Family bereavement etiquette

[cherrypied]

DH grandmother has died in her late 90s after a long illness and slow terrible decline.

I’m close to MIL. I’ve spoken to her and will see her today.

in this situation I don’t know whether to send a card or flowers to MIL as it’s family we are also bereaved but I want mil to know I am thinking of her all the time.

DH has no emotions at all but that is another thread

Sorry for your families loss OP.

If you’re seeing her today I’d take some flowers, it’s just a nice gesture, maybe take over something like a lasagne she can just reheat later save her having to think about cooking.

Sorry for your loss.
I would likely make a tin of shortbread if I had time, or buy a nice box of biscuits. Something for MIL to eat or offer round if she has visitors. Flowers are lovely, but will she get them from other people, too many just become another thing to deal with. Some people find it hard to throw them away when they are finished too.

Right I’ll get something as a nice gesture but not flowers. I also hate flowers after a loss.

Yes I agree take her something today. Doesn’t have to be flowers, could be a cake/biscuits, or some meals so she doesn’t have to think about cooking.

She will be getting visitors, biscuits she can round would be practical. Asking her what you can do to help, perhaps taking on some of the contacting of people, would show your sympathy.

Let her know about the tell us once site. https://www.gov.uk/after-a-death/organisations-you-need-to-contact-and-tell-us-once

Flowers will be nice for her home as she'll be getting visitors. I would get some cake or nice biscuits too so she has easy things to pass around.
Your mil is going to most appreciate your company, though. Your time is the best thing you can offer her both now and especially when the funeral etc is over.

Do exactly as you feel you want to. Any show of caring is correct.
Lovely to have good relationship with your MIL.

Not being able to show your emotions is different from not having any which I am sure you understand. Look after DH too. Take care.

She is more bereaved than you, so it’s right that you take something. And you can do some practical things in the house too.

I took scones & bara brith to FiL after my MiL died so that we had something to give to visitors. Cooking them also helped me.

So sorry for your loss. Does your MiL have particular chocolates or something that she really likes that you could get her?

No flowers or cards as she will be inundated - if you live close by, show her by doing things for her. Fill her freezer with easy meals. Do some of her washing/ironing for her. Her house will be filled with flowers but she will need physical support through this time.

Sorry for your loss. Instead of flowers maybe do a rose bush to the garden to commemorate her

Yea I will do that I did that for my former when her mum died.

Yes I need to be more understanding of DH. Thank you for reminding me. His mum said that he can’t cope and my mum said the same thing.

I'd cut your DH some slack. It might have been a slow decline, but at 90 it's not unexpected and sometimes the expected deaths don't bring forth as much emotion as much as unexpected deaths. It's like you slowly greive for their passing while they're still here, and it eats away at you, until you've no emotion left to give. In the end it can feel like a bit of a relief.

To your MIL she will be more shocked, that's her mum. The person who tucked her in at night and nursed her while she was ill.

I agree, no flowers, flowers wilt and die and it can just feel like you're surrounded by death after already struggling because of one bereavement. Take a card, take her some food, give her a hug and tell her you're sorry for her loss, ask her if she'd like a cup of tea and any help and let her know you're available to help her so she doesn't have to organise everything on her own if you've got the capacity to help her.

Just remember for your DH, it is still a loss too, he just might not have the bandwidth to deal with it, especially if he's been MILs main method of offloading during the decline.

I would do a card and biscuits or similar. She might like to keep the cards.

Maybe take a plant so she doesn’t have to worry about vases.

You seem like a lovely, thoughtful daughter in law, OP. I’m so sorry for your family’s loss.

Ah thank you @MaidOfSteel I felt like I’ve a had a bit of pasting from som posters actually I’m just trying to do the right thing.

I’ve bought us all a rose named after DGMIL. I will pot it up and gift it next spring. I have told them all and sent a picture of it.

I’ve asked if she needs help and she has said not and she is coming to see us after she has cleared the fridge and turned off the electricals. We will have tea and a cry and we will invite them for Sunday lunch tomorrow.

I can’t leave the house at the moment as I am incapacitated. I’ve volunteered DH. It’s been a week!

I hope you’re feeling better soon, too! I lost an aunt this week; I hadn’t even known she was ill so it was a shock. I think it’s equally difficult if it has been a drawn out illness, too. As you said, you want to make a gesture, but don’t want to intrude either. It’s not wanting to upset people any more than they already are, isn’t it.

I think the rose is a wonderful idea! And I imagine all the family are seeing and appreciating your support. X

Aw @MaidOfSteel I’m so sorry for your loss too. That must be such a shock.

I’m feel for MIL we were hoping she would pass peacefully for the last few months but it has been so drawn out and now it’s happened she though she was prepared but she wasn’t. She has been bed bound for two years after a hip fracture.

Oh that’s so sad. Look after each other and you’ll get through. Sending a hug. X

I also don’t think you need think that your instinctive choice is wrong, You know the lady concerned, People get comfort from different things,
Giving a flowering shrub, which has already been suggested, is also a lovely idea, maybe ask if she would like any help planting it when she is ready.

I’d go against the grain and say buy flowers.

I loved receiving flowers when my dad died. My friends colluded so I wasn’t bombarded at once. My kitchen and sitting room had fresh flowers on display for at least 8 weeks. I’m so known for being scary particular, they were always only flowers I’d choose myself.

Some other friends bought me hydrangea shrubs as they know they’re my favourite. Now, 4 years on, I really love seeing them flower each year.

Sorry for your loss. When my grandparents died it didn't cross my mind to start sending cards, I was too upset. There is no way we are of a different generation either. Don't send flowers, no one needs to deal with that nonsense when they have a lot on. Comfort food, help and sympathy

Maybe not a card but flowers or a meal she can heat up? My step grandad died and we bought her some daffodils as they're her favourite and they had just come into season, with a vase. It's your loss to so you don't need to go OTT