Mediocre sex in a marriage

[bethanydutton]

Genuinely don’t know where to put this thread, it’s not really relationships as im
mot after advice, it’s more musings. And I’ve naechanged as I don’t want this thread linked to any of my other posts.

my first marriage was to a man who could be described as ‘wild’. He probably wasn’t really cut out for marriage, but really wanted me. We had two children and duly married. I would say the sex was regular and good. We had a good communication style, knew each other very well but, ultimately, the marriage didn’t last. It was due to his ‘wild’ ways, and these only got worse after we divorced.

i waited a year before dating again, and chose a ma very different. He was a ‘beta’ style male - something that I actively wanted but it obviously wasn’t what I was used to and I found his total dependence on me wearing. The sex in this relationship was almost non existent so I have no memory of whether or not it was any good.

next relationship was the compulsive liar. I fell head over heels for this man and the sex was plentiful and fulfilling initially. As the lies started to come out and the relationship unraveled, I don’t think I recall having sex much with him toward the end.

not trusting myself, I took a full year off for introspection. Quite out of the blue, I met someone who was kind, caring and everything that no other relationship has ever been. We are now married, I love him but. But the sex is not great. He has been married before himself, but I do not think their marriage was particularly sexual and I would say that he is inexperienced. I accept that this is how it is now. I am older, my needs are different and sex is secondary (maybe) but I often wonder to myself if I will always feel if this is enough. I am soon to be 53.

Maybe give some thought as to why you seem to go from one extreme to the other and then back again? Have you considered why you do that? You know there’s a middle ground of men out there who you can have good sex with AND treat you well?

@HundredMilesAnHourthanks for responding but that really wasn’t the point of my thread. My point is more about fundamentally giving up on (good) sex for a good man. I’m not exactly going to divorce my husband and move on because of it

I think you’re actually missing my point. Some self-introspection or even therapy might help you understand why you seem to think it’s one or the other, which will help you understand why you made/are making this current choice. If/when you understand why, it should easier to come to terms with.

There was a thread on here quite recently by an OP who had a similar issue to yourself: she described her H as everything she could wish for, apart from the sex. And she was seriously ending her marriage to pursue good sex.

I posted on that thread and I think a lot of people did similarly , along the lines of if you have a good, decent man who is otherwise compatible with you then you have what so many women would give their eye teeth for. And be careful what you wish for.

It really depends on your priorities doesn't it? You might always regret, and feel you have missed out in some way, but what you have to keep hold of is the knowledge you are a winner in life if you are in a relationship with a decent man.

@HundredMilesAnHouri don’t think it’s one thing or the other. Why would you presume to think I do?

@Shininglightshiningbrightyes. This is how I feel. I would not leave him - he has brought so much joy and stability to an otherwise turbulent life. He is as solid as a rock. And I love him.

I am married to a wonderful man (2nd marriage) and he is everything I ever wanted.
He's kind, thoughtful, dependable, generous, funny, good looking.... I could go on. He's a brilliant step father to my daughters and we have a great life thanks to him.

The sex isn't great - I hardly ever orgasm - and it's not that hard to make me orgasm I swear. He's not selfish and likes lots of foreplay but I find myself faking orgasm nearly every time just to get it over with. He's not particularly adventurous and we tend to do the same things over and over. It's gone so far now that I can't address it without him realising I've been faking for years. He often says what a great sex life we have and how much he enjoys it.

I'd never leave him because of this. My life is so much better with him in it. I just take it on the chin and have made peace with the fact that my sex life is always going to be a bit dull.

He was seriously ill this year and I thought several times I might lose him. I was devastated - he's the love of my life - and it brings into sharp perspective about how little the sex matters to me.

I'm 45 and if I have another 45 years of this I'll just be lucky to spend those years with him.

@whyexactlythoughi must obviously feel the same. I think sex is very important for bonding and intimacy actually - but it does not account for kindness and happiness

Yes I agree it is. We cuddle a lot though and we're very affectionate so that helps.

Do you have affection in your marriage?

Maybe you can say what 'good 'sex mean to you?
Have you talked to your husband about how you feel?

I advise- seriously, taking yourselves off to a proper sex therapist- listed on national websites like the BACP (counselling) to help you work on the sex together.

If it's technique, he can learn surely. When you have sex, is he doing the right things for you? Have you communicated what you like?

I think (kindly) you have to take some responsibility for this. (Your past relationships aren't relevant, really. )

You've taken a big step to marry again, and if you never really fancied him you'll have to live with that choice.
If it's more about hi learning what you want, talk to him.

If there is no spark for you, that's different and you have chosen 'safe and secure' over being alone.

Op, you've done what a lot of women do, you've settled for a good, kind man but one who you don't find sexually exciting. Only you can say if this is a deal you're willing to make but I would add one note of caution, your DH probably doesn't know how you feel, he thinks your sex life is fine, if he ever works out that sex with him is an unexciting experience he'll react pretty badly. If you hold out any hope of making things better then you need to act sooner rather than later, the longer this goes on the harder and more destructive it will be

As he is inexperienced and has not made sex a huge priority so far in his life, isn't there scope for finding a whole new area of mutual adventure? What about going to couples sex therapy - it could be the start of something brilliant for both of you?

@LittleElfOnTheShelfi wouldn’t say there’s no spark. There is. I enjoy being touch by him

@Daleksatemyshedi am unlikely to ever say anything to him as it would hurt his feelings and I would never do that to him.

@GreenCandleWaxi really don’t have the energy for that, actually. As I just mentioned to a previous poster, I would not mention it to him as it would hurt him so it is something I will just have to come to terms with

I’m curious I guess - if the sex is not “good” then why can both parties not learn how to improve so that it is “good”?

it’s not as if with man A sex is “good” - and this is written in the heavens, but with man B sex is only “ok”.

presumably sex with man B could become good. And sex with man A could go downhill?

im genuinely curious - am I missing sth?

I’ve been having sex with one man since 2002 which is nearly 25 years. The sex has varied from ok, to good to incredible.

if you can’t talk to him about sex then if course the sex is not going to be great.

it’s not his job to put on a good show for you and you give mental marks out of ten. It takes two to tango!

you never know, if you enquire, he might also think you’re a bit meh in bed and you can work on it together!

good luck.

@BumpyaDaisyevna i have had unbelievable sex with some men and some ‘meh’ sex with other men. For me, I think it’s about the person actually rather than sometimes good/sometimes ok. Could we learn - it’s been six years, I’m not bringing it up so this is how it will be

That’s fine, and of course your decision. Youre closing the door on growing together sexually, though. Which to me seems a shame.

Why would it hurt him to say let’s try this or that?

@BumpyaDaisyevnaim actually trying to imagine him actively engaging with me in a sexual journey, should the issue be addressed. You know, I just don’t think this would be something that he would be interested/comfortable (not sure of the correct word here) doing this. He like to have sex, of course but there isn’t really any ‘romance’ involved in it. And maybe that’s actually what I’m missing, the romance.

So this is 50-50 your responsibility.
If in 6 years you haven't been able to talk to him, to guide him with what you like, what hope is there?
Is he a mind reader?

I'm sorry but you're being unfair to HIM.
you need to talk to your H.

The fact you can't shows you have issues - either embarrassment, shame, low self confidence- which is it?

@LittleElfOnTheShelfWhy would you immediately assume it was some weak character failing of my own, the low confidence/ low self esteem malarkey? If you’d actually read my replies thread, you would have noted that I have said, more than once, that I would not say anything because I do not want to hurt his feelings. He is a good man who doesn’t deserve to be told ‘honey, you just don’t do it for me’.

tell me, does your confidence allow you to walk around saying things like that to your loved ones? Brutal honesty to show character, that you have no issues? Or are you mindful of the feelings of others tha you care very deeply for?

But you don’t have to say that. You could say ‘I want to try X’. or ‘I love it when we do Y’. If you can’t think of anything, why should he be able to?

You wouldn’t say “you don’t do it for me”.

You’d say “Jim, I love you and I want to have good sex with you. I want to find out what you like too. It’s not you but I’m not that into it these days, the usual way we do, as things are. Perhaps things are changing for me as I get older. Now I really want more of [this] and I’m not really into [ that] so much. I sometimes feel quite disconnected when we’re doing it and I’m sure you must notice it “

for example when I was younger I liked - not rough sex exactly - more quite “fighty” sex - one of us on top and the other surrendering.
im not so into that now. I’m much more into very slow sensual erotic sex with a real connection.
I told him I can’t get into it in the old way any more - I want sensuality and connection and slow desire.
he was thrilled to know and to try this out with me.
you really ought to give your DH a chance. In my experience men are keen to please and generous and are pleased to know what you would like and what leaves you cold. My DH said he hates having to try and guess and mind read, and why should he!

and you never know your DH might tell you about all sorts of new things he would prefer.

plus I guarantee you, he knows. One knows, if someone one is having sex with, is not that into it. I don’t think it will come as a surprise.

What a brilliant post and I’m so happy you shared that with your DP! OP I hope you take this idea on board, you seem to have a fixed idea that it’s either good or bad and that’s not the case - it gets to be something fun you both get to experiment with! I’ll say my DH isn’t the best I’ve ever had in my life in terms of size / wild abandon (can’t think how to put it in a MN friendly way 😂) but we have tried loads of different things and it honestly keeps getting better and better despite two kids, getting older etc! It doesn’t have to be like “oh this is it end of” - you get to have fun and explore together x

@bethanydutton You misunderstand.

Being confident means being able to say things in a way that won't hurt the other person. It's expressing your feelings, honestly, but with thoughtfulness.
At the moment- and for 6 years- you've brushed it all under the carpet.

It's HOW you say something that is the point. Have you tried to talk to him about what he does in bed and what he likes?

There is no way you'd just say' Honey you don't do it for me'. Did I suggest that? No.

You've not really been honest here about what isn't working. I asked if you fancied him and there was a spark. At first I assumed he just 'didn't do it for you' and you'd married for companionship and someone who was kind.

You mention him being 'inexperienced.'
What does that mean in terms of how he behaves in bed? Does he understand what you like? Whether that's loads of foreplay, oral etc?

Maybe the men you had sex with before pushed all the right buttons without being asked. But that isn't always the case!
Some men need 'instructions'.

Could you guide his hand or tell him 'Yes, that's nice' or 'No, a bit less of that and a bit more of this' and show him with your own hands what you like?

Is he going too fast, too slow, not touching you where you enjoy it?

Is he selfish and it's all about 'him'? What does he like you doing to him? Can that be the start of the conversation?

You can communicate this without being hurtful.