16 yr old son expects too much

[Breathingthroughthecarnage]

So I let my son have a few mates round last night for Halloween and a couple stayed over. They're still in bed. I've cleaned up the mess they left, took 2 hours. I just told him that I've cleaned up for him...he said 'I didn't ask you to'. Completely disrespected me. He said I was going to do it later , except he wouldn't. He often makes promises that he doesn't keep. I asked him to walk to dog in an effort totally be fir my hard work and nit making him do it. Again, he said I didn't ask you to do it. He expects me to pay for his gym membership and complains he doesn't get enough from me. I give him £50 a month, I take him wherever he wants to go. He has a job. I take him and pick him up.
I am a single parent so I'm by no means rich. He is so mean and thinks it makes him look good in front if his friends, but it doesn't. I'm sorry, I just needed a rant. I just cant do anything right, unless I'm giving him money!!

You need to draw up a contract. It should specify what you are prepared to do for him and what he absolutely has to do for himself. It also needs to state what happens if he doesn’t do what he should. Eg not cleaning up after his party today would mean no friends in the house for a few weeks. Also what jobs are his and have to be done in order to get his money, jobs don’t get done? No pay! That’s real life and he needs preparing for the big wide world! Write it all down and get him to sign, explain you are treating him like an adult now and that’s how an adult’s life is.

And I would have had him out of his bed by 11am and cleaning up!

Bloody hell, get them up!
You need to learn to say no to him, and you need to set your expectations when you agree to do in be things for him.
Yes you can have friends round but everyone up by ten and needs cleared by midday.
Yes I'll pay for gym but in return you do X,y,z. And stick to it, no need for drama from your side, just state that thems the consequences for not doing xyz.

And also this passive aggressive cleaning up of his mess is totally counterproductive. Because, as he says, he didn't ask you to. And it makes you the lesser in the power dynamic, instead of the parent.

I agree wholeheartedly with posters 1 & 2 OP!

You didn't even give him the chance to clean up though so then getting in a strop about it isn't particularly fair.

He's 16. What's the problem with having a late night and getting up in the afternoon at 16? - it's a weekend in half term 🤷🏼

16 year olds can be self centred - that's hardly a newsflash. Start to give more independence and leave him a little more time to do things for himself. Like everyone else, he'll get there.

You are all so right. Trying to get him to do anything is so difficult. My daughter is 15 and has had a breakdown. She can't go to school anymore due to intense bullying for 4 years. She's been masking adhd and autism and is now in burnout. She's starting to come through it, but I've had to give her a lot of leaway and breathing space, and my son thinks he should have the same. He says , well 'sister' doesn't have to , so why should i ? I've tried explaining it all to him countless times but he doesn't really care. He really needs a bloody wake up call. He failed most of his exams (because he didn't work hard enough) or just scraped by through the skin of his teeth, I thought that would give him some perspective and motivation but it didn't. He has absolutely no respect for me. I think he'd respect me even less if he didn't get his £50! I am out of my depth. The only thing he will do is keep his room (relatively) tidy, but that's only in the days I take him to get the bus to get to college. He doesn't really have his mates round, he goes to theirs or stays in my himself.

How different is he being treated to his sister?

I didn't have a strop at him. My concern is that he was so dismissive when I did his work for him. I think the problem is he has too much time to himself.

I can see why he goes to his mates tbh

Well he isn't really, I don't make either of them do chores. I've tried in the past and we've draw up jobs lists. They're on for to begin with (with the offer of payment attached to each chore), but it lasts less time that it takes me to write the lists out! It ends up in nothing but battles and me trying to police them.

You're so supportive, thanks for your kind words and sage like advice!

It sounds like he does more and he's annoyed (understandably so imo) at the unfairness.

Just proving my point tbh

Sending hugs OP.

I'm a single mum with a 17yo ds who doesn't get to treat me like that. You need to stand up for yourself. Set some boundaries. Say no much more often.

My ds has a job too. He earns about £180 a month so I don't give him pocket money any more. Nor do I pay gym membership. He can afford Pure himself. He has a bike and can get himself around. I am not his chauffeuse although I will take him if he asks politely and the weather is bad.

If he speaks rudely to me, he apologises immediately or the router goes off, I mislay the car keys and I won't top up his phone. I just won't take that shit. 😁

Ds can make food. I keep basics in the freezer for him- sausage rolls, cornish pasties etc. There's always cheese & salad, bread & fruit & biscuits. But he isn't allowed food upstairs. He has to bring his laundry down or it doesn't get washed. And he makes supper on Fridays. Plus he helps with things like clearing gutters.

I suggest you start demanding a lot more, and giving less. Time to get on his case !!

This @Breathingthroughthecarnage set up your boundaries, it won't initially be easy but you will get there.

@Hoodlumboodlumstop being such a cow. The OP has done nothing to warrant your attitude.

OP I’ve had two 16 yr old DSs they were both hard work and drove me and my DH to distraction. They are both now lovely young men so don’t lose hope.

pick your battles - staying in bed until the afternoon on a weekend would be something I let go, but I wouldn’t tolerate rudeness especially in front of his friends and deserves sanctions e.g. not driving him to work etc. although be careful only to impose finite consequences. We learnt very quickly that e.g. “no phone until you apologise was setting us up for failure”.

it sounds like his home life with the stress of his sister has probably been tricky at times, try and cut him some slack where you can.

teenage boys can be awful I’m sorry.

16 yr olds can be selfish arseholes at the best of times! I would make sure that he knows that if he's rude to you, he won't be getting pocket money, lifts, meals cooked or washing done - and actually follow through. It won't hurt him or his sister to have some regular chores to do either - they are almost adults and should be contributing to the smooth running of the household. It sounds like you're a lovely mum and you've been through a really tough time with your daughter 💐 don't take all the work on your shoulders, these are the years to really encourage independence and helping with the cooking and cleaning and walking the dog etc is good for them. Try and carve out a bit of time for yourself to see friends, treat yourself to lunch out or a walk or pursue a hobby - you matter too!

He has a job so he doesn’t need pocket money from you or for you to pay his gym membership. I have a 17 year old who is at college but no part time job. I pay for his travel pass to college and am currently paying for driving lessons. He rarely gets any other money from me because a) I can’t afford it and b) I want him to be motivated to get a part time job.

Everyone is expected to pitch in around the home but nobody gets paid for it. I don’t get paid for it so why should they? It’s part and parcel of looking after yourself. All my children do their own laundry (youngest is the 17 year old).

I think you're being way too nice. I wouldn't be giving him money if he disrespected me that's for sure. He would have to earn privileges for that.

I wouldn't give lifts or do anything nice until he did tbh.

I feel your pain. If I'd stopped at 2 DC I would be able to come here and tell you that my children don't behave like that and you need more boundaries, but I challenge anyone to get my DD3 (15) to pull her weight. It's not easy. I have stopped expecting any help with washing up because I know that i am the most impacted by it not being done. I have stood my ground in areas where the consequences don't affect me. Eg I stopped changing her bed sheets. I told her a few times when a wash was going on but she didn't do it. Eventually she changed them probably after about 2 months. During that time, she's tried asking me to do it, telling me I'm neglecting her, telling me I'm a shit parent, telling me it's my job.
I think the idea of a contract like pp suggested is a good idea, but you might need to choose one area to focus on at a time so that you have the energy to stick to it.

Thank you dancing, I think hoodlum is being a knob and happy just to criticise. I'll keep the faith and try to set better boundaries. It's quite difficult when my 'recent' ex bad mouths me to him when they are together. His real dad died when he was 3. This is my first time on mumsnet, I think it will be my last. I've never known such criticism from ppl who know the tiniest part of someone's life. But thank you, you're right I do need to put my big pants on.

I'm such a mug

Thank you x

OP I know that people get a rough ride on here, but most people are giving you blunt but good advice. Ignore the goady bastards and stay for the support.

Stop giving him money and lifts!