Husband went NC with family what should I do?

[Primrose86]

Husband has decided to go NC with his family. I wouldn't go too much into the reasons why but ultimately he thinks this is the best for his mental health. There is a lot of baggage and history.

What should I do. I have a 3 month old and there is a part that felt sad that my child wouldn't know his grandma, aunts and uncles so I reached out to the family to say while dh wouldnt see them i could see them with our son. 2 of his sisters live overseas, mother and youngest sister live 2 miles from us. His sisters return sporadically to visit the mother and we used to see them when we used to visit his 94 year old grandpa.

Our son will be an only child for many reasons namely we never would have a village even if we were close. Plus we need a rock solid buffer given we dont have family help. I live very faraway from my parents and I eloped at 22. I am 33 now and I do go home to visit them and they came to see my son when he was born but given the 8 time zones that separate us and the history I think its hard for us to ever be close though I dont think we will ever go no contact given my parents and I have had our difficulties (they confiscated my savings when I eloped) but our relationship survived that.

I think it is my lack of family which has made me decide to see my husband's family out of my own volition even though he has deemed it detrimental to his own mental health but he says he wouldnt stop me from seeing anyone.

I did ask him and he is ok with it though he says they really dont deserve it.

I think the issue is he was fairly close to his sisters until v recently. I mean one barely called him unless it was to ask for money. I think it was because they hardly congregated as a family and individually they are fine and they are fine over zoom. Always been selfish but my dh knew that

But once they met as a family, their family dynamic went back into full swing except its worse now there are new members like my v objectionable brother in law who is basically a white supremacist in all but name.

If you acknowledge they are all narcissistic then as a mother your only instinct should be to protect your child by keeping them far, far away.

Support your husband, NC is the way here.

I would divorce you if you undermined me like this.

What on earth makes you think you should override his need to protect himself from his toxic family?

having a baby often creates big feelings about childhood trauma at the hand’s of your parents. You look at your child and know you would do anything to protect them. The love is unconditional. Yet, your own parent did not love you enough to protect you.

rationally, you may understand that the parent was likely also a victim of abuse, but that doesn’t stop the feeling of betrayal and lack of love.

You aren’t helping your husband or your daughter by taking her around someone he doesn’t really trust.

You sound awful. I bet your husband feels really unsupported and I expect your child will grow up with damaged MH from them as well.

On the one hand I get it, we live in a culture of people putting their family first and so not having a whole lot of family yourself feels very daunting. Perhaps more so when you have children that you feel will miss out.

On the other hand I agree with PP, this is going to harm your marriage.

Really interesting, OP, how your husband had a mother who didn't have his back when he was being abused, and now he has a wife who doesn't have his back when he's being abused. He may well see how he is trying to right the wrongs of the past in the present - by picking an unsupportive partner - as he continues in therapy.

Aside from that, OP, you know they are narcissistic and pick on scapegoats, and yet you want to expose your children to them.

I think the phrase is 'flying monkey'.

If that's not what you want to be, have your husband's back, for goodness sake! Cos yeah, I'd divorce you too.

Shark-vault time. No one is this thick...

Support him. Obviously.

@Primrose86 You are being massively unreasonable. You need to support your husband and work to understand his perspective. You need to accept his decision as your's even if you don't understand it 100pc. Saying that you would have gone LC instead of NC is offensive and dismissive. They are not your parents, so whatever his reasons hasn't impacted you the same way.

You should be so proud of your husband as this is the hardest thing to go through. He hasn't gone NC because of a few issues - likely there was neglect and/or abuse and your priority should be to protect your child, not expose it to the people your husband feels are damaging to his health and therefore to your child's health.

Look inwared and reflect why you have reacted the way you reacted. Guilt? Shame? Deal with that.

The more you write, the more I hope this is a windup.

Just 3 months ago when I gave birth, I got a phone with dh's sister shoved into my hand by dh just second after I had my c section and sepsis before that. We had another of dh's sisters flying in to see the family. The MIL was low contact but we saw her at family events.

Dh literally decided 2 days ago to go NC just after we attended the sister's wedding and booked a lot of nights at a hotel. Of course they weren't great as a family, expecting us to attend a whole lot of events even though we told them our baby was teething and shrieking. Their response- the venue is fine with the shrieking. They were calling us while we were on the ferry expecting us to meet literally seconds after we landed.

Think it was all this that made dh think boundaries and LC is not going to work. Tbh they usually want him not me which is why dh thought it was namely him who wanted to go NC

Once your husband goes through more therapy your shocking lack of support will come to mind for him.

It's absolutely appalling that you're not supporting him in such a major decision in his life, and quite possibly subjecting your child to being the scapegoat in time.

Sorry id support my husband, your dc will know no different.
My dh has no contact with his mother her choice, my dcs (now young adult and teen) have no idea of her existence and they haven’t missed out on anything.

I cannot imagine being this hideously disloyal to my DH. I have a sibling I am NC with and if DH continued a relationship with him, I genuinely think I would have to reconsider our marriage. I find your behaviour utterly abhorrent and so undermining of a choice he’s clearly wrestled with for some time. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Does your husband know you’ve contacted his family? And if they’re so toxic he’s cut them off why are you risking putting your child around that? Are you one of those people who because you grew up in a normal happy family you think everyone is good?

Support your husband and be a united front. NC isn’t a snap decision. Why would you want your baby exposed to someone toxic enough for your DH not to want to be around?
Because your parents are in Australia or whatever doesn’t mean that your ILs aren’t toxic. We don’t have a built in village either, thousands of families don’t. We have 3 kids partially because we wanted our kids to have each other!

you should know that children of scapegoats (that would be your child) often turn into scapegoats too.

No extended family is better than abusive family.

So they’re all narcissistic and his mum also sided with her husband when he was violent towards her son (your husband!) and you’ve still decided yours and husbands child deserves a relationship with these people? Really?!?! So his mum turned her back when he needed her and now his wife is doing the same. Your poor husband no wonder he’s in therapy!

And this relates to my comment in what way? You’re just telling me more ways in which these people are terrible, but you’re going to ignore all of that and stay in contact anyway.

You are being terrible partner. I’m very sorry, but there’s no nicer way to say that. Terrible.

Are you for real?

Why would you subject your child to this shit show?

How will you maintain boundaries like not talking about your h when your child is old enough to talk?

Do you plan to allow them access to your child without supervision?

How will you explain to your child why you are sucking up to people who caused your h so much pain? He said that he’s ok with you seeing them but do you really plan never to talk about the visits? NC means no passing on family news or gossip so these visits will end something that you and your child can’t discuss with your h. Why wouldn’t you support him?

Do you really think that blood is more important than protecting your child from their dysfunction? Not knowing about your dad’s painful and dysfunctional past is better than being sucked into their mess. What are you going to do when they start using your son to get their way and pressure him too?

I think that you need to wake up from your fantasy about your child growing up with their extended family. Your child and your marriage deserves protecting.

I’m confused what you get out of this? You say they’re narcissistics and that the mother condoned violence to her son.
If you’re worried about the lack of a community you can go to groups and meet people there. You mentioned a synagogue - doesn’t that have community events?

You should be firmly in your husband's corner.

Also, why on earth would you even want to subject your children to relatives so awful their own son doesnt want them in his life? Why wait for them to turn on your children to act?

This is horrible and a total betrayal of your H, nevr mind the fact that you are exposing your child to these people

Support your husband and his decision, especially as physical violence was involved.