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Original poster

What makes someone a "partner"?

31 replies

Rollerful · 21/10/2025 15:00

And why does it matter so much to some women people?

I hadn't really thought about it tbh, I use partner because I don't know of another suitable word, but I was telling a friend how supportive "DP" has been during a family crisis and she properly scolded me for calling him partner when we don't live together and have only been together a year.

We'll probably never live together and don't have any financial ties, but he is absolutely the person I turn to in any crisis and is just "there" for me even when I don't realise I need him.

Dad has been seriously ill. DP will drop everything to run errands associated with his care and has been coming to visit him in hospital at least twice a week, armed with books and sports reports Dad might enjoy.

My young adult DS has struggles emotionally and whilst DP has never tried to be a father figure, he has been an interested and supportive friend to him, which has helped me enormously. He's also taken him for driving practice because me doing that is a very bad idea

He turned up with dinner, when I had an unusual very late finish at work.

He came to see me in his lunch break when I was unwell.

We don't run a home together, but our lives are intertwined, and he supports all my career and other goals with practical help etc.

To me he feels like a partner, and I guess that's what matters, but I was taken aback by just how much it seemed to matter to this friend.

OP posts:
blobby10 · 21/10/2025 15:03

He was my partner because at 50 it felt ridiculous to call him my boyfriend which (to me) was something for young people although I was OK with him calling me his girlfriend! like you, we didn't share a house or anything financial but were 'together' for five years.

What word does your 'friend' suggest you use instead?

Juniperberry55 · 21/10/2025 15:19

A partner is anyone you consider yourself to be in a relationship with deserving of the word partner. It's not for others to define.
Some people may live with their partner and they may be less supportive than yours. I wouldn't care what others think of your relationship or how you want to define it. As long as your happy

MoominMai · 21/10/2025 15:35

@Rollerful YANBU and your friend just sounds jealous tbh. What does she expect you to call him then? Gentleman friend? 🙄

@blobby10 my last relationship was as 48 dating a 50 year old and he would refer to me as his GF sometimes and it felt weird lol. So I always referred to him as partner to others but BF in cards to him lol as he seemed to prefer that 😅

OriginalUsername2 · 21/10/2025 15:47

How dare she scold you for anything at all?

Wonderbug81 · 21/10/2025 15:50

Rollerful · 21/10/2025 15:00

And why does it matter so much to some women people?

I hadn't really thought about it tbh, I use partner because I don't know of another suitable word, but I was telling a friend how supportive "DP" has been during a family crisis and she properly scolded me for calling him partner when we don't live together and have only been together a year.

We'll probably never live together and don't have any financial ties, but he is absolutely the person I turn to in any crisis and is just "there" for me even when I don't realise I need him.

Dad has been seriously ill. DP will drop everything to run errands associated with his care and has been coming to visit him in hospital at least twice a week, armed with books and sports reports Dad might enjoy.

My young adult DS has struggles emotionally and whilst DP has never tried to be a father figure, he has been an interested and supportive friend to him, which has helped me enormously. He's also taken him for driving practice because me doing that is a very bad idea

He turned up with dinner, when I had an unusual very late finish at work.

He came to see me in his lunch break when I was unwell.

We don't run a home together, but our lives are intertwined, and he supports all my career and other goals with practical help etc.

To me he feels like a partner, and I guess that's what matters, but I was taken aback by just how much it seemed to matter to this friend.

I think traditionally a partner tends to meet someone you live with etc but I'm with you and other posters here.

Boyfriend doesn't feel right given our ages but more importantly doesn't feel significant enough.

Ignore everyone else and call him what feels right to you.

Original poster
Rollerful · 21/10/2025 15:53

OriginalUsername2 · 21/10/2025 15:47

How dare she scold you for anything at all?

I know, but it really did seem to matter to her and you do occasionally see that here. Someone will compalin about a DP and rather than respond to the issues, posts will be about whether he counts as a partner or not.

I wondered why it matters so much to some?

OP posts:
HiCandles · 21/10/2025 15:57

In my mind it's a partner if you do any of: live together, have children together, have shared finances, are over 40.
I think it's very silly when I hear teens referring to their partner of 3 months when both are living with parents or away at uni. To me that's a boyfriend or girlfriend. It seems that people use partner to legitimise a relationship and make it seem more fixed and important than it really is.

Original poster
Rollerful · 21/10/2025 16:00

HiCandles · 21/10/2025 15:57

In my mind it's a partner if you do any of: live together, have children together, have shared finances, are over 40.
I think it's very silly when I hear teens referring to their partner of 3 months when both are living with parents or away at uni. To me that's a boyfriend or girlfriend. It seems that people use partner to legitimise a relationship and make it seem more fixed and important than it really is.

But why does it matter to anyone else how "important" a relationship is?

OP posts:
MsGiGi · 21/10/2025 16:02

I use the term partner because I’m in a same sex relationship. It avoids me being judged for my preferences.

We have a home together and we tackle any issues together. That’s partnership. It seems juvenile to call her my girlfriend at this big age.

narnia2025 · 21/10/2025 16:04

I started calling dp partner when we started living together. He was my boyfriend before that. wouldn’t have called him partner if we weren’t living together. Don’t know why just doesn’t seem to fit

Brightbluesomething · 21/10/2025 16:06

Call him what you want, it’s your relationship. It sounds like he’s being really supportive during a difficult time for you which is great.
What exactly has she done to help you? If she can find the time to criticise your terminology I hope she’s also helpful to you too. Otherwise ‘friend’ is not an appropriate word to use to describe her.

Juniperberry55 · 21/10/2025 16:07

HiCandles · 21/10/2025 15:57

In my mind it's a partner if you do any of: live together, have children together, have shared finances, are over 40.
I think it's very silly when I hear teens referring to their partner of 3 months when both are living with parents or away at uni. To me that's a boyfriend or girlfriend. It seems that people use partner to legitimise a relationship and make it seem more fixed and important than it really is.

I'm in my 30s, have a partner of 3 years, no children, don't live together, no shared finances. Still my partner, because that's what I call him

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 21/10/2025 16:09

If you regard him as your partner, then he is your partner.

There is no legal definition of the term as far as I'm aware, and it's not for your friend to dictate.

Onlyinthrees · 21/10/2025 16:37

Rollerful · 21/10/2025 15:53

I know, but it really did seem to matter to her and you do occasionally see that here. Someone will compalin about a DP and rather than respond to the issues, posts will be about whether he counts as a partner or not.

I wondered why it matters so much to some?

Show quote history

I don’t know what your friend’s problem is, but on here there are loads of posters who relish going onto threads (no matter what the subject) just to correct the OP’s spelling and grammar.
They just love being pedantic and winding people up. I would imagine anyone who does this with the partner thing is doing it for that same reason.

THisbackwithavengeance · 21/10/2025 16:48

She’s not wrong though. Partner to me implies a relationship akin to marriage where you at least live together.

I would have no problem in calling him my boyfriend. Or gentleman friend to quote my old mum. Why make it out to be what it’s not?

TheFiveLakes · 21/10/2025 16:52

Although of course you get to define your own relationship and your friend shouldn't tell you what to call him, you do get posters on here refering to a "partner" who they appear to barely be in a relationship with (or even know particularly well) at all.

I'd have a vague notion of either living together or it being a relationship of several years tbh but certainly take your points about quality of relationship (generally behaving in line with the meaning of the word partner) and also not knowing what other word is available to mature people in an exclusive romantic relationship.

If it feels like a partnership then it's the right word.

bigbootsweather · 21/10/2025 16:59

To me, 2 people are 'Partners' when have shared plans, goals etc and are the one another's main supporter. 2 people who are together and plan to be there for eachother in the long term to work through what life throws at them together. This can take lots of forms, and it's not necessary that the live together, have children together etc.

In most cases I don't think it's anyone else's business whether someone is a 'Partner' or some other relationship. To question someone when they refer to someone as their Partner is pretty intrusive and should not be done unless there is very good reason.

The only time it really makes me roll my eyes is when very young people use the term to refer to someone they have been seeing for about 5 minutes. For example, in my younger days a friend was livid that her 'Partner' had not been invited to another friend's wedding when other people's partners were invited. The other partners were people the B&G knew well and who had been with their partner for a long time. The friend complaining about this had been seeing their 'Partner' for about 2 weeks when save the date cards were sent out and they'd split up before the official invitations were sent.

Purplecatshopaholic · 21/10/2025 17:04

Sometimes we say partner, sometimes boyfriend/girlfriend. Don’t particularly like partner but at our age it seems silly saying boyfriend/girlfriend and we’ve never come up with anything more suitable!

Insidelaurashed · 21/10/2025 17:08

I'd usually say partner for someone living together but in your situation OP, all the things you've said your partner does-helping out your DS by being a friend, bringing you food after that late shift, visiting your Dad so much-feels like the sort of stuff you do in a serious relationship akin to living together. He's more deserving of the term 'partner' than someone who lives with their other half and refuses to contribute to their shared life.

LadyLolaRuben · 21/10/2025 17:14

To me a partner is someone you share all aspects of life with - mortgage, bills bank accounts etc

Original poster
Rollerful · 21/10/2025 17:27

LadyLolaRuben · 21/10/2025 17:14

To me a partner is someone you share all aspects of life with - mortgage, bills bank accounts etc

Maybe its a life stage thing? As a middle aged woman of independent means 🤣 I'm dammed if I'm ever sharing finances again or accepting the domestic druggery that always seems to go with cohabitation for women

I'm not sure why that means I can't have a partner.

OP posts:
ginasevern · 21/10/2025 17:33

To me a "partner" would suggest someone you live with and share most aspects of your life with, like being married but without the certificate. But I agree that when you reach a certain age "boyfriend" really does sound lame. Either way, your friend has no business scolding you whatever you call him.

FlatErica · 21/10/2025 17:36

I switched to partner when I started to feel we were too old for boyfriend, then we got a civil partnership and it became the “correct” word!

MidnightMeltdown · 21/10/2025 17:39

Partner refers to a mature relationship. Nothing to do with living arrangements.

Once you’re over 30, it starts getting weird if you refer to a partner as your ‘boyfriend’. I think that’s why people tend to switch to partner.

Ponderingwindow · 21/10/2025 17:45

There are obvious things like getting married or merging finances. It can be defined in other ways though. At minimum, you must consider yourself committed indefinitely and building your lives and future lives around one another.

anything less and you are still dating. Someone you are dating can still be very supportive.