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DS feels like a complete loser

58 replies

LondonCafe · 06/11/2025 12:13

I have a DS who is a first year student at university and he's come back home for a bit.

He's always been shy growing up and I'd see him more as a "nerdy boy" than a "laddy lad".

He's at uni in halls but doesn't live too far from home. He's made good friends at uni but he's admitted to me now that he doesn't really enjoy the whole "party party" culture. He doesn't like alcohol or drinking anymore because it makes him feel like an emotional mess.

He doesn't like going clubbing because it just reminds him he's never kissed a girl before. Also it brings back a bad memory from year 13. He got teased because a girl he had had a big big crush on "got with" another boy in the year after a party they were all at. And that hurt a lot. He got over it in a few weeks but finds now that if he drinks he starts thinking about it all over again and it hurts. DS was really embarrassed to admit to me he once saw this "other boy" on a night out in the club and then went to the bathroom and cried.

DS feels like he's being pathetic and he shouldn't be upset about these things. But it bothers him a lot that he's never had a single shred of success with girls. No girl has ever shown romantic interest in him and he can't get those thoughts out of his head. He tells "I shouldn't be upset over this anymore mum. It's so silly to get sad about this."

But this does bother him. My advice has been that he doesn't have to go clubbing and to bars anymore. He can do many of the activities at university that don't revolve around drinking. He's gotten into table tennis recently. As for the advice with girls I've told him that he'd be happier meeting someone naturally and having a relationship build than just having a random hookup on a night out.

OP posts:
TyroleanKnockabout · 06/11/2025 12:22

I assume he’s only 18? Lots of people are/have been in the same boat as him, remind him of that, and most do have relationships in the end.

Does he have female friends? I think that can be useful for mentally establishing that girls aren’t a terrifying alien species.

Beamur · 06/11/2025 12:24

There will be lots of students at Uni who have never kissed someone or had a relationship. My DD is in a flat of 6 and 2 of them have never dated.
The drinking culture will shift, especially after the first semester as everyone settles into doing a bit more study.
He'll meet like minded people doing the things he likes to do.
Gaining confidence will eventually put the distress of the previous incident behind him - it's not great that he's still so bothered by that.

LondonCafe · 06/11/2025 12:30

TyroleanKnockabout · 06/11/2025 12:22

I assume he’s only 18? Lots of people are/have been in the same boat as him, remind him of that, and most do have relationships in the end.

Does he have female friends? I think that can be useful for mentally establishing that girls aren’t a terrifying alien species.

He has female friends in his halls yes.

OP posts:
LondonCafe · 06/11/2025 12:32

Beamur · 06/11/2025 12:24

There will be lots of students at Uni who have never kissed someone or had a relationship. My DD is in a flat of 6 and 2 of them have never dated.
The drinking culture will shift, especially after the first semester as everyone settles into doing a bit more study.
He'll meet like minded people doing the things he likes to do.
Gaining confidence will eventually put the distress of the previous incident behind him - it's not great that he's still so bothered by that.

He also knows that it's not great that what happened in 6th form still upsets him.

He was upset for a few days in year 13. Got over it and moved on. He tells me the thoughts come back when he's drunk so he's going to refrain from alcohol now.

OP posts:
Violetmouse · 06/11/2025 12:44

I have an 18 year old DD at university. She's never dated, never (as far as I know!) shown any interest in boys or girls. Has a few good friends, absolutely hates clubbing and thinks it's a waste of money, doesn't like the feeling of being drunk. She is totally awesome - admittedly biased opinion! - and sounds like she's basically following the advice you're giving your son. It's tricky but I think if he can be reassured that he is fab the way he is and that's ok - he doesn't have to live the *student" lifestyle then hopefully he can be happy in himself.

mumofonetwo · 06/11/2025 13:00

Bless him he needs a giant dollop of confidence doesn’t he. To know that everything he feels is normal and above all avoid seeking solidarity online and ending up down a toxic male rabbit hole. Does he have a Dad or male role model who can take him for a coffee / beer and give him a pep talk about all this being utterly normal, natural and above all nothing to feel shame about? At this age I know it really does make a difference to young men if the advice is coming from a bloke they look up to, rather than “just” their mum.

also yes to finding hobbies where girls also attend and just finding himself.

Good luck xx

QuickPeachPoet · 06/11/2025 13:02

He isn't a loser at all. He just needs to find his crowd and this takes time. Going to uni is a big deal and it's not all about parties and drinking.
I would encourage him to enjoy his table tennis and any other activities he may enjoy, and make friends that way, by doing things rather than just getting pissed.

Topjoe19 · 06/11/2025 13:02

Has he joined any societies at uni? That can be good to find others with similar interests. He sounds lovely, it's so hard being that age & feeling left behind.

Summerhillsquare · 06/11/2025 13:02

Does he want a girlfriend? If so, he will be fine. He's going to be a graduate and is evidently from a good home, that stands him in good stead. He should concentrate on making friends with girls, being interested in their views, getting good at conversation. Plus the usual stuff. Patience, young people go at a slower pace these days in milestones.

Addictedtohotbaths · 06/11/2025 13:04

How lovely that you have such a good relationship that he can open up so candidly to you. I hope I have that with my DS when he is older.

DaisyChain505 · 06/11/2025 13:05

There is so much more out there for people his age other than clubbing and to be honest I think attitudes have changed with this generation and more of them are happy not to be out clubbing etc.

Encourage him to join one of the many clubs the uni will have going on.

Encourage him to plan more things with the friends he does have. Local pub quizzes, crazy golf, pizza and movie nights.

He just needs to grow his confidence and get comfortable with who he is and what he likes.

HelloMyNameIsElderSmurf · 06/11/2025 13:05

All of the above, but maybe he also needs a little bit of help dealing with the intrusive thoughts that are upsetting him when he’s drunk. I’m pretty sure that’s not the only time they are popping up - if he can access a little bit of CBT or even google some techniques to stop them ‘the rest of’ the time, they’ll pop up less when he’s drinking.

mumonthehill · 06/11/2025 13:07

Ds18 never been on a date and is not a big drinker. Many of his friends are similar and they all seem ok with it, they do other things. If he is still upset about things from the past he might need to make peace with it sooner he can mentally move on. Doing table tennis, having female friends are all positive. My ds would not want to be surrounded by drunk people in a club either and he would not think he was a loser because of it.

howrudeforme · 06/11/2025 13:09

Sounds like he’s still recovering from freshers week,

my ds doesn’t like alcohol / clubbing / large crowds and he’s one of many.

im sure your DS will find his way and his natural social group but it does take time. In the meantime he needs to be assured that how he feels is normal but each of us owe it to ourselves to find a way out of the hurt he’s feeling.

LondonCafe · 06/11/2025 13:17

mumofonetwo · 06/11/2025 13:00

Bless him he needs a giant dollop of confidence doesn’t he. To know that everything he feels is normal and above all avoid seeking solidarity online and ending up down a toxic male rabbit hole. Does he have a Dad or male role model who can take him for a coffee / beer and give him a pep talk about all this being utterly normal, natural and above all nothing to feel shame about? At this age I know it really does make a difference to young men if the advice is coming from a bloke they look up to, rather than “just” their mum.

also yes to finding hobbies where girls also attend and just finding himself.

Good luck xx

DH is his father! They get along really well.

DS is embarrassed to talk about "girl stuff".

I think he was initially very hurt in year 13 and then got over it.

But being at university you're thrust into a culture of people hooking up left, right and centre. Lots of stuff going on in clubs, lads bragging about how many girls they've slept with. It gets into DS's head that he's not even had his first kiss yet. Lots of negative thoughts coming back.

OP posts:
Goldenbear · 06/11/2025 13:40

LondonCafe · 06/11/2025 13:17

DH is his father! They get along really well.

DS is embarrassed to talk about "girl stuff".

I think he was initially very hurt in year 13 and then got over it.

But being at university you're thrust into a culture of people hooking up left, right and centre. Lots of stuff going on in clubs, lads bragging about how many girls they've slept with. It gets into DS's head that he's not even had his first kiss yet. Lots of negative thoughts coming back.

If he's not a 'hook up' kind of young person then it is irrelevant what others who are like that are doing. He just has to reframe his thinking that he has actively chosen not to be like that, he doesn't have to believe it's his default setting. It sounds like he would be better off seeking out like minded girls that are like him.

ItsameLuigi · 06/11/2025 13:45

Can he get onto a game like dungeons and dragons? World of warcraft? They have great communities online

ItsameLuigi · 06/11/2025 13:47

ItsameLuigi · 06/11/2025 13:45

Can he get onto a game like dungeons and dragons? World of warcraft? They have great communities online

Also, the uni may have a group who play DND in person! If he's more nerdy tell him to lean into that.

LondonCafe · 06/11/2025 14:00

ItsameLuigi · 06/11/2025 13:45

Can he get onto a game like dungeons and dragons? World of warcraft? They have great communities online

I don't think he'd be into this. He does like he's more into watching sci-fi. Like doctor who, star trek/wars etc.

He does the gaming society for socialising. He loves board games with his friends. He does table tennis and plays it socially at the university.

OP posts:
Grilledxribs · 06/11/2025 14:01

Give it time he's still young he will find his crowd.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 06/11/2025 14:04

He sounds a lot like me at that age to be honest.

I was also the nerdy guy, who'd had very little interest from girls when I started uni. Unlike your son, I'd had one kiss from a girl in a nightclub, we promptly lost track of each other and when I found her again, she was kissing one of my friends, which didn't feel great.

I also felt like a bit of a loser, and the fact that women weren't interested in me did leave me feeling somewhat morose, especially when I'd had a few drinks in a club and seen all my mates snogging women.

But the fact was, that I wasn't doing anything that would interest a woman. I was shy, I was quiet, I was generally content to let others carry the conversation, interjecting only occasionally. It was no wonder that I wasn't getting any interest. I wasn't doing anything that would make me stand out from the background. I could be quite funny, quite interesting, but only really one on one, with trusted friends.

What changed was an evening out towards the end of my first year. I'd been a part of the Balti Society all year (we went to pub, and then for a curry, that was it). I'd gotten to know a good few people through it, but we didn't tend to see each other outside of our curry nights. Well, on one of these evenings in the pub after a curry, I was deep in conversation with one of the girls who I'd always thought was so far out of my league, and she said "You know, if we'd ever spent any time together not stinking of curry, I'd probably have kissed you by now". A few days later, I bumped into her in the Student Union bar, she pointed at me and said "You owe me a kiss!". A week later we ended up in bed together (stinking of curry).

Unfortunately that was the end of the year, and she didn't come back for our second year, but I'd now realised that women did like me, they just needed to opportunity to get to know me.

I'm sure your son will likely come to this realisation at some point as well OP.

MrsSkylerWhite · 06/11/2025 14:05

He sounds like a lovely young man, thoughtful and sensitive.

LondonCafe · 06/11/2025 14:13

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 06/11/2025 14:04

He sounds a lot like me at that age to be honest.

I was also the nerdy guy, who'd had very little interest from girls when I started uni. Unlike your son, I'd had one kiss from a girl in a nightclub, we promptly lost track of each other and when I found her again, she was kissing one of my friends, which didn't feel great.

I also felt like a bit of a loser, and the fact that women weren't interested in me did leave me feeling somewhat morose, especially when I'd had a few drinks in a club and seen all my mates snogging women.

But the fact was, that I wasn't doing anything that would interest a woman. I was shy, I was quiet, I was generally content to let others carry the conversation, interjecting only occasionally. It was no wonder that I wasn't getting any interest. I wasn't doing anything that would make me stand out from the background. I could be quite funny, quite interesting, but only really one on one, with trusted friends.

What changed was an evening out towards the end of my first year. I'd been a part of the Balti Society all year (we went to pub, and then for a curry, that was it). I'd gotten to know a good few people through it, but we didn't tend to see each other outside of our curry nights. Well, on one of these evenings in the pub after a curry, I was deep in conversation with one of the girls who I'd always thought was so far out of my league, and she said "You know, if we'd ever spent any time together not stinking of curry, I'd probably have kissed you by now". A few days later, I bumped into her in the Student Union bar, she pointed at me and said "You owe me a kiss!". A week later we ended up in bed together (stinking of curry).

Unfortunately that was the end of the year, and she didn't come back for our second year, but I'd now realised that women did like me, they just needed to opportunity to get to know me.

I'm sure your son will likely come to this realisation at some point as well OP.

"especially when I'd had a few drinks in a club and seen all my mates snogging women." - this is exactly what DS tells me he sees and feels. It gets into his head.

OP posts:
LondonCafe · 06/11/2025 14:48

MrsSkylerWhite · 06/11/2025 14:05

He sounds like a lovely young man, thoughtful and sensitive.

Thank you. He has many lovely friends. Male and female.

As with everyone he's had a crush or two throughout his time. Unfortunately the girls haven't felt the same way. And that doesn't bother him, he's been able to move on and remain friends/friendly.

OP posts:
PixieandMe · 06/11/2025 14:54

He sounds like a lovely young man, OP!

Your advise is spot on, in my opinion. Try as many of the activities on offer as possible.