Do you know your 'shadow self'?

[GarlicPound]

This is a long-standing psych theory. A scammy self-improvement site is running ads based on it at the moment, which is what reminded me. The general idea is that we all have some pretty obnoxious and damaging characteristics, which are extremely deep-rooted in childhood. Jung called it a 'shadow' to allow for the fact that most people prefer to ignore their darker sides.

Jung himself went off on long retreats to commune with his shadow, but the therapy I did was aimed at learning to understand and acknowledge these characteristics, negotiating with them if necessary to keep our lives on track. I can't say I'm brilliant at that part, but at least I know who Dark Garlic is.

So here goes (non-exhaustively, I'm sure):

I procrastinate to the extent that I'll forgo things I'd have loved if I'd only got around to them This comes from fear of doing stuff wrong, for which I was often punished as a child. Maladaptive perfectionism.

I'm heavily prone to addiction. This is avoidance, an adult expression of the daydreaming I did as a kid to escape a toxic atmosphere. I use addicted behaviours or substances to smooth over discomfort.

I used to lie a lot. I stopped that. Nothing massive, but I felt I wasn't interesting / had nothing to contribute unless I jazzed things up.

I would be horribly grabby if I let this part of myself run wild. We were poor when I was small, plus my unlovely Dad took pleasure in telling me I couldn't have things. Food, money, clothes, everything ... my sense of "I want that, and I must have it now" is ridiculously intense. I'm always bloody negotiating with it!

I'm one of the world's great optimists, really good at seeing the best in people and situations. I'm also secretly pessimistic, cynical and suspicious (hello again, Dad). It comes out in my humour, which is sarcastic and often unconsciously cutting. I'm trying to keep the sarcasm and lose the sharp edges - work in progress.

Ha! You described me 😂

Snap for these two: I procrastinate to the extent that I'll forgo things I'd have loved if I'd only got around to them This comes from fear of doing stuff wrong, for which I was often punished as a child. Maladaptive perfectionism. I do this and also start things and never completely finish them. Loads of ideas, very good at fixing other peoples issues, a team player to the end, but doing the same for myself is an after thought at best.

I'm heavily prone to addiction. This is avoidance, an adult expression of the daydreaming I did as a kid to escape a toxic atmosphere. I use addicted behaviours or substances to smooth over discomfort. I stopped smoking and drinking 2 years ago for health related reasons, I was relying on them in tandem to avoid a lot and it was literally killing me. I used to self harm as a teen and smoking and drinking took over when that because less easy to hide from partners, largely due to them being socially acceptable. I also chose friends largely based on their compliance and willingness to join or enable this side of our socialising. One is now dead due to this and I will always feel guilt for doing the same enabling for her.

I'm a pessimistic realist and usually hit with the truth first then try to make light of it. I have a fear people will think I am too light and jokey otherwise - I was as a child and stuffed emotions right down as we were a "stiff upper lip" family. I was the class clown and never let anyone know anything too deep about me, always cheering them up instead. I still remember a teacher telling me no one would ever take me seriously because I thought that making a joke out of everything was so important that I wasn't trustworthy to employ. It really hit me that whilst cheering up my friends I came across as irresponsible to authority. Completely gear changed my "positive" outlook into using my brain "realist" one, followed by a bit of dry humour.

I definitely identify with the procrastination and the sarcasm. Can I ask did you bring up this theory to work on with your therapist or did they?

I remember discovering an ostensibly sane woman I knew was really into this shadow theory and got in nutso arguments about it on Facebook

My shadow self lost all respect for her

I procrastinate and I am stingy even though I don't like to be and don't need to be (I don't let this rule me - I have learnt to catch myself in time and be generous instead).
I can be very smug sometimes - but try not to be insufferable 😇

I definitely don't have the addiction thing - it's weird - it's just not a thing for me. So much so that I have a lot of sympathy for people prone to addictions. It really must be personality based.

For me the addiction is from my mum I think - she was an alcoholic and as my dad simply rages his emotions out with sulking and anger issues, she used to drink them into oblivion and try to talk around them or make light of them. I preferred her way and the genetic element probably didn't help.

Both, really. She brought up inner child work and I made the shadow connection.

😂 Hope you told her exactly that!

I don’t lie, atleast not regularly and not sure if I am grabby, I grew up poor though my grandparents and uncles and aunts were well off, it gave me a complex and as we couldn’t afford good food, even though now things are quite different, I still have a scarcity mind set with food. I relate to everything else in your post.

me as well...

I grew up with a deep anger and bitterness inside me. We were shit poor and my parents were not interested in education. I missed out on opportunities I felt I should have had to do A levels and go to uni. I was jealous when the profession I chose altered and graduates began to seep in with a bit of paper I didnt have - a degree. Im not proud of that part of myself but I drew strength and resilliance from it. I dropped my standard of living massively and lived on a sink estate so I could leave work and go to uni. That choice took courage. I drove myself relentlessly to get a 1st followed by a masters and a doctorate. I went into academia.

In my case I was able to tap into and redirect my anger into a positive achievement.

Not sure I understand the thread correctly but I’d say I’m fiercely independent. I’m in my 20s with my own place, have no support with bills and whilst everyone around me seems to be living with a partner, I just feel very hesitant about making that jump. Cause I’m so used to providing for myself and not being reliant on others. It’s probably linked to me being very ambitious and an overachiever, it’s like I probably over invest in my career/education to survive.

Identify completely with being overly independent, have never trusted that someone else can be depended on so have always worked full time as a single parent with a mortgage, never married although could have 5 times, can never ask for help, it’s a trait that’s made life probably tougher than it needs to be.

Oh this is very interesting. I definitely subscribe to this and am learning about mine and finding ways of acceptance.
I’m horribly impatient with people even with things they cannot help or control. I hold onto negative things for far too long until it harms me. Actually the list is long……..

Scarcity mindset's a good one, @Trendyname. On that front, I battle a hoarding tendency - I think I'm okay because I do recognise when things are dead, defunct, past their useable date, and I chuck them out. But I really empathise with the hoarders on those TV shows when they gaze anxiously at the bent spokes of a shredded umbrella, plaintively protesting that it might come in useful!

Another partial aspect of my dark side is what might be called pathological disobedience. I hate being told what to do, and don't even like being given an expectation like a dress code. I've learned that most expectations/instructions are reasonable but my first reaction is always angrily rebellious. When I can see it's reasonable or, at least, harmless, I'll comply in good spirit (I was stroppier about it when younger). If I can't, Dark Garlic comes out to play.

I'm loving these stories of 'shadows' turning to good use!

Has anybody got an overly agreeable or a manipulative 'shadow'? I'd love to be more manipulative but I'm shit at it 😂

The more you talk about this @GarlicPound the more I am convinced we are the same person. Maybe you are my shadow... or I'm yours?

I think I may be a bit scared of you ... 😂

Coming to accept this part of you was mainly conditioning in your childhood is key. You were not born like this. These traits developed in order for you to live your life and survive. Everyone has a variation of this.

I always felt calling it ‘shadow self’ was really unhelpful. Leading people to believe it is their inner serial killer or similar.

What you have described is nothing awful, just awareness of the characteristics that may hold you back or influence your life at times, To understand why they are there is key to learning new ways of living and being.

Loving those parts of you, appreciating they kept you safe and served a function at some point in your life or even to this day. Your shadow self can be nurtured, understood and acknowledged. It can be very good for helping to release any shame.

I would have said that most of this is accepting normal rounded human behaviour. We have societal expectations which help us to keep our so called negative traits in check , but to think anyone is “pure light” is for the birds!

Its good to recognise the traits that hold us back and manage them so that they… don’t hold us back.

Mine is a tendency to be lazy. I have not had the chance to be lazy for over ten years and I feel resentful 🤣. I want to take the path of least resistance which isn’t always great. I also have self esteem/confidence issues. I know these things are there, but I think the term “shadow “ isn’t quite right. They are part of a whole me.

They're all different ways of framing a universal human experience, though, aren't they @Nestingbirds @mellongoose? Universal except for the 2% who selected "pure light", naturally.

Jung's shadow self = Bradshaw's wounded child. They may have some new names & frames by now? Jung's breakthrough was finding a way to codify what people thought of as evil or sinful within themselves, providing a pathway for compassionate self-understanding. Deep-seated emotions that are repressed have a way of poisoning everything, and it's always unpleasant to live with behaviours that "come out of nowhere" like alien compulsions.

It's interesting, I find, to listen to people who rage and rant. They invariably tell you more about themselves than they ever could when calm. It often as simple as switching the pronouns - "I" for you or they. A full-on rage is a straightforward example of the repressed shadow bursting out. Mind you, it wouldn't be a great moment to suggest the rager find a therapist!

I'm glad I'm not ALL shadow - mine's a bit of a sorry creature, mostly based in fear. If I'd somehow come through childhood with a furiously focused shadow that removed all obstacles to my desires with laser efficacy ... I might be a monster, but I'm not sure I'd be interested in healing that inner child 😏

ETA: That ^^ would be Tony Soprano. His therapy sessions were hilarious!

Interesting thread. I have a tendency to buy ‘stuff’ I’m trying hard not to. One step at a time. Yesterday I looked at my makeup drawer. I threw out 6 bottles of nail polish, 2 lip glosses, 1 shimmer powder, 2 virtually empty eyelash serums, one BB cream, an almost empty illuminator, and an old eyeshadow. It felt very therapeutic. I also discovered 5 unused mascaras, several unused bottle free hair and body products, 2 unused eyeshadow pallets in the same shades as the other 4 eyeshadow pallets I have on the go.
Im going to do another drawer today. I’ve already thrown out 3 bras, 2 pairs of knickers and a pair of tights with holes in from my underwear drawer.
I believe this tendency to keep buying stuff stems from a childhood of being poor and never having much.
I remember often being thirsty and on the occasions I was taken out, having to make do with one small glass of pop all night. I was also cold as a child and didn’t have my own duvet. Instead I had horrible heavy blankets. Even when I went to university my mum didn’t buy me a duvet.
As for the other qualities I am a people pleaser. Not sure what this means about my childhood.

😂 I say get the sorry creature out for an airing and see if it’s as monstrous as you think!

I am all for wheeling them
out and giving the shadow self the mic for a while.

Whilst my horrendously attention seeking shadow would do anything to be noticed by virtually anyone it took a while to realise she missed having a father that loved her, and was craving validation she was acceptable and loveable even.

Whilst I am not that person now, I know I could be - it wouldn’t take much. Same as the people pleasing. If love, food, life is conditional and means we have to yes and ‘be nice’ then that is what we must do to get through our childhood. Once hard wired to please it’s not so easy to overcome the temptation of slipping back, even with vigilance. It can take years.

You sounded like a cold, hungry little child that was not used to ‘nice things’ it’s not surprising your adult self wants every day to feel like Christmas with new things given the little girl went without for a full 18 years. Maybe longer. So she needs warmth and care now she is an adult she can provide this.

Many of Jung's theories are difficult to test empirically but the evidence is that Jungian therapy makes people better. So does CBT which is very different. So does hypnotism, which is barely in the same ball park. The bottom line is that often just doing something, and paying attention to who you are and your issues, rather than nothing, is all it takes to get results.

OP and some of you may be interested in reading about structural dissociation which is similar to what OP was talking about and can be hugely damaging. This website helps explain it https://eggshelltherapy.com/a-split-in-our-personality/