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Original poster

I suspect I am being a brat

41 replies

Pebbles16 · 29/10/2025 20:33

Not AIBU so please not a pile on

My DSis and nephew are visiting us from overseas for Christmas which is super-exciting. First time in nine years and likely to be the only Christmas we all get to be together (although DH won't be with us due his own parents' ill health and space).

Apparently, my DSis has decreed no adult presents. This is a bit awkward as I've already bought hers and have very clear ideas about what I want to give my DPs (tickets so they can have experiences with DSis and nephew).

The first I've heard of it is tonight. I am gutted that it will not go down well to give something to my parents. I can't imagine not giving them a gift - even if it's just a tiny something.

For backstory. DSis is golden child. Very strident. Love her dearly and admire her boundaries with my DPs (who weren't great when we were children). But I have moved on for my own peace of mind.

I have been in tears. Just feels like she's dictating everything and it's bringing up a lot...

OP posts:

Iloveacurry · 29/10/2025 21:36

What did your parents do when you were a child? And why are you so afraid of your sister? Sounds like her living on the other side of the world is a good thing. And perhaps you live too close to your parents!

Whereismyfleeceblanket · 29/10/2025 21:40

Who made dsis your boss?

Sunshineismyfavourite · 29/10/2025 21:45

DSis is the brat here OP.

Why is she 'allowed' to tell you who you can buy presents for? It's ridiculous. Just give your parents their presents and keep the one you bought for her for yourself. You don't have to explain to anyone why you want to give your parents a Christmas present. If it doesn't go down well with her that that's her problem. You've said yourself that you can't imagine not giving your parents a present.

Why are you putting her selfish and rather weird demands above your own feelings?

GAJLY · 29/10/2025 21:50

I'd honestly embrace it. Return what presents you have.

NotForTheMoneyandNotForTheApplause · 29/10/2025 21:51

You don't need her permission to buy your parents gifts, she's not the boss of you.

BingBongBish · 29/10/2025 21:54

Just tell her despite the fact it's October, she's too late and you've already bought them 🤷‍♂️

MCF86 · 29/10/2025 22:03

"I've already bought for you and DPs but I wasn't not expecting you to after the costs and hassle of travel, I already considered that as our gift"

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 29/10/2025 22:08

LaserPumpkin · 29/10/2025 20:35

I’d probably respect her wishes and not give her a present (can it be returned?) but she doesn’t get to dictate what you give to your parents. That is none of her business.

Just give your parents what you’d planned. Tough if she has a strop about it.

Exactly.

Presents aside OP, the mere facts you think you are being a brat for no reason whatsoever, and you are terrified of your sister - and yet feel you need to say you are 'super excited' for her to be coming - are all strong indicators that all is not well with your self-worth.

I wouldn't see more of her than you really want to - migraines can be handy here I find.

After Christmas have a think about what is going on for you, and how you can start to feel better about yourself.

Edit - didn't see your last post - I am glad you are in therapy, but unless it's quite a new thing you might want to consider if your therapist is doing a good job of helping you, because on the face of it your self esteem seems to be v low.

Sorry too you had a such a rough time as a kid, and I hope you can gradually reduce the amount of picking up of pieces you do for your parents.

UnintentionalArcher · 29/10/2025 22:16

Sounds like lots of issues and a backstory here. It might help to think about how you can use language to push back and indicate boundaries without being confrontational, if you want to avoid that. For example:

’Thanks for the suggestion about presents. I’ve already bought for the parents (and to be honest would want to give to them even if I hadn’t) so I’ll give those gifts. I’ve also already bought for you but I’m happy to return that if you prefer/save it for someone else (delete as appropriate)’.

Shinyandnew1 · 29/10/2025 22:48

My DM loves giving gifts. She always gets very thoughtful presents, beautifully wrapped. I think this will be a strain on her.But she is so desperate for DSis's acceptance that she will declare it's great idea.She knows I am upset but* her only focus is keeping DSis happy*

I would be spending my Christmas away from this horrendous toxic mess and spent it with your husband and his family instead. Your sister sounds like a petulant child and your mum is just going to enable her behaviour over and over. I suspect this will only be the first of a whole cacophony of things that will upset you over the next 8 weeks.

DappledThings · 29/10/2025 22:54

Just don't give her hers if she doesn't want to be part of present exchanging (we don't do adult presents on my side of the family and it's such a relief) but if you want to give your parents what you've already got then do. Away from your sister if needs be.

VoltaireMittyDream · 29/10/2025 22:57

Maybe your sister has something of a point, and if your parents treated you badly when you were growing up it may not be doing you a lot of good to be ‘moving on’ from that by lavishing them with presents and thoughtfully facilitating activities for them to enjoy with their grandson, all while living in mortal fear of their disapproval…?

Take your sister’s present back to the shop, say the tickets are essentially a gift for your nephew.

(As an aside - do your parents want to go to Alton Towers etc? Have you planned these outings without involving any of the people who are meant to be going? Because if so, that is weird and not always a welcome present for people)

Livpool · 30/10/2025 12:08

She can make he choice and you can make yours. She isn’t the boss!

Livpool · 30/10/2025 12:10

Having read your other posts OP I wouldn’t bother seeing any of them at Christmas or any other time!

Brelim · 30/10/2025 12:14

I love my siblings and we get on well. If one couldn’t afford to do presents I wouldn’t embarrass them by giving them a present. I would give my parents a present on another day they weren’t there in order for nobody to feel awkward. I appreciate you have some issue with your family, but could you not just do this?

Cherrysoup · 30/10/2025 14:28

She’s staying with you? She does not get to dictate what you do in your house, assuming you’re hosting her, her ds and your parents for Christmas. Don’t allow her to set the rules for your Christmas!

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