16 yr old son expects too much

[Breathingthroughthecarnage]

So I let my son have a few mates round last night for Halloween and a couple stayed over. They're still in bed. I've cleaned up the mess they left, took 2 hours. I just told him that I've cleaned up for him...he said 'I didn't ask you to'. Completely disrespected me. He said I was going to do it later , except he wouldn't. He often makes promises that he doesn't keep. I asked him to walk to dog in an effort totally be fir my hard work and nit making him do it. Again, he said I didn't ask you to do it. He expects me to pay for his gym membership and complains he doesn't get enough from me. I give him £50 a month, I take him wherever he wants to go. He has a job. I take him and pick him up.
I am a single parent so I'm by no means rich. He is so mean and thinks it makes him look good in front if his friends, but it doesn't. I'm sorry, I just needed a rant. I just cant do anything right, unless I'm giving him money!!

Stop doing things for him, he will soon learn.

Don’t let one idiot put you off posting. I’ve been here for years and been ripped to shreds over personal experiences - learn to tune out the nastiness because there absolutely is great advice to be had. Posting on relationships or the parenting boards will help filter out the posters who are getting a kick out of being gratuitously mean.

also remember you have no idea what other posters experiences are - berating someone for parenting a belligerent 16 year old is easy when you have a toddler who can still be put on the naughty step.

one thing I always did with my eldest DS (who was by far the worst), no matter how much he pushed my buttons was learn to forgive him. Every night I would tell him “I know today hasn’t always been easy but I love you and want the best for you”.

years later he often cites that as really helping him. My experience was often teenage boys know they’re being arseholes but it’s very difficult for them to backdown: all that testosterone makes them want a fight. Don’t give it to them. That doesn’t mean abandon boundaries but don’t feed the flames.

Good luck

Stop doing so much for him.
No parties at your house.
No lifts unless there's no other option.
No more money handouts.
No more paying for stuff.

He is 16 ? He wants something he works for it . If he can’t grasp his sister has special needs then he is a spoiled brat !

My son works out his pocket money daily. He gets one amount of his attitude (£1 per day) and one amount for a job I need doing (another £1 per day)
So if he messes up a day he can still carry on the next day eith a clean slate.

However.... If in a week he gets the full £7 for a good attitude and the full £7 for jobs then I boost it to £20

He's 14 and has a lot on at school so I don't expect too much as he has specialised clubs two evenings a week and one Saturday to do with his school specialism. I give him jobs I hate like doing hard floors with the wipes and wiping out inside of the car etc

I found separating the attitude from the job gave him a chance to be shitty if he was in a bad mood that day but still do the work. (He doesn't get a free pass to speak to me like crap, and if he's really attitudy I add an extra job on)
I also call them jobs not chores as it seemed a bit more adult to have jobs and he responded better to that

He has two choices re his room.. He cleans it and has privacy, or I do it but his door remains open that day. Funnily enough he chooses the first after I got a screw driver and went to take his door off till he grew a better attitude 😂😂🚪

Hi OP - I have an AuDHD kid and a neurotypical kid too. I’d buy you a stiff drink if it wasn’t 7am!

It is very tricky navigating being a good parent to both and having them understand what you’re doing. In my case, I keep the lines of communication open to NT DD2 a lot, and have been very blunt with her about what I am doing. Yes, I parent you both differently. Yes, I expect different things. If you were hit by a bus tomorrow and broke both legs I would wheel you around in your wheelchair but I wouldn’t do it to both of you to be equal.

If you want the support DD1 has (in our case, home education amongst other things) you have to want all of her life. You can’t just pick and choose the bits of it which would make your like easier. You have to also have the inability to write legibly, the inability to manage social situations, the paucity of friends, the medical appointments, the meltdowns, the lack of academic success. Would you swap lives? Actually? No.

That said parenting a burned out autistic kid is so exhausting and worrying and you’re doing it alone. No wonder you don’t have the energy to lay down boundaries when they are being pushed at so aggressively. I would try appealing to reason before going in and being tough. I would agree with not getting annoyed at cleaning which took place while he was asleep though. What was happening that it took two hours to put right?

Try not to take to heart posters who are being crappy about your situation. It’s a whole different ball game they get to play - an easier one. Take care, and don’t beat yourself up. Frankly, that takes energy neither of us have to spare x

Hi op. My just turn 17 has turned into the same twatish behaviour.

Iv stopped giving money and he has to do his set chores then I pay him at the end of the week. Yep still lippy and a moan but they are getting done