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Original poster

Husband went NC with family what should I do?

50 replies

Primrose86 · 31/10/2025 16:30

Husband has decided to go NC with his family. I wouldn't go too much into the reasons why but ultimately he thinks this is the best for his mental health. There is a lot of baggage and history.

What should I do. I have a 3 month old and there is a part that felt sad that my child wouldn't know his grandma, aunts and uncles so I reached out to the family to say while dh wouldnt see them i could see them with our son. 2 of his sisters live overseas, mother and youngest sister live 2 miles from us. His sisters return sporadically to visit the mother and we used to see them when we used to visit his 94 year old grandpa.

Our son will be an only child for many reasons namely we never would have a village even if we were close. Plus we need a rock solid buffer given we dont have family help. I live very faraway from my parents and I eloped at 22. I am 33 now and I do go home to visit them and they came to see my son when he was born but given the 8 time zones that separate us and the history I think its hard for us to ever be close though I dont think we will ever go no contact given my parents and I have had our difficulties (they confiscated my savings when I eloped) but our relationship survived that.

I think it is my lack of family which has made me decide to see my husband's family out of my own volition even though he has deemed it detrimental to his own mental health but he says he wouldnt stop me from seeing anyone.

OP posts:
SoddingSoda · 31/10/2025 16:35

I think you should support your husband on this. If you don’t believe he should go NC support him with rekindling with them/going to therapy etc. But, if this isn’t an out-the-blue/for no reason, you should follow your husband’s lead and support him with being no contact.

There’s other way to build a village, we had to. We volunteered in our town, joined groups, went to church, I take my DC to a lot of activities. We’ve built ourselves an amazing circle and apart from Xmas day, it isn’t noticeable we don’t have a huge blood family.

AnnaMagnani · 31/10/2025 16:41

I'd think seriously about the effect of doing this on your marriage.

Your DH has gone NC for a good reason by the sounds of it. He is going to feel massively undermined by your choice. He also specifically does not want his family to know about his life - how is this going to work if you are meeting them? Are you going to only talk about the weather?

Octavia64 · 31/10/2025 16:43

Depends what they did.

his mum repeatedly sexually assaulted him as a kid - you don’t need that sort of village.

as always, it depends.

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Eyesopenwideawake · 31/10/2025 16:43

You have a family – your husband and child.

WhistPie · 31/10/2025 16:44

Don't take your guilt about your relationship with your parents out on your husband. What an unsupportive partner you are

Anditstartedagain · 31/10/2025 16:44

Without knowing the reasons it’s difficult to say. What does DH want? If his family is so bad that he has gone NC I doubt it’s in your child’s interests to continue a relationship with them.

Ibizaonmymind · 31/10/2025 16:45

You support your husband. He’s said it would affect his MH so you teally need to put him first.

I’m not saying you should have another child but I wouldn’t let the family thing stop me, I think it would make me want my child to have a sibling more.

Original poster
Primrose86 · 31/10/2025 16:45

SoddingSoda · 31/10/2025 16:35

I think you should support your husband on this. If you don’t believe he should go NC support him with rekindling with them/going to therapy etc. But, if this isn’t an out-the-blue/for no reason, you should follow your husband’s lead and support him with being no contact.

There’s other way to build a village, we had to. We volunteered in our town, joined groups, went to church, I take my DC to a lot of activities. We’ve built ourselves an amazing circle and apart from Xmas day, it isn’t noticeable we don’t have a huge blood family.

He is going to trauma therapy. Tbh I wouldnt have gone NC but LC which can be explained away fairly easily with the overseas sisters. Less so with the mother but honestly we have been low contact for a year, only seeing each other at official family events. There have been quite a few of them recently, a wedding for his sister, death of another grandpa, our son's baby blessing plus a party i held for our son. I also did invite my MIL to the hospital when my son was born but dh barely talked to her as only 2 people were allowed in the ward and he used that as an excuse to go out.

Dh now wants nc, maybe the family events were too numerous and within a short time frame. Well the sisters who were likely to marry are both married, so I think no more milestone events for a while.

We belong to a synagogue and I hang out with some nct mums, take baby to baby sensory. Everyone talks about their family, I kinda just smile vaguely. Even those with family outside London are constantly seeing them

OP posts:
MannersAreAll · 31/10/2025 16:46

If my DH decided that our children were to be in touch with my family that I'd taken the extremely difficult decision to be NC with it would be the end of our marriage.

Breaking those toxic ties was the hardest thing I've ever done. A partner who was unsupportive of that, and especially one who decided themselves our child would be in touch with them, isn't a partner I'd stay with.

Original poster
Primrose86 · 31/10/2025 16:47

Octavia64 · 31/10/2025 16:43

Depends what they did.

his mum repeatedly sexually assaulted him as a kid - you don’t need that sort of village.

as always, it depends.

No but her husband was violent towards him and my dh thinks she condoned it.

The fil is in Thailand, everyone is as good as nc with him and he doesnt want contact with most people

OP posts:
Ashersmom · 31/10/2025 16:47

Side with DH. I think it's awful to still see them when he chose not to.

Brightbluesomething · 31/10/2025 16:47

Why on earth are you undermining your Husband? I’d be furious with you for doing this.
If they’re so bad they damage his mental health, they’ll do the same to your child’s.
A village is only worth it if they’re good role models. They’re not.

HangryBlueCritic · 31/10/2025 16:47

Was your DH ok with you doing this? Did you ask first? If not I would be livid with you and consider it a deal breaker. I’m NC with my family and would not be ok with this arrangement if I was your husband. I think you’ve been very short sighted and selfish here.

Abracadabrador · 31/10/2025 16:48

It will likely end up damaging or destroying your marriage if you see the people your husband took the big decision to remove from his life.

If they are destroying his mental health, what will they do to the child?

Your husband is having therapy due to be traumatised. Don't allow the trauma to continue.

Original poster
Primrose86 · 31/10/2025 16:49

AnnaMagnani · 31/10/2025 16:41

I'd think seriously about the effect of doing this on your marriage.

Your DH has gone NC for a good reason by the sounds of it. He is going to feel massively undermined by your choice. He also specifically does not want his family to know about his life - how is this going to work if you are meeting them? Are you going to only talk about the weather?

When I say nc I meant he doesnt want to see them. When I see them I just talk about breastfeeding and mum stuff etc

Mil asked me about dh and I said its best not to talk about that, dont ask

OP posts:
Stillnotautumn · 31/10/2025 16:49

Terrible thing to do to your husband.
Children need a strong bond with their mum and dad. Grandparents, uncles aunts cousins are all secondary. Extended family is nice if it's a healthy relationship but detrimental if it's not a healthy relationship or causes stress to the parent.
Needing to maintain a relationship with difficult or toxic family because "family is necessary" is a myth perpetuated by controlling families.

Original poster
Primrose86 · 31/10/2025 16:50

HangryBlueCritic · 31/10/2025 16:47

Was your DH ok with you doing this? Did you ask first? If not I would be livid with you and consider it a deal breaker. I’m NC with my family and would not be ok with this arrangement if I was your husband. I think you’ve been very short sighted and selfish here.

He says i can see whatever family members I want to see. He says i may end up as the next scapegoat as he was so to be wary about that.

OP posts:
PlateGovCave · 31/10/2025 16:50

You should support your Dh. These people have treated him badly, why would you want to expose your child to people who did this to someone you love?

I am LC with a parent but my own child witnessed the verbal shit they dealt out to me and asked me outright why I would be around that? As parents we would encourage our children not to be friends with nasty children even if it isn't directed at our child, just the fact they choose to be like that and dish out crap.

You need to stop thinking you need a blood family, you don't if they have done so much damage to the man you love he is in trauma therapy. I live miles away from my family and Dh's family. We raised our children without the village, just lovely friends who we chose.

Ponderingwindow · 31/10/2025 16:52

Is your mil still with the man who abused your husband?

Gassylady · 31/10/2025 16:53

Goodness I really hope you are posting this as a wind up. He was assaulted, has been left traumatised, has made the decision for NC. You have undermined him totally just to avoid the embarrassment of saying to some other mums “families can be difficult in so many ways, we don’t see them” I mean really think about your priorities

Original poster
Primrose86 · 31/10/2025 16:53

PlateGovCave · 31/10/2025 16:50

You should support your Dh. These people have treated him badly, why would you want to expose your child to people who did this to someone you love?

I am LC with a parent but my own child witnessed the verbal shit they dealt out to me and asked me outright why I would be around that? As parents we would encourage our children not to be friends with nasty children even if it isn't directed at our child, just the fact they choose to be like that and dish out crap.

You need to stop thinking you need a blood family, you don't if they have done so much damage to the man you love he is in trauma therapy. I live miles away from my family and Dh's family. We raised our children without the village, just lovely friends who we chose.

He started out in therapy due to work stress but then he realized a big part of it was intergenerational trauma and the family dynamic.

He tried to just go LC with the mum but the family dynamic is very stressful for him as they are all narcissistic.

OP posts:
Original poster
Primrose86 · 31/10/2025 16:55

Ponderingwindow · 31/10/2025 16:52

Is your mil still with the man who abused your husband?

Nope. They divorced years ago and the guy skipped to Thailand. Mil used to leave dh for hours with him though. She told him when he asked her about it that
she had the children to save her marriage and preventing herself from committing suicide..

OP posts:
PlateGovCave · 31/10/2025 16:56

If they are narcissistic then support him and go NC yourself and your child. You cannot see that years down the line they could turn on you and use your child against you.

Original poster
Primrose86 · 31/10/2025 16:57

Gassylady · 31/10/2025 16:53

Goodness I really hope you are posting this as a wind up. He was assaulted, has been left traumatised, has made the decision for NC. You have undermined him totally just to avoid the embarrassment of saying to some other mums “families can be difficult in so many ways, we don’t see them” I mean really think about your priorities

The fil is no longer in the picture. The family dynamic of scapegoat and golden child etc still persists.

OP posts:
Abracadabrador · 31/10/2025 17:00

Primrose86 · 31/10/2025 16:57

The fil is no longer in the picture. The family dynamic of scapegoat and golden child etc still persists.

Show quote history

Since you know this, and that they have traumatised their child and have personality disorders, why is your child being exposed to them?
Your husband will be devastated.