What do you do when you hate your life but can’t change it?

[poppetandmog]

How do you make peace with the fact that circumstances mean you will probably never be happy? On paper I have a nice life but it’s so difficult and I get no joy from it. I’m sadly not in a position to change it.

This .
i know someone aswell who adopted a child and the full level of needs wasn’t provided . They tried over many years but were going beyond breaking point as a family so child was given to social services .

Is there an adoption support group at all or could you set one up? That way you could meet up and share your experiences.

Or does anything exist online where you can make online friends to discuss shared experiences?

Nah that's not fair. It could have been absolutely anything. The fact that this specific situation didn't occur to PP does not mean she doesn't care about carers.

Not that I'm arguing with your point that carers are underserved and alienated. Mumsnet has been really educational on this subject, and on disability in general, for me over the years. I can't imagine how difficult it is for you and others in this situation, and I wish we had a system that supported you more.

This is not at all uncommon (somewhere between 3-9% of adoptions break down in the UK). It also doesn’t mean the children weren’t loved deeply by their adopters.

It is desperately sad that OP is clearly at or close to breaking point. If her marriage fails, that may mean even less support for her as a parent and another stressful change in circumstances for her child, which will likely worsen things even further.

It’s nobody’s fault, it’s just a very tragic constellation of circumstances beyond the OPs control. She has done her best. She does not need to become ill or find no joy or meaning in life any more. There is a choice, a painful choice, but a choice nonetheless.

Agree with this. I can't change the big things.

That kind of assumes that the OP could hand the child back and carry on with life. She can’t, her love for the child is evident. She has to live with herself and her decisions. I’m not saying it’s the wrong thing but I can see she can’t bring herself to.

OP that's hard, I am sorry.
In a society that worked how it was supposed to, you would have respite care with a residential home. Those have been cut so a lot just don't exist any more.
Bearing that in mind, speak to your local councillors and your MP. Book an appointment with them to tell them what's going on and how useless all of the supposed services have been. Then ask what they are going to do about it.

So sorry to read the situation you are in. In my life I'm caring for a young adult with severe mental health difficulties. Single mum, working full time from home. I'm really really tired and feeling stuck and resentful.

I'd agree strongly with what previous posters have said about respite care or counselling in any way possible. Are there any peer support groups too for other parents caring for children with similar disabilities, even online? Even online chats with others who get it can make a big difference. Counting small glimmers.

What I have started doing in the last month is beachcombing and cleaning. Whenever I have a spare 40 minutes or hour, walking on our local beach. Its not a glamorous one, just on the edge of our city. I take litter pickers and a bag, gather plastic and fishing nets and twine, see what else I can find and walk by the waves. It revives me. Helps me see progress and a small small bit of difference I am making, even if I can't see it in my own life. And the waves and wind calm me, I like looking at the shells, watching other peoples dogs jumping in the waves and yesterday I found an eggcase, which when I brought it home and soaked it, turned out to be the eggcase of a spotted ray. (Also found a tin of paint, various nappies and a shoe.)

In previous times when things have been hard I've got alot from journalling. I wonder if that might be possible right now? Just writing down all my thoughts as a braindump helped me hear myself, even when I felt no one else was listening, and was a first step to getting back in my body. Julia Cameron's book The Artists Way was a great help here.

All the best OP.

OP, I just wanted to say you are not a terrible person for saying you feel no joy caring for your son. It’s honest. And not terrible.

I don’t live in the UK so I don’t know what, if any, help is available to you. It’s obvious you really need more help so you can find a bit of space to cultivate some joy. It’s hard to find some joy in life when you are completely snowed under with responsibilities

I have a chronic and somewhat disabling illness, and my husband has cancer and is undergoing going chemo now. He doesn’t have a good prognosis but there’s some hope. I became very down and lost the capacity to even laugh at one point. I’m feeling a bit better now. Little things are helping. I like to look at the night sky so I track the cycles of the moon. Saw a harvest moon the other night. And I watch the stars (and satellites) on clear nights - only for a little while, but enough to lift my spirits. I listen to a lot of music and I dance ( more like shuffle weirdly while I cook). I’ve recently taken to cooking things I’ve never cooked before. I was always a practical cook but now I’ve become a decorative one. I try to make food look pretty on pretty plates. And I’ve started a herb garden and am thinking of planting an edible flower garden One of the herbs is marijuana - I’ve germinated the seeds, now I’ve got two little plants (fingers crossed) . You can get it legally on prescription here and my husband finds it soothing so figured I’d try growing some instead. Then I might just take to smoking it. I’m trying to change little things about me and my surroundings.

Yes exactly this . The incidence of SS not fully disclosing a child’s needs isn’t unusual . I remember reading an article about exactly this experience in a paper a few years ago , this family also surrendered the child back to SS. What they went through was far beyond the capabilities of a normal family to cope with .

That’s her personal choice .
The example I gave was where there were other children in the family and I think the discussion also involved the impact on them . After all it was the parents choice to adopt and the children had no say so is it fair to ruin their childhoods for a child who cannot be helped in the current setting .

Yes but @hattie43 you really are acting as if it’s a no big deal sort of choice, shall we have lunch now or leave it until we’re home sort of no consequence decision.

Some decisions leave you wretched either way.

Either the child stays with her and her life continues on much the same trajectory.

Or he doesn’t, and then you have to live with that horrible, heartbreaking guilt, the judgement of others who just don’t understand, the worry about where he is and what’s subsequently happened to him, the sense that if only you’d done this or that things would be different.

It isn’t just ‘oh, well that’s your choice.’ At all.

Thank you everyone for the further replies. Despite all of this, my son is actually making progress and doing well. I have no doubt we are the right parents for him and disruption isn’t an option. That just comes at a huge personal cost, but I am completely willing to forego my own happiness, knowing he has a family that love and support him. It just feels bloody impossible sometimes.