Please tell me about your neurotypical 6.5 year old daughter ❤️

[Concernfordd1]

Dd is 6.5 and is autistic. Up until now, its been all about getting her into school, milestones, speech therapy, routine, is she eating enough etc

Now I think that dd, although non verbal, is pretty close to a regular thinking 6 year old.

She has been refusing to walk and the doctors and school think that she is unhappy about something. So I will need to change her life a little.

So now we are home from hospital, my plan is:

• More cuddles and a slow, consistant wake up time (she does enjoy cuddles with me for now)

• a set routine of meals, ie monday pizza, tuesday spaghetti bol etc

• Set bedtime routine

• a wall chart to praise good behaviour, with smiley faces and small rewards (a lollipop)

• punishment which is sitting in her toddler chair for 6 mins, when she is not following rules (I will go very light on this in light of her possibly not fully understanding)

• rainbows on Mondays to be around girls her age

• swimming at the weekend, and one activity such as park or museum etc

• playing with toys that are more age appropriate, rather than the sensory toys. So barbies, dolls and buggys etc

• phonics lessons, reading biff and chip books after school

• daily chores (very very easy ones ofc) Helping set the table and and giving the cat her dry food

So my question is, what does a typical day look like for your daughter, what toys does she like and does my day sound typical to you?

I dont really know how to parent a 6yo tbh 🥺. I had some idea before I had her, and i had a much younger sister, but my focus has mostly been on the autism, rather than the child in her which I am very embarrassed to admit, and i now feel lost.

I have done some bits with her such as outings etc but she is definitely thinking now and observing other children.

We still need routine and speech and language support, and support to play with others but I must not forget that she's a 6yo kid

Sorry for the essay

❤️

Bump

I have two slightly older girls (both neurotypical) and your daily routine sounds lovely and very similar to ours at that age. My older one wasn't very into dolls, but for both of them that kind of pretend play peaked around age 6-7. They also liked puzzles, board games and crafts.

Personally, we've never used reward charts or time-out type punishments at home. I'm a teacher, and rewards work well collectively in the classroom but at home we try to promote good behaviour for its own sake. In my experience, both rewards and punishments are generally less effective with autistic kids, as their behaviour tends to be even more driven by underlying needs (as opposed to choice) than neurotypical children. I prefer logical consequences eg. if you mess around with your food, you get down from the table. (However, if they are being unkind or hurting others, the logical consequence of that can be that they have to spend some time alone in their bedrooms...) I would imagine that with your daughter the most important thing will be finding what helps her feel calm and regulated. I hope you can get some support with this if you need it.

It sounds as if you've been through a very tough time. I wish you all the best.

Sounds very similar to what my dd enjoys too.

As PP said though we don't do reward charts or time out. I would also be reluctant to give sweets as a reward for the sugar spike and because I try not to enforce the idea that food is a reward.

My daughters love craft. How about trying some craft things? Also a bit left field but have you considered riding? Horses can be extremely therapeutic and you may have a local RDA group suitable for your daughter.

My only other thing would be not to overload her with activities every day. Children need lots of time at home to decompress and time for free play (as long as that's appropriate for your DD) so I think one week day activity plus one weekend activity out of the house is more than enough.

I wouldn't do the chair for 6 minutes personally. I would make a sensory area like a tent or corner with fidget toys or peanut ball or spinning seat etc as a "calm down space". So rather than a punishment frame it as a calm place for when she's overwhelmed.
Thats probably more beneficial for her learning methods of regulating herself than a deterrent style punishment of "sit there"

My DD loves face paint/glitter tattoos/glitter nail varnish/hair chalk. She's allowed to play with it all in thr bathroom (followed by a bath) so she gets very decorated!

This. Six minutes is a really long time (I realise it's one minute per year of age, but most autistic children are socially and emotionally "younger" than their chronological age even if academically able, so even if you want to stick with time out, two minutes absolute maximum). A calm down space is a vastly better idea though - both developmentally and pragmatically as I imagine you might end up in a tricky situation if she refused to sit on the chair...

Does she use AAC / a talker/ makaton?

Forget punishing her by forcing her to sit in a chair or stay alone in her room OP - you want her to feel safe and loved and natural consequences and reminding her of rules and how to behave will be much more effective. If she needs to calm down then as others have said have a calm down area for her and stay with her. Leave things before she gets overwhelmed and reframe things as helping her rather than punishing her. Reward her with your time and praise instead of lollipops, notice, comment and encourage the sort of behaviour you want.

All the routine is a great idea, kids with ASD particularly thrive with routine. Is she interested in Barbies, dolls and buggies? I would go with toys she is interested in and doing things she enjoys rather than trying to shoehorn her too much into a life that a NT child her age would be enjoying.

If she does like dolls though then you can play with them with her teach her lots of lessons at the same time on being gentle, being safe (strapping them into the buggy/car), weaning/eating nicely, helping them to manage their emotions and feel better - she can learn so much from you playing dolls with her if she is interested in them.

Thank you for your kind responses

Okay, completely agree that 6 mins in time out is far too long 🥺, and that tbh it isnt right here. Agree that I want her to feel safe and loved so will focus on teaching rather than punishing 🥺

I thought of time out because before this non walking thing, she would elope so much, running into the road and it was causing so much anxiety as we are in London.

But I agree that I could do a safe space area instead. She has a play tent, and I will fill it with pillows and blankets and take her there to calm down if she needs it, and remind her of the rules re playing safely and kindly. She loves kisses and tickles 🥰

With regards to toys, she doesnt like any of the toys she has. She did like her indoor trampoline and spinning chair before she stopped walking a month ago.

She has kinetic sand but got over that pretty quickly. She has her tablet which she loves playing games on. The games are girly, sparkly, she makes cakes and cookies and ice cream and food 😄

She is very sweet and does like playing with my make up, so glitter and make up stuff before bathtime could be a really good shout

We are sharing a bedroom as she wouldnt sleep in her own bed, so her room is a play room. I am trying to get a play kitchen built that is tall enough for her (she is very tall for 6) and will stock it with play food

Ive got a safety tether to combat the eloping, but we are also trying to source a disability buggy for her. She needs to be outdoors imo rather than inside on the tablet as she has been for most of the past month

She has some barbies but isnt massively interested - i feel though thats because she doesnt know how to play with them

Tomorrow is friday so I need to deep clean the flat and then on saturday plan to take her out to a sand play area

Dd does have an aac device - proloquo2go - and I have been programming it by day with the words she'd use

It was very overwhelming to use it as designed so I think that having the phrases we use most will help

I had considered horse riding! Super expensive but could be really worth it. I hear horses are really loving and good judges of character so would love that for her 🥺

Logical consequences will be good - i am already doing them but want them in the context of routine and her listening to mummy, which she doesnt do

I honestly want rid of the sweets but she does respond well to them as a motivating factor in other ways

Does she have ear defenders when she's outdoors? And a chew toy?
Eloping is generally a fight or flight (flight) response so its hard to "teach" them not to as once they're in the state where they're doing it they're not logically thinking through what they're doing. She might not necessarily look hugely overwhelmed but it usually is where stress has built up and it's to either get away from the stress or to release the stress by running.
We've had some success with redirecting our DC to spin instead of run, though he is slightly older. Spinning is something he does a lot to regulate in general and he will often calm himself in public by doing it now. We've managed some quite busy public areas over the last few months where he's began doing it when I hadn't noticed he was beginning to get overwhelmed, and as well as being calming for him and redirecting the run away urge, it's also a good non verbal indication that he's stressed.

Honestly it happens when she is excited 😭 or she wants to go somewhere, hence my wondering if she is thinking.

So our last elopement due to excitement was during the summer when I bought some donuts on sale at sainsburys and a helium balloon. She got out of the car excited about them and ran into the road!

Then she ran off when I took her to the beach. So we went to a chip shop to have her battered sausage, and in the middle of it, zero warning, she ditched it and ran out trying to go back to the beach!!! Luckily i knew the area well and managed to chase her as a crowd of bikers cheered her on (😭😭 funny now)

The stressed response is not walking. So she will sit down if she is tired, but this has now gone to the extreme where she has stopped altogether

I don't have any ideas for the excited running, that's hard to deal with 😕

With the freezing when overwhelmed have you tried going along with it when at all possible? Obviously doesn't work if it's an appointment (unless you're able to pre-empt it and leave a lot earlier than necessary) but when you're not on an essential time limit can you just sit down with her when she stops and say "oh are we sitting down for a bit" and then start talking about other things while she calms down, then after a while suggest "shall we walk over there now". Again it might not work - but might be slightly quicker at settling her than having pressure to keep moving straight away?

Don't forget to model using the proloquo loads - babies have something like 4500 hours of speach input by the time they start speaking, and people give up using AAC devices and techniques when children have had on average 80 hours of modelling without actively using it...

I've worked with elopers and it's really hard once they're too vig to scoop up and carry (toddlers). Generally you have to work out what they're running from or to (more often to) but sometimes it's not logical to an outsider and can be related to a fixed interest or compulsion or something the individual is calmed by. Really all you can do is improve communication options so she can tell you, and use the safety options you have access to, as you are doing.

When someone lies on the floor you have to wait until the trigger fades a bit and then distraction can work (pretend it's completely normal to be lying on the pavement, then five minutes later "oh, sparkly thing, lets look!" and sometimes the person forgets they were in the middle of lying on the floor - sometimes not.

Toys like indoor swings hanging from the ceiling if allowed in your flat, indoor wobble boards, ball pools and sensory bins can all be popular with the autistic children I've worked with - and with neurotypical children that age! Old fashioned jigsaw puzzles (whether wooden single piece peg puzzles or 500 pieces) are surprisingly popular with a lot of the autistic children and young people I've worked with, but not everyone.

Do you have a toni box? Also popular with both NT and ND children of that age and an alternative to a screen. Stories and music are both good.

Is she hypermobile and in pain? They often go together.

(Sorry my DD is autistic and refusal to comply without explanation often meant pain. She was verbal enough to talk later)

I don't want to sound like a dick, but I'm genuinely confused as to why 'neurotypical' is your baseline here?

She's not neuro typical, and there's nothing wrong with that. Being NT isn't better than being autistic, it's just different. You say you want to focus on your child, rather than her autism, which is great, but trying to understand her by understanding NT kids isn't the way to do that.

Does your DD enjoy the company of her peers? We enjoy going to the park most nights after school - it’s nice to chat to other mums too. For us, it’s the most important part of our daily routine although shorter now it’s getting dark so early!

Agree with pp don’t do the punishment part.

I think maybe she's just trying to widen her pool of ideas for free time activities and toys rather than solely focusing on things aimed at supporting autistic children (so trying to get away from a therapy mindset).

I do agree the aim isn't to push the autistic child towards what are perceived as neurotypical interests, but I think she's just trying to widen her focus.

There are plenty of ways to ask about widening your child's experiences than by specifically asking what NT kids do.

@Concernfordd1 there is nothing wrong or abnormal about being autistic. Being NT may be more common, but that doesn't translate into NT people being better or normal. If you don't focus on your daughter as an individual you risk trying to force her into a mould that she simply won't fit into, and that is damaging for autistic people. She's perfect as she is, so focus on her.

I promise I am not trying to stop her from being autistic!!

What i mean is, the autistic traits that really defined her a couple of years ago, zero speech, zero desire to interact with other children, in nappies, not showing much awareness of her surroundings are less of a concern now

For us now, she wants to make friends with girls she sees when we are out, hence rainbows. She wants to communicate and at bedtime tries to get me to play instead

She has opinions on her dinner which she expresses by taking me to what she wants. She recognises our long route to school and gets upset when I pass greggs without buying her sausage roll 😭😭

Her sensory toys which she liked bore her, as do other toys I try to show her. At the hospital she refused to play with them. In my mind, she has outgrown them but doesnt know how to play with toys your 'average neurotypical' kid would

Being neurotypical isnt the baseline, but I have a 6 year old on my hands who, I think is very much thinking (for want of a better phrase) like a kid with lower support needs than she had even a year ago

Sorry, I cant find the right words I suppose, but my parenting journey has changed and I need to know what other non sen parents are doing with their girls

I only know sen parents. Due to life circumstances, things worked that way. Its just us, no other family or cousins to ask

I will see whether a walking group exists for other kids her age, as we are close to a big park 👀👀👀

The ability to see the same neurotypical kids routinely might help dd when it comes to socialising, which she definitely wants to do

I have asked the physio and he said he doesnt think so, but will ask again tbh

They've done so many tests re the non walking and are sick of us 😭

Very true re proloquo - yes, will model it when I am describing house stuff i do as well, thats a good idea

We use it at bedtime now, doing the same thing each time which helps, but will be using it during the day as much as possible

Agree re the sitting on the floor. I worry about her at school as I wonder if they are telling her off for not walking. But with me, telling off doesnt work tbh, positive reinforcement works well. Which begs the question why I thought a timeout would work 🙈🙈

Agree that meltdowns and refusing to walk is par for the course tbh. I rarely take her on complicated errands for me. Usually its just to the supermarket, everything else I do during school hours

I do want to take her out around london though, she is missing so much of the city

She hates jigsaws and finds them boring, she will push them away and sigh 😭

She has a balance board and spinning chair - i also got a remote control car to try out over the weekend

She loves her plush toys. So plush bluey, bingo, bing, duggee etc

She likes baking irl so hopefully will pop to sainsburys tomorrow to pick up chocolate chips

Agree with this - we are doing this but not 100%

Sometimes we are in a rush 😭 but softly softly works better with her i think so will keep at it

Will ask her school to do the same, not sure if they are 😬

My 6 yo DD isn’t at all interested in barbie or dolls. She loves playmobil, lego, dinosaurs, space, crafts, painting, reading, writing stories, making dens, playing superheroes, board games, potions, making a mess, riding her bike and scooter and just playing in the garden with her mates (neighbours).

We do weekly swimming lessons and piano but due to work commitments not loads of regular hobbies. We don’t need punishments.We do lots of days out, she loves going out for a curry or pub lunch and the library and museums-we do all the museum events.

It really pisses me off that the default for girls is barbie, dolls and pink 🤮. DD plays with as many “boys” things as “girls”.

We are on a wait list for Beavers- DD isn’t interested in Rainbows. We did the All Stars cricket club last summer which was brilliant