Not living together means I never have any time...

[Pjnow]

I'm not complaining exactly, the relationship is working for me and I love having him around. I'm pretty sure I'll never live with a man again, but this relationship has reached a stage where were pretty much living together but in seperate houses iyswim. See each other almost every day, stay over sometimes, sometimes go back to our own homes.

So after work, we'll have dinner together, maybe go to the gym, watch some TV. But I have very little time at home alone. When were together we're together. E.g. when I was married, in the evenings DH and I would be at home together but often doing things seperately around the place. E.g. chores, reading, needlework. Now I always have a "guest" or am a guest elsewhere.

I'm not sure what the answer is or how a relationship where you don't share a home allows time for chores or solitary hobbies?

Do you need to see each other everyday? Why can’t you just have some nights alone at your place to fulfil that need? I would think that’s a benefit of not living together - more proper alone time if you want it.

Just say, Tuesday night i'm just going to have some time at home.

Surely the answer is simply to not see each other every night?
I would have thought the entire point of paying for two separate houses was so that each of you gets your own space.

I guess the simple answer is that we don't see each other every day!! Partly because of work but whilst we share some hobbies like the gym, we tend to go at different times just because of what suits us best.

Don’t see each other every day. If you want time to yourself alone at home then you need to actually go home alone and spend time there. So do that? Not really sure what it is that you’re asking.

It sounds like you are in fact living together. You're just doing that living together spread over two addresses…..

You either live together (which you have said you don’t want) or have a night or two apart

Sounds like you need to carve out some space. Have a couple of days a week where you don't see each other and do your own thing.

Like PPs have said just have a night or two where you don’t see each other. When do you catch up with friends etc?

You'll have even less time alone if you move in together. Just dont meet up say 2 evenings per week and see how that goes.

Toughie OP. I can’t see a way out.

When we didn't live together we would have a weekend plan and maybe see one another 1, max 2, nights a week. Just be honest and say you need a couple of nights at home alone to get the washing done. I think it's very unusual to see each other daily despite not living together, do you not each have other commitments or do you not discuss wanting to get some jobs and chores done. As much as anything, it's nice to have time apart and then have something new to talk about, even living together we have a couple of hobbies or friends we see so we don't just sit together every single night - I think I'd get bored if it was just the two of us 100% of the time.

It's not so much that I need time "alone" but time to get things done.

So, e.g. when I was married DH and I could have be at home together all weekend, pottering about doing our own things, maybe stop for a coffee break or watch a film together, but I wasn't "entertaining" him all day.

When we're at one another's houses you don't get on with your own things in the same way. Or we'll be on "dates" so out of the house.

You’re not listening, @Pjnow… You keep referring to your marriage - you cannot expect to replicate that dynamic with a boyfriend. It really would be healthier for you to accept spending some time in your own home, on your own. (Or with any family or friends.)

Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Rebuild some independent life that is just you.

So? You want time to do your own thing and just “be” at home. You can’t do that when you’re always “on” if you’re visiting each other. So have a night off!

You don’t live together, so why are you spending every day together? What’s the point? Just spend time at home alone.

Are you afraid of him or something? Afraid to tell him that you want a couple nights a week apart?

I don’t understand why the two of you are behaving the way you are. You don’t live together so take a break sometimes.

I thought you were going to say the time it takes travelling back and forth - which must add to the lack of free time too

I think I want to change accept to embrace, above.

At the moment your posts give the impression you’re at the very least avoiding, if not actually afraid of, spending any time alone.

No matter how lovely your boyfriend seems, he’ll lose respect for you if you are constantly available to him. It’s an old fashioned concept but, for heaven’s sake - give him a chance to miss you.

Go home. Rediscover you.

I don’t really get this because it isn’t rocket science. ‘Hi, can’t meet Tuesday sorry, looking forward to seeing you Wednesday though.’

You've created this situation, so you can uncreate it. Tuesdays and Thursdays you stay at yours and get on with what you need to. I don't understand the point of this thread to be honest - run your life in a way that makes sense to you.

Surely you just tell him need some time to yourself so on X and Y days you won’t be seeing him, obviously with some flexibility built in to swap days as things arise.

Even in a living together situation, partners have their own time for hobbies, seeing friends etc.
If you’re unhappy with the current arrangement then change it. Have a discussion, tell your partner what you need.

I see the difference. When you were with ex, you were both at home, so you both had your own stuff to do there. If you are with your DP, one doing their at home things would leave the other hanging out.

Just use this thread to formulate your thoughts and talk, it's ok to want to adjust things.

There are two potential changes, one is just not meeting on some days. The other would be if you both have something you want/need to do and can do it in the other's house, for example you taking the needles to his and recreating the close but separate feel that way.

Do you never do anything alone? See friends or family?
Surely if you go to the gym or similar just go home afterwards and spend some time in your own house alone.
You are basically living together but across two homes.

How long have you been together? I am in a similar situation but it works because we view both houses as 'home'. I don't have to entertain anyone, we have keys to each others houses and we both do housework wherever we are so no one is a guest as such.

The simple answer is don’t see each other every day! Why not see each other, say, 4 days a week and have 3 days each to yourselves? As you describe it, the current situation seems very smothering, I couldn’t deal with it!