What do you do when you hate your life but can’t change it?

[poppetandmog]

How do you make peace with the fact that circumstances mean you will probably never be happy? On paper I have a nice life but it’s so difficult and I get no joy from it. I’m sadly not in a position to change it.

Get therapy if you can afford to?

Find small moments of joy

Are you depressed?

You have to take responsibility for the fact that you almost certainly could change it but you're not willing to pay the price. I can't think of any circumstances which an absolutely selfish person wouldn't be able to walk away from.

There might be some i can't think of, but generally, if we hate our life, we do have some options. That actually makes it easier to cope if we recognise our values are what is making us stay in the same place.

What therapy often does is help us realise we do have some choices. If you were willing to share more details, you might get some ideas here.

You have to learn to accept what you have then.

Unfortunately, life is not always great 😕

Just try to find happiness in the small things. The feel of the sun on your skin. The taste of a favourite food. The smell of your dogs head.

I do understand, it's not easy but you can find happiness - it may not be what makes others happy but it's there to be found. 💐

Of course you can change it, you just don't want to enough.

I think there’s a lot of pertinent info missing here…

Sorry for the lack of info. It was sort of deliberate as I wasn’t particularly looking for advice on my own specific circumstances, just wanted to hear how other people manage.

For context, I have an extremely high needs child who is 8, who we adopted when he was 2 (with absolutely no idea of his level of need, which was very much covered up.) He has autism (pda profile so very aggressive and demanding) a profound learning disability, doubly incontinent and various other medical needs, including a stoma bag. We get absolutely no restbite and family have pretty much abandoned us as my son’s behaviour is very challenging.

My husband has turned into a completely different person since we adopted and not one that I like, but I can’t possibly leave, as neither of us would cope parenting alone and it wouldn’t be fair on my son, who has attachment disorder and just wouldn’t cope (he’s barely coping now.)

I do have a job that I enjoy but life in general is very difficult and I am tired beyond belief. I obviously can’t change my son and of course I do love him but i get no joy from parenting him. I feel like a terrible person saying that but it’s true.

I'm sorry for my post, obviously you have seriously difficult issues to contend with 😔I have MS, so that's the direction my mind went to 😕

Firstly, you are not a terrible person! How could anyone enjoy a life with the amount of stress ( mental and physical ) that you are going through! Cut yourself some slack, you are basically doing the parenting of 10 average mums!

If there is any way you could reconnect with your dh? Tackling life as a team would mean both of you having someone to lean on 🙂

You have made the first step by talking about it 😊

Please see if you can get some respite from Social Services.

It is ok to feel like this, you must be exhausted and grieving a loss for the child you thought you might have ☹️

I think sometimes all you can do is to recognise the absolute reality and cost of the life you are living. What you are coping with would break anyone. That you are picking it up every single day and carrying on says that you are an exceptionally strong and resilient person. I take my hat off to you, and understand to a degree what it is to be in a co-parenting relationship which becomes about putting a child's needs first where you are also the stronger person, and so carry the other adult's weight too.

Sometimes just being seen helps. Hopefully you find that from this thread.

Some adoptions break down OP. You don’t have to live a miserable life. It’s absolutely tragic but you don’t need to lose your life to this.

Adoptions fail sometimes and dc go back into the care system. I'm sure you adore your ds. I don't mean to be crass or lacking in empathy, but if you cannot cope, you cannot cope.

What others have said before you explained your circumstance is still true, there are always choices. However I really feel for you and how much it's taking you to keep going.

Honestly, I don't think you can just keep going. I think the crisis point always arrives.

Thank you all for being so kind. Adoption disruption really isn’t an option. I do love my son and want the absolute best for him. It is just exhausting and relentless. I’m also dealing with chronic pain as I have endometriosis and although I’ve had a hysterectomy, I have a lot of scar tissues and adhesions, so that just makes things a lot worse. Post adoption support have been utterly useless and without sharing too much personal info, they have completely failed my son in every way and we are now having to deal with the fallout. I absolutely do not trust social services. I do feel like my marriage is probably doomed. We have tried to repair things so many times but I think too much damage has been done now.

Oh come on 🙄

This response is so naive.

@poppetandmog you’re making a huge difference borne out of love. Try to remember that I wish you well. Nature is a huge healer, I think.

Hi OP, I’m so sorry for you.
I have a child (that i gave birth to), my only child- my first died at full term - who is profoundly disabled.
She cannot walk or talk or eat (gastrostomy fed), doubly incontinent, doesn’t sleep much and so on.
Respite was intermittent (like 2-3 nights a year from a hospice) but now completely disappeared as she no longer (in fact never) meets their criteria.
The only break I get is when she’s at school where I know she’s safe.
Shes an absolute joy despite the above issues but fuck it if I’m not completely exhausted.
I hear you when you say life feels joyless - and it must be worse with PDA behaviour for you.
All I can say off the top of my head is try pushing for a social worker (children with disabilities social worker) who can possibly get you carer support (my advice is try to avoid agency for what I imagine you know will be obvious reasons) and for respite overnight.
Try charities linked to his condition/s for stay and play or any kind of support.
In my experience family support disappears and is utterly pointless because there’s always a hands off support at best.
Get your DH and you to have one night a week away from home (separately obviously) - he does whatever in that time and so do you. Doesn’t matter if it’s going for a walk or to the pub or to a friend. Just get out of the house.
I completely understand the breakdown of a marriage in these circumstances- I’m pretty much there too.
Ignore social media shit about disabled people and benefits etc - that’s brought me down a lot.
Thats all I can think of right now. I’ll post again if anything occurs to me.
Hugs

I have chronic pain, a depressed husband and a disabled child. I try to focus on the things I enjoy - reading, tv, comedy, crosswords. I also exercise and try to be healthy.
for most people not every moment of every day is bad, there are good moments, bad moments and mostly mundane moments but our brains have a bad habit of focusing on the bad.
Gratitude is the key to happiness, if you can find gratitude it brings a peace and acceptance.

Oh darn, so you're telling me if I try wanting my life to change more, it will?! Why hadn't I thought of that 🤦🏻‍♀️

Not quite sure how I can magically change that I care full time for my profoundly disabled daughter with very little outside help and yes I've tried, it's not there and it's all getting worse for parents and carers of disabled family members.

But if you've anymore insightful suggestions, I welcome them.

To be fair, this poster responded to the original post, where the OP gave no specific details about what was actually wrong in her life - it could have been a difficult job or a bad relationship.

We can only ever give advice on the information we get, which was very little.

Obviously the pertinant details make it a very different scenario.

@HornyHornersPinkyWinky I get that and I snapped which I apologise for, it's just another reminder of how alienated we are as carers. The OPs situation, like mine and many others doesn't even occur to people. I do apologise for snapping though.

As soon as I read the OP I wondered if she cared for someone but that's because I do. The vast majority of people have absolutely no idea how hard, relentless and life limiting it is.

It could have, but equally you know … it couldn’t. Could try just trusting what a poster says, couldn’t we?