Autistic parent with neuro typical child

[Zoono]

I have just completed all of my asd assessments and while I need to wait a couple of weeks for a diagnosis of autism, the likelihood of that is pretty high. However I am also a single parent to a very sociable, kind and clever 2 year DD, who appears completely neuro typical and functions far better than myself. How do I provide her with the best possible childhood without continuosly triggering myself, in order to meet her needs? Currently, I would always choose to put my dds needs first but it does and has caused real damage to my mental health.

Sounds like you are being hard on yourself. I’m sure you must be functioning way beyond a 2 year old level or you would have been diagnosed before now.
I’m aware that you are comparing yourself to her socially though.
What sort of things do you find difficult? Toddler groups? Meeting other parents? Birthday parties?
It is good that you can identify challenges. Do you have any friend or family support?
I’d just try to follow a routine where you do what you need to do e.g.drop offs, pick ups etc without putting yourself under too much pressure.
Any event you find too overwhelming ( especially if you aren’t in a great place) maybe ask someone else to step in.
The diagnostic team should be able to offer support as will the autistic Mums on here.
Moving forward you could ask for slight adjustments that might help e.g. arriving 5 minutes early or late to avoid sensory overload or lots of other parents.
Be kind to yourself. You sound like a good Mum and your DD sounds lovely.

Currently, I would always choose to put my dds needs first but it does and has caused real damage to my mental health.

In what way?

Also, appearing completely neurotypical at 2 years old can mean very little.

You need to assess what it is you find challenging and find ways of making it work. For what it’s worth it gets easier as they age and all they need is to be dropped off. I assume you are struggling with chatting at toddler groups etc?

I am NT with autistic parents. I have nothing to do with them now. I have a support group on Facebook for similar people because of the damage it did to us. There’s a good book, “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, Or Self-Involved Parents” that may be helpful for you to read.

I’d also add that my mother thinks my father has excellent social skills. He very much does not. She, as an autistic person, is in no place to judge the social skills of another. Just saying.

Don’t worry OP as long as you are a loving parent they won’t cut you off as @KindCompassion suggests.

Autism and late diagnosis of it is something that’s really come into the spotlight in the last five years or so. I am reluctant to jump on a bandwagon and I definitely have no interest in pursuing a diagnosis for myself. As far as I am concerned the masking skills I have are not a bad thing but vital in living a normal and happy life.

But I did become a mum in 2020, and some things are that bit more challenging. Noise is a particular issue for me. I hate it when both children are talking at me at once; it really bothers me. I also struggle a lot with lack of personal space and recharge time. I am sure many people do but I feel almost desperate for it at times. There are more but I won’t go into it all here.

My honest advice is not to let ‘I am autistic’ become your personality. Try to frame it as ‘certain noises bother me’, While I know I’ll be annihilated for this autism has become so diagnosed lately as to become almost meaningless and I think if you’ve functioned until now the only answer is to carry on functioning, doing the best you can by your DD and yourself.

What are the things that trigger you about being their parent, @Zoono ?

I am the NT child of a ND parent. An only child too.

In hindsight, she knew her limits and got me into every club. Brownies, Guides, Drama, Woodcraft Folk, choir. But…

She found it very difficult for me to have friends round when I was a kid but tried really hard to not show her pain. However, she didn’t know how to make them feel at home in her home and she couldn’t cope with her ‘decompression’ space not being available to her. My friends told me she was ‘weird’ and ‘scary’. That was hard. Also, I was very aware that she resented the presence of my friends.

She was MUCH better when I was a teenager and had a gang of girlfriends round to get ready before going out - a group of people needed far less input from her.

I had to work hard at putting boundaries in place as an adult. We had a very good and loving relationship once I put them in and didn’t move on them.

EFT

I wouldn’t make assumptions at age 2. My 3 dc didn’t really show signs until school. I appeared “normal” to my parents because in our family being autistic and/or ADHD IS normal.
it’s bloody hard being a parent when you’re autistic and as a single parent with both autism and ADHD parenting 3 children with the same it’s very difficult so solidarity.

Thank you for everyone's responses. Obviously I can do quite a lot of stuff that an adult would be expected to do, especially a parent but my social skills, budgeting skills and time management are shocking and always have been. My DD s social skills according to people who are experienced in childcare and health visitors are closer to a 4 year olds rather than a 2 year olds. It's hard to not compare myself to my DD who I consider to be amazing and I'm so proud of her. Ive never held down a job for longer than a year and I'm now in my 30s and wouldn't get by without regular financial support from my parents. I just want to be able to fully support my DD by myself. I do attend a weekly playgroup and go to playgrounds regularly but I can barely talk to the other adults who also attend. i just pray I can get a diagnosis and proper support.

What support do you think there is? I don’t mean that in an arsey way, just curious?

This is why I always try and put my DDs needs first and really want to know, how to best continue doing this. My parents didn't really meet my emotional needs growing up and it was pretty awful.

Support around life skills and careers advice?

I’m not totally sure that this exists, to be honest, or if it does is fairly limited.

Your child doesn’t ever need you to socialise with other parents on her behalf. Just make sure she gets to be happy in the childcare, club or school environment.

What she needs from you is for you to be physically and emotionally there for her.

I’ll also add that being on the periphery on lots of friendship groups, which can look to be very sociable in younger children, can be a sigh of autism. At the age of two, many ND children present as NT. Just because your traits are in certain ways doesn’t mean another ND person, even one related to you, will be similar.

I mean it does with the assessment centre that I've used. It's probably not deliberate but you seem quite sceptical about people seeking an autism diagnosis. Ultimately a lot of women in particular should've been diagnosed with autism before the reach their 30s but the knowledge around autism in women was fairly poor in the 90s and at the start of the 21st century. Just because you're okay doesn't mean everyone else is.

Thank you, I appreciate that.

I am autistic and have one ND child and one I'm on the fence about! My ND child has opposite sensory needs to me so I find them overwhelming and difficult to manage sometimes. I am quite honest with him wherever possible, I will say (for example when he is trying to touch certain parts of my body for soothing), "I know that feels nice for you darling but actually it doesn't feel nice for me, would it be ok if you... (insert alternative way of touching/ comforting here). So I am still trying to soothe him but without me feeling completely intruded upon (which makes me feel sick and panicky and like I need to leave the room.

To a point, I am. That isn’t aimed personally at you but I do think a lot of people are encouraged to seek a diagnosis (for their children as well as themselves) thinking they will access support but then the support doesn’t materialise.

My brother is autistic (diagnosed, seriously impeded by it; can’t work, can barely wash or keep a house in any sort of order) and the ‘support’ in place for him is in the form of therapy but since it isn’t a cure for his autism it literally does nothing; he ruminates for a while on how crap his life is and that’s it! Perhaps it is different in different places.

The flip side of this are middle aged women with long standing relationships, jobs and children suddenly announcing they have autism. Perhaps they do; it isn’t my place to say so, but I do think it’s become so broad as a definition as to be almost meaningless.

From what you say you do have significant struggles and I can relate more than you may think. I’m not sure the diagnosis will give you quite what you want, though. It sounds as if you know you are ND but need to hear it from a third party, and this isn’t something I can relate to.

You can't say that and even if true, it wouldn't mean there aren't lasting impacts. My mother loved me the best she could with her limitations but it wasn't enough, and I've paid the price all my life. It's good the OP is looking at this seriously and not just assuming being as loving as she can is all she needs to do.

Personally I think you need to look at it in terms of how
much of an impact your autism has had on your life until now. A lot of us are mildly autistic, it doesn’t mean we have to take great steps to change the way we live….just make sure you do all the normal, day to day activities with your child where you can….but if for example you can’t stand noisy soft plays, birthday parties etc, then don’t go to them.

The big problem you’ll face is that there’s 0 research into your situation, let alone any specific support. I have been asking this question for years, and have been accused of being a eugenicist and all sorts of awful things because some people want to believe that being autistic has no impact on anyone’s ability to parent their children. The question is often met by whataboutisms to deflect from what is an incredibly sensitive question.

It is a ginormous taboo you have stumbled into. Good luck.

@Talkwhilstyouwalk ”mildly autistic” is not a thing. I’m not a Nando’s chicken.

OP I think it’s very difficult. One, lots of things that young children need from us / situations they are typically in are difficult for autistic people. Two, if you are a good parent there is a constant or near-constant push and pull between giving everything you can, and stopping before you burn out and can’t give any more, with the constant pressure about your relationship with your child in the background. Three, your child is, however they present at 2, more likely to be ND so if that’s coming down the tracks they may need more support from you than they otherwise would.

Support for newly diagnosed adults round my way is simply non-existent. Here’s your diagnosis, off you fuck.

This is the situation I am in. Three kids. My honest advice would be - very little about parenting is compulsory. You can think creatively about how you want to do things, if particular situations or circumstances are difficult. You do not need to be a 24/7 children’s entertainer - I do lots with my kids but I also facilitate them playing by themselves and with each other so I can breathe out a bit. I lean in heavily to the things I do better than others - planning, teaching, remembering things that are important to them - and try to ration things which burn my motor out - crowded places, places with lots of competing sounds. And I reflect most days on what went well or what would have been better if we’d tried x or y instead.

I don’t disclose wisely btw - but I will say things like “I battle when the music is this loud, so I will move over there / go out for a breather” etc if I need to.

And just to answer the inevitable - DD1 was the easiest baby in the world (spoiler, also autistic), so we went ahead TTC DC2. Who turned out to be DC2 and 3. I was diagnosed at 38. No doubt having children contributed to my seeking a diagnosis.