10 years later and I’m still heartbroken

Difficult isnt it. 24 yr friend. She had a hard few years son in trouble etc. Her texts became toxic. We hugged as she bumped into me. For me the trust is gone we havent met up since. Think I keep it to hello now. Once trust goes..

I keep going over things wondering if I did something wrong, worrying I inadvertently hurt her...If I have, I hope someday I'll have the chance to make amends. Like another pp said, I wake up sad because I've been dreaming about her, and I also keep going to message her about some funny thing I've seen or heard, or done.

It'll take time to adjust although I don't think I'll ever really get over losing her.

After a 25 year friendship I came to the very painful conclusion that I was much more invested than she was. She only ever contacted me when she needed something, and would start the message with "haven't heard from you in a while..". The final straw was when we were becoming homeless, had to leave our house in several days with nowhere to go, and she replied via text "yah, things are hard for everyone" and that was it. No contact or asking about us, I unfriended her from Facebook and 2 years later she still hasn't noticed! It was really hard as we were friends from a young age.

Yes but it was for the next. Just like how relationships can outgrow one another, so can friendships. She was my best school friend. Her brother was killed in an accident when he was a teen and she was about 9. She clung onto me for friendship even though, looking back, she was a bully, I helped her through severe anorexia in her early teens and generally supported her.

She, in the meantime, would take the pee out of me if I had a new haircut or bought a new dress or shoes etc. no matter how nice I looked, she had to say something derogatory. I was kind of envious of her in many ways; she had a very wealthy upbringing, she was very attractive, had everything she wanted (apart from a brother), never had to work as everything was funded by her parents, they bought her several houses etc

This went on until around our mid 30’s and one day she rang me in tears and everything came out.. that actually she was jealous of ME and my life! That she hadn’t achieved anything herself in life but that I’d achieved lots etc etc

a few weeks later she made one last derogatory comment to me… and that was it. I blocked her and her family on everything. It was so freeing and I’ve never looked back

@MatchaMatchaMatcha it's so hard isnt it? I just want to know why. I so want to see her, just to talk about what happened and what went wrong.

It's also (sadly) made me more reticent with other friendships. I don't want to invest as I do t want to risk that emotional pain again

Yes, 20 yr friendship, she hurt me deeply & I've struggled for the last 6 years even though I still wanted her in my life but come to realisation that it hurts her not being in my life but it hurts more her being in it.