Mediocre sex in a marriage

[bethanydutton]

Genuinely don’t know where to put this thread, it’s not really relationships as im
mot after advice, it’s more musings. And I’ve naechanged as I don’t want this thread linked to any of my other posts.

my first marriage was to a man who could be described as ‘wild’. He probably wasn’t really cut out for marriage, but really wanted me. We had two children and duly married. I would say the sex was regular and good. We had a good communication style, knew each other very well but, ultimately, the marriage didn’t last. It was due to his ‘wild’ ways, and these only got worse after we divorced.

i waited a year before dating again, and chose a ma very different. He was a ‘beta’ style male - something that I actively wanted but it obviously wasn’t what I was used to and I found his total dependence on me wearing. The sex in this relationship was almost non existent so I have no memory of whether or not it was any good.

next relationship was the compulsive liar. I fell head over heels for this man and the sex was plentiful and fulfilling initially. As the lies started to come out and the relationship unraveled, I don’t think I recall having sex much with him toward the end.

not trusting myself, I took a full year off for introspection. Quite out of the blue, I met someone who was kind, caring and everything that no other relationship has ever been. We are now married, I love him but. But the sex is not great. He has been married before himself, but I do not think their marriage was particularly sexual and I would say that he is inexperienced. I accept that this is how it is now. I am older, my needs are different and sex is secondary (maybe) but I often wonder to myself if I will always feel if this is enough. I am soon to be 53.

If you feel there is no 'romance' why not curate that?
Suggest a more romantic dinner, set the table, make it 'romantic' in your own way.

Don't expect him to make all the effort and bring about the changes you want. Maybe you have to start the ball rolling yourself.

Genuine question: if he is this amazing of a man why can't you bring up what you want in bed with him?

My DH is amazing and I'd always tell him if I'm unhappy in bed (in fact I have before)

To the OP - tell him what you want in bed. There are ways to make this sexy, which I won't go into here, but giving him direction doesn't have to be a negative or a way of putting him down. Why not just tell him what you want and have a great sex life and a great man?

I think you should be content with what you have and find ways of making it as good as possible. Maybe try to spice things up a bit in the bedroom and take the lead.

Clitoral stimulators are a great friend, stick in a vib if you want some penetration. Bobs your uncle 🤷🏼‍♀️

Can’t you just like, discuss it with him?

I don’t understand how you get to the point of marriage without being comfortable raising this with him directly. If he’s inexperienced, he probably doesn’t know what your version of normal is. Yeah, you’re not going to get perfect sex overnight, but he might be willing to listen to how you’re feeling and explain his point of view. Things could change.

Would you be embarrassed if you raised it with him only to find he'd been putting up with mediocre sex for fear of offending you?

Try talking to him.

@LittleElfOnTheShelfi appreciate all you have said, but I don’t necessarily agree with your definition of confidence. But you, and other posters are correct in saying/implying that I don’t communicate this. I’ve thought hard about this and I think I am actually closed off and reserved and share a great deal of my emotional self with him, so how could he know. We currently have a long distance marriage for various reasons so only get small moments together. I also think that I’m of an age now where I couldn’t think of anything worse than sex lasting a long time.

i can’t find who mentioned making things more romantic - you cannot make someone who isn’t romantic into someone who is. That is a non starter

i can’t find who mentioned making things more romantic - you cannot make someone who isn’t romantic into someone who is. That is a non starter

Maybe rethink that?
You're not trying to make HIM romantic, the point is to make a romantic setting which you' d appreciate and hope he does too- and realises it matters to you.

Old saying- you can't change anyone else, just yourself (and they will change accordingly.)

Could you not even consider a cosy night in maybe for a birthday or anniversary or when you're seeing him at a weekend (you imply he/you live away for work?)
Set the table, get the candles out , buy a top of the range meal deal dinner etc?

Why would sex have to last a long time?
I don't get what you mean there. Why would that be better than sex lasting a shorter time but doing the things you like done?

By being confident I mean being able to speak your mind in a way that is kind, thoughtful and expresses your feelings to the other person.

You do sound very negative as if this cannot change. It can but it depends how much it bothers you and how much effort you're willing to make, rather than expect him to be a mind reader.

It is also really about a Relationship and you'd get more advice by posting it there.

@bethanydutton my advice to you is talk to your husband, tell him how you feel. Start each sentence with I....Communication and sex is everything in a relationship and if you don't tell your husband what you like, don't like or how you want it, how is he to know. You stated that he inexperienced, so then both of you could teach each other what makes you guys feel good - learn new things. And remember it is not always about sex but just pure intimacy(breathing/touching/meditation etc). Do not think of it as you will be hurting his feelings because that is definitely not the intention but I really do think that people need to start being honest with each other especially when it comes to things like this. You have to remember that men and women's sexual needs are different and a marriage will not survive if there is not open and honest communication.
Maybe 1 night you take the lead and actually show him what kind of things turn you on, what kind of sex you want.... make yourself feel sexy, take charge and turn up the heat... you never know he might surprise you.

Wish you all the luck