Autistic parent with neuro typical child

[Zoono]

I have just completed all of my asd assessments and while I need to wait a couple of weeks for a diagnosis of autism, the likelihood of that is pretty high. However I am also a single parent to a very sociable, kind and clever 2 year DD, who appears completely neuro typical and functions far better than myself. How do I provide her with the best possible childhood without continuosly triggering myself, in order to meet her needs? Currently, I would always choose to put my dds needs first but it does and has caused real damage to my mental health.

It's great to have company, because so much is written about autistic kids, and so little about autistic parents and our struggles.

It's OK to outsource the socialisation aspect of parenting small children. Childminders and nurseries are professionals at entertaining, stimulating and socialising children- there's nothing wrong with letting them get on with it.

You don't have to go to soft play. I reckon I went about twice in my DCs' whole childhood. Get them outdoors, which tends to absorb the noise and franticness, and you've got nature to calm you while they're hitting things with sticks and falling in streams.

Friendships can be tricky, because hanging out with other mum friends usually means hanging out with their kids too, and if your own kids are challenging, other people's tend to be twice as dreadful 😆

I have been diagnosed autistic in the last year. Two kids, one ND, one NT.
Nobody has ever commented on me sitting in the corner at kids' parties reading my Kindle. My kids still have friends and get invited to events. I struggle when it is their parties and I have to host but just have to pull up my big girl pants and remind myself it's only twice a year.
I've made sure to follow their interests and Sign them up to clubs and hobbies so that they can make friends independently of me.

I think I might be autistic and I have a NT child (I think)

What I've always found stressful and difficult is knowing when to step in in social situations with DS and when to just leave him and his peers to sort it out themselves. I sometimes find it difficult to know what the social rules and expectations are in different situations so I can be a bit rigid. What this means is that DS is well behaved but I worry that I might stifle him sometimes. It was worse when he was younger as at age 7 they can mostly sort it out themselves.

He knows that I struggle with noise, bright light, lots of things going on at the same time, and being late. He knows that I need a lot of alone time and that watching TV as a family doesn't cut it for me. I usually hold thing together until he goes to bed so my husband bears the brunt of me needing to have time alone.

What I've found helps me is booking DS into lots of clubs and activities where he can get his social fix and I can have my alone time. We're also lucky this his paternal grandparents are local and mostly brilliant. I also make sure that we spend time together in the morning, at dinner time, and weekend. I'm able to hold surface level convos with other parents but I worry sometimes that people don't tend to want to be around me and I hope it doesn't lead to people steering their children away from DS.

But I think it's completely possible to be an excellent parent to a NT child if you're autistic. You need to know your limitations and have strategies to manage them - it helps to have a partner who is reasonable. In a way it's probably a good thing that I have no friends locally as I don't think I would be able to maintain friendships, my relationship with DS, my job, and my wellbeing at the same time.

I do.

Whether she gets a diagnosis or not she is telling us normal social interactions are incredibly difficult for her.

I wasn't expecting anywhere near as many comments on my post but the solidarity from a lot of other posters and suggestions do help, to thank you. In my defence, I do try to challenge myself and have been to soft play recently a few times, which isn't easy but I've gone on weekdays so the venues haven't been overcrowded. My DD also attends nursery once a week, playgroup one other day in the week and sees her cousin twice a week, so she can socialise. I do try really hard but with parenting there's always room for improvement.

@Zoononone of us are perfect and I don’t want you to feel that a NT parent is better then you.
I’ve never been diagnosed but I’m fairly confident I’m autistic. If I’m not on the spectrum enough to warrant the title, I know that a lot of my personality traits fit within that profile.
i struggle socially and it upsets me that my boys haven’t had the social experience they would’ve had with another Mum. But I’m also an amazing Mum. My boys have me entirely and I do my absolute best to support them.
In reality this is all you can do - your best. Don’t compare yourself to someone else, they probably struggle at something you do amazingly. If there’s something you want to do better then focus on that.
The fact you care and you’re aware speaks volumes ❤️ Bur don’t bring yourself down or feel bad just because of things you struggle with.

Fellow autistic parent here. I thought my son was NT at two… He’s now four and very much some type of ND (currently on the NHS waitlist for diagnosis as recommended by his pre-school) 😅

This is really interesting to me as I’m autistic and have two NT kids. I usually only ever read experiences of the opposite situation. Anyway, I do struggle with things like hosting playdates, I find them so stressful. I also struggle with keeping my house tidy and uncluttered too as I’m also dyspraxic.

I have noticed that a lot of the discussion around autism talks about how important it is for autistic people to be able to be in the company of other autistic people. That makes sense to me.
However I haven’t seen any discussion about the differences of needs with different NDs that many of us experience within our close
family, or about families with ND parents of NT children and how everyone can get their needs met in these scenarios.
It would be really helpful to understand this better. although given the terrible state of support for disabilities I don’t know what support would be ever given around this.

Well, the bald truth is that often they can’t.

There is a lot about NT vs for want of a better word ND, but sometimes there is more crossover between the two than we might think. And ND doesn’t always look the same. That’s something that has struck me repeatedly reading this thread; what one might expect to see from an autistic parent is someone hunched in a corner with a kindle, socially awkward and without social norms or niceties.

It is far more nuanced than that. I am a little bit - don’t want to say disappointed - but certainly feel that we’ve resorted to some quite lazy stereotypes.

Autism can look very sociable but asking inappropriate questions, or talking far too much, or inappropriate questions, or a bit too loud, or standing too close, laughing at the wrong moment (big one for my brother) not realising when people aren’t speaking to him and responding inappropriately - someone might say something like ‘so yeah, Dave at work - hey didn’t you work with Dave a few years ago?’ (looking at Mick) and my brother will blast robotically and in a monotone REALLY - it’s awkward as hell; I hate it! For my part I do think I mask very well but I struggle with eye contact; that’s a big area I struggle with.

But really in any family or community especially (and this is what always makes me smile a bit wryly) if there are multiple ND people then someone is always going to ‘lose.’ There’s a lot of talk about how NT people have to make adjustments but really it’s when multiple ND people are in the same place it becomes strained because as we all should know, if you’ve met one person with autism … Sometimes one longs for quiet and one hankers for noise; for one a particular song is nails on a blackboard and the other needs it to regulate. (And no headphones are not the answer to everything; some autistic people hate them <waves>)

Which is why you do have to move away to an extent from ‘I am autistic’ and more towards ‘I really don’t like the feel / sound / taste of that.’ I might be autistic; I’m also an adult and at heart I’m not a selfish person and I have to recognise the onus is on me to make adjustments, not other people. I do realise in some cases the disability is such that they just can’t but I can (others are borderline; my brother certainly is. He will tend to go on and on about something so for example he wants a lift home you say sure give me ten minutes? He’ll monotone yes sure but er see the thing is, I just really need to get back for the cats; I just need to ..,’) And yes it’s hard for him to wait and have his routine out of whack but I have two little children and he is the adult and he has to wait.

Perhaps I am harsh but I’m actually not. I have endless compassion for ND adults and children. I just don’t always think bending to their needs is the right move forwards.

However I haven’t seen any discussion about the differences of needs with different NDs that many of us experience within our close
family, or about families with ND parents of NT children and how everyone can get their needs met in these scenarios.

Like the previous poster, I am at the point now of feeling that often they can’t. It is an ongoing, relentless juggle of trying to weigh one person’s needs against others’, whether they are Neurotypical or neurodiverse, and frankly as the mother in a caring role it is often my needs that end up bottom of the pile.

Is there support that would be helpful to families in these situations, and if so what form would it take?

I’d say for a start that support woild would be what is already legally available but to be actually funded so it genuinely is available. Meaning access to free timely and optional NHS diagnosis for ND which would identify needs and helpful strategies. It would mean a culture change to a climate in which parents’ identification of children’s needs off their own bat is listened to seriously by schools and health professionals. a CAMHS with funding so it’s timely and responsive.
Maybe new things could be some kind of health visitor support for parents of children of any age, giving actual practical and emotional support and signposting to local support which in this vision, does actually exist.

Just a couple of things off top of my head, obviously there could be loads more. I would love these things to happen but they definitely won’t in the current climate where public services can’t fulfil their basic legal duties to disabled kids due to government austerity going back 15 years and a current political climate where disabled people are begrudged basic living support like PIP. It’s extremely sad and depressing.

And very sexist with the burdens of lack of support falling mostly on mothers.

My DH has ASD and I have traits but I don’t think I’m autistic. DH is a wonderful father and husband. We have two ND and one NT child. We parent each child as an individual and consider and fulfil as much as we can manage for each of them, meeting their needs and negotiating with them through wants. Connection for us is hugs, open conversations about emotions, listening to their perspectives, taking on board their perspectives, giving clear boundaries, tonnes of praise, complements, recognition of achievements, cuddles cuddles, cuddles, sincerity, openness, direction, clear expectations for tasks for each child NT or ND. Each child has different interests and hobbies and we have facilitated and coached hobbies for each child. It actually doesn’t matter about NT or ND it matters about connection and love.

I think the issue is always going to be that fine line between offering support and said support becoming invasive and ultimately distressing (as anyone who has been on a ‘support plan’ at work will know!)

So for example - if I take myself for most of last year to be honest, I felt like I was drowning. I was surviving: I was treading water and getting enough gasps of air to keep me alive but it was pure survival. What support did I need? Well, truthfully, someone to take my kids sometimes so I could breathe 🤣 but that’s not practical and besides, even if it was, was it best for them? They were already doing three days in nursery while I worked; would it really be in their best interests to increase that to four to give me a ‘day off’? Sometimes the answer to that is yes if a parent is really properly drowning but other times it is not.

Then there is practical support; I need someone to clean my house, cook my meals, put my laundry away (we can dream right) but again that’s not really practical long term.

Then emotional support - this is both easy and hard. I have a group of friends from when I had my first baby and while they are supportive it is edged with competitiveness and I don’t really confide any big difficulties beyond ‘ugh, 530 start, thanks kids!’ sort of thing. I do have other friends who aren’t as judgey but equally whining to ones friends all the time isn’t conducive to being particularly popular and it’s draining and depressing for them.

Paid for services can’t really provide any of those things beyond the odd bit of intervention. Respite (or rest bite as I once saw it on here) is a possibility but that tends to be for disabled children rather than parents and even so only in severe cases.

No easy answers.

Totally agree no easy answers. Sorry you’ve had such a hard time, that situation resonates with me too.

Firstly it sounds like whatever you have been doing so far is working really well, so be kind to yourself. This will get easier with time as your child gets older.

I'm in a similar situation myself but my children are now teens.

Autism and ADHD weren't as focused on back then though so I just knew I had traits that had held me back in life and didn't want them to be similarly affected. They are all now what would considerd to be ND traits.

I worried they would learn certain behaviours from me so have covered up how uncomfortable/ overwhelmed things make me and compromised throughout thier childhood, often at the expense of my own mental health.

I ate food that I didn't like, attended environments that I found uncomfortable. All in the hope they wouldn't face the same limitations as myself. This would now be defined as masking.

I would be good at coming up with things that were within my limitations. Take for example, another mum would take mine to a play barn, they are like hell on earth to me, so to repay the favour i'd take them out to the cinema. A far calmer situation for me to deal with.

I'm not overly keen on friends being at our house as it it makes me very uncomfortable. But I don't want to be that house where no friends come round. To compromise I just need to have a set going home time. If I know what time they are leaving it makes it far more managble and me more hospitable.

My eldest child shows some ND traits but are far more confident than I ever was.

Both have no issues around food which has backfired a bit as they now cost me a bloody fortune.

As they have got older, I've been able to let the mask slip. I can get away with not having to eat certain foods which makes meal times more enjoyable for me. I'm also finding it easier to have more alone time to recharge as they need me less.

It does get easier

Having social skills more like a 4 year old instead of a 2 year old is a massive red flag if you ask me. Mine were the same.

if I meet a 2 year old who seems like a 2 year old and doesn’t speak much etc and seems behind in comparison to what mine were I instantly know they are NT.