This is both worrying and fascinating to read, another with many similarities.
Though I actually am a hoarder, though a tidy, highly organized one who maintains space and needs to clean a lot, and be clean along with needing excess food, cleaning materials, and soap, etc to be at all comfortable with myself. (almost certainly as a result of growing up in a squalor hoard)
I also know the difference between might come in useful, ie has potential, and will be useful for xyz, and am a maker for a living, so have found some good use for that maladaptive acquisition/retention behavior.
I've also turned out to be very good at helping messy and squalor hoarders sort out their homes and gain control, wider perspective, open up their lives, and have a different if not perfect relationship with 'stuff.' I've put hard gained insight to good use.
But I've spent a very long time trying to no longer have full on HD myself, regardless of how it presents, and not to suffer the extreme distress it brings when trying to challenge it.
Maladaptive perfectionism easily rules the roost if I don't stop it. I've tried to teach my Dc's the concept of good enough, while having little sense of what it actually really is.
I'm both extremely optimistic and extremely cynical, which at least forms a balance, if extreme.
Addiction runs through the family, and I was brought up both drinking alcohol and addicted to nicotine as a young child. I quit smoking, but alcohol's something kept a close eye on, as pain and sleeplessness added to everything else, make it a tempting choice for relief.
As a child lying to cover up very extreme living conditions, (collapsed floors and ceilings, wildlife coming through holes, rot and collapsing goat paths) and parental drinking, violence, and imprisonment, was taught as how we should cover up ourselves.
Loyalty to the parent, was beyond an expectation and fear of the alternative drilled in.
Raised to tell cover stories and constantly randomly drop daily information nuggets everywhere to deflect any possible suspicions. Excusing our permanently closed shutters and blacked out windows, and give the impression of normality, lots of good food, and being entirely responsible for my uncleanliness, injuries and chaos, occurring purely as a result of my own freely made choices.
I got so good at it I was routinely punished at school for so much I obviously wouldn't have any control over at that age, but consoled myself that I was that good that the 'stupid' adults fell for it, and it earned rare parental approval.
As a young adult escaped from childhood and marriage, and hiding; I was accused of being secretive. So totally made up a whole much nicer background story so as to be accepted by others, before recognizing the futility of only being accepted for who and what I'm not, but still find myself implying 'wholesome normal boring background,' in R/L, as opposed to actively lying.😶
If I don't fight it, I initially easily accept blame for anything and everything, often ending up paying for things others break or do in front of me, that they claim was somehow caused by my presence, not their actions.
I try to avoid those who take advantage but visibly disability seems to be a magnet for 'won't take responsibility for themselves manipulative characters' and echoes the now NC relationship with surviving sibling and their methods of surviving the same extreme childhood.
Tend towards too much compassion and understanding for others, which often doesn't serve me well, and now trying to learn to give more to myself.
There's a murderous part of me that has to be deeply provoked to respond, but has been a useful force for survival of myself and mine, and others being harmed.
Not proud of her, but grateful she too exists when needed.
I thought I could go back rescue and forgive and look after my dark and raging 'inner child' from where I knew I effectively abandoned it, and that might help me in life.
But more dangerously dark than I realized, and headed in a different direction from where I want, and would take me into the earth with her given half a chance, so not at all sure that it's wise to do more than hold up a white flag to what turns out to be a powerful enemy.
Might have been different if I'd recognized and tried to address things earlier, and as they say, 'the body keeps the score.' The whole 'heal the inner child' stuff was prompted by a cardiologist and a neurologist, so I'd always encourage others to do something about it all earlier, if possible.