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Original poster

I suspect I am being a brat

41 replies

Pebbles16 · 29/10/2025 20:33

Not AIBU so please not a pile on

My DSis and nephew are visiting us from overseas for Christmas which is super-exciting. First time in nine years and likely to be the only Christmas we all get to be together (although DH won't be with us due his own parents' ill health and space).

Apparently, my DSis has decreed no adult presents. This is a bit awkward as I've already bought hers and have very clear ideas about what I want to give my DPs (tickets so they can have experiences with DSis and nephew).

The first I've heard of it is tonight. I am gutted that it will not go down well to give something to my parents. I can't imagine not giving them a gift - even if it's just a tiny something.

For backstory. DSis is golden child. Very strident. Love her dearly and admire her boundaries with my DPs (who weren't great when we were children). But I have moved on for my own peace of mind.

I have been in tears. Just feels like she's dictating everything and it's bringing up a lot...

OP posts:
LaserPumpkin · 29/10/2025 20:35

I’d probably respect her wishes and not give her a present (can it be returned?) but she doesn’t get to dictate what you give to your parents. That is none of her business.

Just give your parents what you’d planned. Tough if she has a strop about it.

TheChosenTwo · 29/10/2025 20:36

Sounds potentially (because we don’t know any more than you’ve posted) that she’s saving money because of the travel costing a bomb, also probably limited in space.
If you want to get your parents something that’s up to you.
Why have you just blithely accepted that your sister can make rules for anyone other than yourself?
The crying seems rather dramatic!

KidsDoBetter · 29/10/2025 20:36

Dear DSis - oh that’s a shame. I’ll be giving presents to you, DP, X & Y. No need of course for you to reciprocate.

end of. Don’t seek her permission.

Original poster
Pebbles16 · 29/10/2025 20:38

TheChosenTwo · 29/10/2025 20:36

Sounds potentially (because we don’t know any more than you’ve posted) that she’s saving money because of the travel costing a bomb, also probably limited in space.
If you want to get your parents something that’s up to you.
Why have you just blithely accepted that your sister can make rules for anyone other than yourself?
The crying seems rather dramatic!

You're right. The crying is too much. Hormones probably.
Money is tight for all of us.
No one would approve if I went against her wishes.

OP posts:
GooseyGandalf · 29/10/2025 20:39

“But I’ve already bought gifts. No need to reciprocate. You’ll have travel expenses and your presence is the best of company”

Werp · 29/10/2025 20:39

Say as soon as possible that you already have presents sorted, but that you’re happy not to receive anything from her, and just act like it’s not a big deal at all in a fake-it-till-you-make-it kind of way. If she tries to make it a drama (assuming that’s likely from your description as strident) then grey rock her.

LaserPumpkin · 29/10/2025 20:39

No one would approve if I went against her wishes.

That sounds a very unhealthy dynamic. I would be pushing back on that one.

MatchaMatchaMatcha · 29/10/2025 20:39

She can't decree that you don't give presents to your parents and you can always send hers on as a random gift in a few months.

You're in control of how you react and your choices, not her.

GooseyGandalf · 29/10/2025 20:40

Why “a brat” @Pebbles16 ?
was that what you were called as a child?

Zempy · 29/10/2025 20:41

Just tell her she’s too late, never mind, but you don’t expect anything in return.

SconehengeRevenge · 29/10/2025 20:42

Just add to what @KidsDoBetter said....
(And preferably post it in a family group chat)

Dear DSis - oh that’s a shame, I've already started present buying. I’ll be giving presents to you, DP, X & Y. No need of course for you to reciprocate, especiallyas youve had travel costs.

and as @KidsDoBetter said...
end of. Don’t seek her permission.

Edited to add
Ooops, sorry @GooseyGandalf
I hadn't seen your post when I started typing

minipie · 29/10/2025 20:42

Well she doesn’t get to decree. She gets to suggest, and the other adults can either agree or not agree. And tbh she should have suggested MONTHS ago before people start buying.

Do you think your parents are quite keen on the idea? Maybe they find it a relief? If so then it probably is best if you go along. I’d be trying to find out what they really want.

If the consensus is no adult gifts then as a pp said, can her gift be returned? Or perhaps it’s something you would like yourself?

The gift for your parents - I would say just give it anyway but they might feel awkward if they haven’t got you anything. If making it a Christmas present will cause an issue, then could you give it as an anniversary gift or an early/late joint birthday gift…?

Thedogscollar · 29/10/2025 20:42

Hi OP What do you mean your dsis has decreed no adult presents? How does she get to decide what you do at Xmas.
I'd ignore her declaration, saying oh well that's too bad as I've bought yours and parents and have no intention of not giving them. You could say if you'd rather not have your gift I can return it or gift to someone else or keep it for yourself!
It's lovely she's coming over with nephew but she can't stipulate what you can and can't do re gifting at Xmas. She can do her thing and you do yours.
Be as assertive as she is and don't back down. It's your Xmas too.

Hatty65 · 29/10/2025 20:43

"I've already purchased my gifts for Mum and Dad, Sarah. I will of course respect your wishes and not buy for you if you don't wish me to'.

No more to be said. She doesn't get to dictate what others do for Christmas.

Splendidbouquet · 29/10/2025 20:45

If she has decided she doesn't want to give presents she has every right not to do so. And I have some sympathy with her view point .
But she can't tell you what to do OP. You go ahead and give whatever presents you want to give.

FuzzyWolf · 29/10/2025 20:46

“Sorry, I’ve already bought adult presents for Christmas but fully understand you not getting me one in return.” They repeat as necessary. People can control what they do but not what others do.

Original poster
Pebbles16 · 29/10/2025 20:46

GooseyGandalf · 29/10/2025 20:40

Why “a brat” @Pebbles16 ?
was that what you were called as a child?

Frequently... and worse

OP posts:
DickDewey · 29/10/2025 20:48

Just give your parents their gift when you’re alone with them?

Original poster
Pebbles16 · 29/10/2025 20:49

Thedogscollar · 29/10/2025 20:42

Hi OP What do you mean your dsis has decreed no adult presents? How does she get to decide what you do at Xmas.
I'd ignore her declaration, saying oh well that's too bad as I've bought yours and parents and have no intention of not giving them. You could say if you'd rather not have your gift I can return it or gift to someone else or keep it for yourself!
It's lovely she's coming over with nephew but she can't stipulate what you can and can't do re gifting at Xmas. She can do her thing and you do yours.
Be as assertive as she is and don't back down. It's your Xmas too.

Thank you and to other who have said similar.
She is my little sister but she terrifies me and my DPs bend over backwards for her - always have, always will.

OP posts:
Endofyear · 29/10/2025 21:20

Honestly? If your sister terrifies you and you've been in tears over this, I think you need to have some counselling. Regards the presents, I'd not give her one but I'd just tell her you've already bought for your parents. She doesn't get to tell you who you can and can't buy for.

Original poster
Pebbles16 · 29/10/2025 21:21

minipie · 29/10/2025 20:42

Well she doesn’t get to decree. She gets to suggest, and the other adults can either agree or not agree. And tbh she should have suggested MONTHS ago before people start buying.

Do you think your parents are quite keen on the idea? Maybe they find it a relief? If so then it probably is best if you go along. I’d be trying to find out what they really want.

If the consensus is no adult gifts then as a pp said, can her gift be returned? Or perhaps it’s something you would like yourself?

The gift for your parents - I would say just give it anyway but they might feel awkward if they haven’t got you anything. If making it a Christmas present will cause an issue, then could you give it as an anniversary gift or an early/late joint birthday gift…?

My DM loves giving gifts. She always gets very thoughtful presents, beautifully wrapped.
I think this will be a strain on her.
But she is so desperate for DSis's acceptance that she will declare it's great idea.
She knows I am upset but her only focus is keeping DSis happy (because I will always be here, picking up the pieces and not 12,000 miles away with her grandson).
I don't want to turn this into a pity party and have messaged DSis that I would like to give our parents gifts so that they can spend quality time with them
Think AltonTowers and rugby tickets - although not those things.
Edited for typos

OP posts:
AliceMaforethought · 29/10/2025 21:23

Why do you still have any of these toxic people in your life? I wouldn't bother with any of them!

Original poster
Pebbles16 · 29/10/2025 21:24

Endofyear · 29/10/2025 21:20

Honestly? If your sister terrifies you and you've been in tears over this, I think you need to have some counselling. Regards the presents, I'd not give her one but I'd just tell her you've already bought for your parents. She doesn't get to tell you who you can and can't buy for.

Believe me I am in therapy. My sister is the tip of the iceberg!

OP posts:
Original poster
Pebbles16 · 29/10/2025 21:25

AliceMaforethought · 29/10/2025 21:23

Why do you still have any of these toxic people in your life? I wouldn't bother with any of them!

Because I love them - dysfunctionally!

OP posts:
AliceMaforethought · 29/10/2025 21:28

Pebbles16 · 29/10/2025 21:25

Because I love them - dysfunctionally!

Show quote history

Please take care of yourself first. Life's too short to play second fiddle to other people. I don't understand how someone who has been the non golden child can even look at their parents and sibling.