Face blind or rude?

[JDM625]

DH and I meet a group of ex work colleagues and friends we've know 25yrs, about twice a year. We've been to Glastonbury, gigs, BBQ's, weddings etc over the years.

Our close friend has often invited her friend Liz who comes to nearly every group event. Despite meeting her 15+ times, Liz acts like she has never met me before. We all went out lastnight and I said:

'Hi Liz, lovely to see you, how are things? How are Rob and the kids?' She did her usual blank expression and asked if we'd ever met! This happens every time we meet!

The woman that invites Liz heard the conversation and said 'For goodness sake Liz. You've met JDM and her husband lots of times! How can you not remember them?' Liz thought my DH looked familiar but not me- again!

I appreciate some people are face blind. Surely though when year on year people point out you've met multiple times you'd say something like 'Oh, I'm sorry, I'm not great with faces?'

If you are face blind do you ever apologies or just ignore the other person?

I'm terrible at remembering names and details of people! I tend to recognise faces but often have no idea where from. I'm usually very open about it though and I'll just say - oh I'm so sorry, I know we've met before but I've completely forgotten your name. It happened at my child's swimming lesson the other week and a woman I hadn't seen there for about 2 years just started chatting to me and I was like, I'm so sorry where do I know you from?! It turned out her child had been in my child's class previously and had just moved up, so I just hadn't seen her for a long time. I'm always really embarrassed and I have to try and explain as much as possible. So yeah I think it's weird if they didn't apologise or seem phased by it at all.
Then again, I admit there are times when I know I've met someone before so many times that if I can't remember their name it will look ridiculous and I have occasionally just tried to avoid them to avoid the embarrassment and awkwardness.
I don't know why I'm like this and I wish I wasn't, so I'd probably not be too hard on Liz. I'd love to be able to remember names and details and even have looked up ways to remember names and practiced memory techniques to try and get better at it!

Oh and I do tell people that I'm really terrible with names and faces and I tend to actually pre warn new people I meet about this so that if I do forget their name I can then laugh about it and said see, told you I'm shit at this! It's not personal!

Yes I am, to the extent that I cannot reliably recognise my children (it's horrible).

That said, people who are faceblind very often have excellent compensatory techniques (clothes, gait and I'm excellent with voices).

If that fails I blag it. Usually successfully. So I'm a bit dubious about Liz. Presumably she's an adult and so old enough to have learnt some of these methods, or is at least old enough to have basic manners smooth the tricky bits over.

My ex husband wasn't a very nice person, but he WAS really good at knowing when I was struggling with film storyline and characters and would help me without me having to ask (Game of Thrones" was nigh on impossible with so many characters dressed alike).

I very rarely tell people because I find it very embarrassing. In fact the only time I remember doing so was my new manager whom I had only met over Teams (so no idea about height or gait) and I had to meet him face to face. He was very understanding

@LadyBrendaLastthats interesting about being good with voices, I’m the same. It’s horrible though, can be really embarrassing. I’m honest about it if it’s appropriate.

I usually tell people if I've forgotten them that I'm horrible with faces.
I often rely on hairstyles and basic size and shape but I imagine if it's someone you haven't seen in a while it would be tricky.
I work with alot of foreign nurses so not only are we all in identical uniforms but they often wear wigs and change their hair frequently so I usually struggle to recognise them!

I didn't actually realise until I was in my 30s. I thought it was like this for everyone. My mum is similar (but can consistently identify family and close friends).

Very interestingly I also read that people who are face blind are often very challenged by navigating locations. I live near a very small city where I have lived for 25 years. In the summer I got very lost in a totally familiar location and had to pull over and put maps on my phone to find my way home. I also am very rigid with the routes I drive, even if another way is faster I will go the longer route to make I know where I am going.

I warn people at work as there’s no chance I’ll recognise them at conferences or events. I try to remember gait, traits, hair, style, voice and try very hard not to stare as I flick through these in my mind to place someone who clearly recognises me.
I also have the trait of no sense of direction and even getting lost in buildings. Big offices, shopping centres or multilevel department stores are a nightmare.
It’s frustrating and can be upsetting when people make it about themselves or assume I’m stuck up. Some people won’t accept that I honestly can’t help it. I’ve walked straight past my own husband and not recognised him, thankfully he’s used to it.

And to answer the OP, I do explain, apologise and say this is likely to happen again please forgive in advance.

I have face blindness but if I was going out with the same group year on year I’d know I must have met them before and never act like i had no clue who they were! I’d just say we’re great thank you and how are you all and hope that eventually I got enough clues to figure out who you are. She sounds rude to me.

Well this is interesting because I realised I have a problem with facial features very recently in my 40s. I don't have a problem recognising people in real life though because I'm OK with names, hairstyles, etc. I will remember the curly-haired person with glasses, but maybe not a certain set of features.

I am terrible at finding my way around. I struggle even with google maps.

"I’ve walked straight past my own husband and not recognised him, thankfully he’s used to it."

But don't you recognise his coat and his height?

I'm terrible at names and faces.

A year ago I moved from London to Somerset. I'm a nurse by profession and have joined the local Bank team, and mainly work over 2 team. I've also joined a few social groups to meet people. This has meant in the past year I've met a number of people and my poor memory is embarrassing me.🥴

Does anyone else find it frightening at times? I went to an event recently with work. I was separated from my colleagues and didn't recognise anyone and I was in a strange place. Horrible.

I have issues with forgetting I’ve met people and not recognising faces. I’m completely mortified if I do and if you said that to me I would play along to save face. The fact she doesn’t bother makes me think she’s rude.

I don’t think this person is necessarily faceblind, though it’s of course possible — surely if she were she wouldn’t remember any of the others either, and your mutual friend would be aware of her condition? You may just not have really registered with her if you’re a friend of a friend who only meets you twice a year.

I suspect you’re (understandably) annoyed because she isn’t bothering to pretend she remembers you for politeness’ sake , or apologise for not remembering.

Interesting about face blindness and directions. I'm terrible with both and I recently heard aboit aphatasia (no minds eye) and I seem to have that too. I'm OK with people I've known a long time but terrible with new people and I can't keep track of characters in films/TV if they change their look at all.

The woman you met sounds like she's simply rude though.

Thanks everyone and sharing their own experiences.

The 1st time we met in our 20's, she smoked weed, so I initially put it down to that. I'm not bothered she doesn't recall my name, but she seems to remember everyone in this extended group- except me.

We shared a room at our friends hens, went to a very small exclusive gig and via our friend went to her child's 1st birthday BBQ at her own house! Not to mention multiple other meet ups. Neither her nor our mutual friend has ever mentioned her being face blind so I don't know. I can only go by what I've done if I don't remember someone yet they say we've met before and that would be to say sorry and ask more about where we met. Maybe I'm just not memorable? 😆

I’m face blind and she sounds rude to me.

I wouldn’t immediately recognise someone in the situation you described unless there was something unique about their appearance, but given the amount of times you’ve met her I’d expect to pick up other clues very quickly - voice, general context etc.

Oh god this is so me! I regularly have people say hello to me and I actually have no idea who they are 🙈 please don't take offence!

I'm a bit face blind and have to keep saying 'So sorry, I never recognise people out of the context...' I'm OK if I know them very well and/or see them a lot, but would have a problem only seeing someone occasionally.
Maybe it's not faceblindness with this woman, but it doesn't sound like rudeness to me. She may have a memory problem developing or some other cognitive issue.

I think shes just a combination of rude and disinterested in you. I have known my cousins best friend since we were 8. We been to parties, nightclubs, wedding and more together, but she never remembers me.

Ive a good memory generally and remember all sorts of things about her, so its always seemed so odd to me.
I worked with a face blind lady, she knew me, but not what i looked like. Cousins friend doesn't know me at all still.

I have aphantasia and so for example I can’t even picture my own children’s faces if I’m not looking at them, as I have no ‘minds eye’ at all. However I do obviously recognise them when I see them, and I know various features that they have (blue eyes, brown short hair etc). The thing I really struggle with is when I see people I know but out of context. A friend once decided to surprise me by getting on a train that she knew I was on, and come to sit down beside me. I didn’t realise I knew her until she started talking to me, and I had a momentary panic before I worked it out from her voice, and the fact that I know she gets the train from that town to London every day for work. Is that face blindness? I’m not sure, but if I don’t recognise people (it’s happened with my own brother out of context before but I do hardly see him these days anyway), I will profusely apologise or just try to wing it and get away with not having to admit I’m not sure who they are!

I HAVE FOUND MY PEOPLE! Frankly I lie. My automatic reaction is to smile, nod and say how lovely it is to see you again. Inside I am panicking. I love people who explain where we met. And yes to remembering hairstyles or stance or shoulders. Women are particularly baffling because they are so much more likely to change hair/image etc.

I have face blindness, didn't know it was a thing until my 40s. Such a relief, that it's a condition and I'm not crazy! I often tell people, and they're very understanding. Most of us find ways of surviving without hurting people's feelings, and this woman does sound as if she couldn't care less about offending you, @JDM625. I might ask her outright, "Do you have prosopagnosia?" (the Greek name for it) and if she says "No!" in an indignant tone, that will tell you whether she's worth bothering with.
@LadyBrendaLast , I also read just recently about the related problem of finding one's way, and all the times I've got hopelessly lost were instantly explained. Again, a huge relief.

There's a bloke in our street I've known for years to speak to but whenever meet him, I can never ever remember his name. It never actually mattered but I'm really embarrassed about it. My daughter has told me loads of time but it will not stick. Maybe it's something like that.
Btw, it's not the onset of dementia - this has been going on for about 30 years!