Face blind or rude?

[JDM625]

DH and I meet a group of ex work colleagues and friends we've know 25yrs, about twice a year. We've been to Glastonbury, gigs, BBQ's, weddings etc over the years.

Our close friend has often invited her friend Liz who comes to nearly every group event. Despite meeting her 15+ times, Liz acts like she has never met me before. We all went out lastnight and I said:

'Hi Liz, lovely to see you, how are things? How are Rob and the kids?' She did her usual blank expression and asked if we'd ever met! This happens every time we meet!

The woman that invites Liz heard the conversation and said 'For goodness sake Liz. You've met JDM and her husband lots of times! How can you not remember them?' Liz thought my DH looked familiar but not me- again!

I appreciate some people are face blind. Surely though when year on year people point out you've met multiple times you'd say something like 'Oh, I'm sorry, I'm not great with faces?'

If you are face blind do you ever apologies or just ignore the other person?

I have face blindness. I struggle even with people I've known a long time, either because they've changed their appearance or I'm seeing them unexpectedly or out of context. I once didn't recognise my DP - we were at a Halloween party and he was arriving separately, he was in a costume and had a hat and the contact lenses that make your eyes look white. He came over to me and I looked at him blankly for too long! Yet given his height, smile, everything else, you'd think I would have known! I always feel terrible that I don't recognise people though, I'd say I'm sorry and explain why I didn't recognise them

My colleague is face blind. we work in IT and people will come to him in the morning as their laptop doesn't work and when they come back later he literally has no clue why they are at his desk. lol
Gives us a good laugh...
It must be very frustrating and I can't imagine that after all that time she doesn't remember you.

I do struggle with this.

If I see people out of context or when I’m not expecting it, I really don’t recognise them. For example, I know who my boss is if I’m at work, but I’ve no clue who he is if I see him out of work, I’ve struggled to recognise my Mum, husband and my own children if I’ve bumped into them out and about when I’m not expecting it. Normally once they start speaking to me I’ll recognise something.

I normally fake it until either DH discretely tells me who it is or I get some sort of clue, ie, they start talking about work/mention a hobby or something.

I’m always apologetic, but I think some people think I’m just rude or bullshittiing.

Close friends and family know I struggle with it so will normally give me some sort of cue when they approach me.

Just to add, if I was meeting the group of friends and knew who was going to be in that group, I’d be expecting to see them. I may not recognise them straight away but there’s nothing wrong with my memory, I’d absolutely know I’d met them before, especially once I knew their name. If I was expecting to see them I’d probably recognise them anyway. Sounds like she’s just rude

I’m a different person… but zip up black sweater, jeans, average height, average hair. It isn’t often but it happens. Less so with my kids because I dress them

Same here.

It’s weird to describe. It all depends on the context. Clothes (if I remember what he’s wearing) are all cues, but if I’m not looking for him/expecting to see him, I wouldn’t necessarily recognise him.

A average height bloke in jeans, a hoodie and a blue coat is just another face in the crowd if I’m not expecting to see him. If I am looking for him or expecting to see him, I will look for blokes in blue coats as a clue.

Just as an example, DD2 and I went shopping last weekend, DH didn’t want to join us shopping but he was meeting us for lunch at a certain cafe at 1pm. He changed his mind (unbeknownst to me) and decided to head into town early and we bumped into him in TK Max - I wasn’t expecting to see him, when he stood next to me when I was looking at candles I just thought he was a weirdo with no sense of space and moved away. He was like dude, it’s me, and I clicked who it was. I absolutely would have recognised him when he came into the cafe at 1pm though because I’m expecting him.

Very interestingly I also read that people who are face blind are often very challenged by navigating locations.

@LadyBrendaLast I've never heard that and this makes total sense. Dh really struggles with these two things and I guess i thought they were two quirks of his without realising they are connected. I think he'll be glad to hear this.

I think the likelihood is she’s just plain rude/has some chip on her shoulder about something. Does she do it with other people or just you and your husband?!

Face blindness apparently affects around 2% of people. Rudeness is WAY more common!

Either she is rude or doesn't want to know you or she isn't taking responsibility for her own shortcomings. I think its really important that people do this. We all have things we are really bad at, the test is to own it and find solutions, whether that's masking or using strategies to overcome it. And if there is a risk these don't work you tell people, because you don't want people to feel uncomfortable or to think badly of you. I think the overwhelming majority of people will be supportive when someone is honest with them.

Exactly that @Dliplopand @Springersrock but country bloke attire.

It’s such a relief to read this as this is me with my partner. Especially identify with wondering why a weirdo is hovering - this happened last week!
I think unless you have it it’s very hard to understand. It can be very isolating though as I never know who most of my neighbours are bar one or two who look unusual.

its got slightly better recognising my partner in
marks and Spencer midweek as among a sea of retired overweight bald men in drab colours he is at least very slim now (got very sick, lost a lot of weight) so in that regard he stands out but before he lost the weight it it was impossible to identify him.

I used to put my son in day glo T shirts so I could find him in the park. Had terrible trouble picking him out at nursery if they’d changed his clothes!
even though I’ve had this all my life I didn’t know that’s what it was until fairly recently. It’s very reassuring to know I’m not alone!

There’s a couple across the road who, honestly, I’m never sure if it’s them unless they have their little dog with them. She’s kind of blondish mid 30s and he is a largest bloke with a shaved head and he wears a grey tracksuit. They’re perfectly nice, but I’m never really clear if it’s them or not.

I’ve often not recognise people. Sometimes I have a vague idea. On the other hand, I have also talked to strangers because I thought they were somebody I did know. I tend to box people into types according to body shape hair and skin colour as well as height. Life does get complicated. I’ve only recently realised that it’s a genuine condition that I’m not just being lazy.

There are times when I’ve spoken to someone and I haven’t a clue that a few years ago I knew them quite well.

I do have difficulty navigating or I can do a journey one way but I get confused walking back the other way. On the other hand, and quite mysteriously, years ago when I moved to the area where I now live, I managed to navigate someone back to my home when she was giving me a lift, through an area of town I’ve never been to before, in fact I didn’t know the town at all, only the road I’d moved into, just by having a hunch which direction to go. I’ve not done that before or since, but it was a bit of an emergency and I’d have been completely lost otherwise.

I can do a journey one way but I get confused walking back the other way.

I often have to turn round and walk backwards to see if I'm going the right way.

I'm like that with certain people. There's this one couple and I'm quite friendly with the guy, as we're often seated next to eachother at dinner, and I fully recognise him immediately. His wife I literally don't know what she looks like?! Even though I've met her loads of times. I guess I've not spoken to her much but it feels like I am totally blind to her face! It happens with a few other people too. It's embarrassing for me and I do get really worried they think I'm rude.

Maybe she has a neurodiverse or personality traits.
It might be a tactic she uses as she can t think of anything to say and it appears rude.
What is she like with everyone else?
Next time as you approach her announce your name and mention Liz( mutual friend) in the conversation.
That will give her a thread to work with.
If she is coming across as disinterested and rude then she might just be that, so don t make efforts back.

Thanks again for everyone's thoughts.
What is she like with everyone else?
Friendly and chatty. She might see some of the group more often than I see her though.

Next time as you approach her announce your name and mention Liz( mutual friend) in the conversation
The first few times she blanked me, I did try this. Recalling places we'd been, our mutual friend and even showing her pics of the last time we'd met incase my top/hair etc was different.

Most recently, I've tried introducing myself and almost acted like we'd never met. I said I'd been to 'a few' of the meet ups but never pushed that we'd met multiple times. I asked about herself etc. After 5mins, she went to the bar and on her return, she sat at the other end of the table. It felt rather pointed, because there was no space that end. She got a chair from another table and asked people to shuffle apart so she could sit there- despite there being an empty chair next to me. My DH and her husband were standing and chatting nearby. The husband seems to remember us!

I'm mainly there to catch up with my closer friend.